Thanks, R2C. Yes, I'm back to being dark. That R text convo was an aberration.
Speaking of emotional release, here we go. Here's what I'm telling myself to keep my head straight:
The OPs do not matter. They are bandaids. They are just one of the many indications of how much emotional turmoil H is in, just one of the many unhealthy ways he's dealing with his unhappiness. He's looking for solutions everywhere except within.
I own my side of street in my relationship. Equally, I know that I have nothing to do with this crisis. I didn't break him, I can't fix him. He has a lot of issues stemming from childhood, unrealistic expectations, and poor coping mechanisms. He needs professional help, and he needs to seek it for himself. God willing, he will do that eventually. That is entirely up to him, and it's really not my problem if he does not face his issues in the end. This is his journey. None of this is my fault.
I have too much self-respect to be in a relationship with a lying, cheating, impulsive, neurotic, selfish, and irrational person. That is who H is at this moment, with all his flaws and issues coming up in full force, crowding out his good qualities. I will not be dragged around by his craziness. I'm leaving him behind to live my wonderful life.
Yes, I have a wonderful life even now, even with these challenging circumstances. I've been dealt a huge blow, but I am happy. Yes, I am in pain, of course I am, H hurt me deeply. Yet underneath this pain is a profound contentment with my choices, because I live in accordance with my values. I have a steely core of strength and integrity.
