FwdMvmt, my situations were: #1 - A few years ago, I arrived home to discover my life partner and her kids were gone. I DB'd and we resumed for 2 years. #2 - Before this site, I was a WAS to an XW who hurt my son. So I've worn both hats--LBS and WAS--but never been in an OM/OW situation afaik. I encourage reading Steve's and May's threads as they were LBS who dealt with OM/OW and saved their marriages. Not every situation can be saved, but right action maximizes your chances. It's great you are doing so much reading to maximize your chances, and can slow down your responses to messaging.
FM, I realize I may have sounded harsh in my previous post - my concern is that she's raged and lit things on fire when she hasn't gotten her way, and seemingly whipped herself into a frenzy at the drop of a hat. Being trapped in a car with her and the kids for hours on end raises serious concerns since she's so unstable. I am sincerely concerned about what she may do if she perceives that she's thwarted in any way, shape or form - like, you're not driving fast enough, you're making too many rest stops, etc.
I apologize for the name calling. I get very protective of the kids, but that's no excuse.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
If you were a control freak then you’re struggling because you are feeling the loss of control. Your brain doesn’t like that so it’s trying to get you to pursue your W and get her to apologize and to recommit to the marriage so you feel in control again. That’s why you are thinking up these false ultimatums. That’s what this is all about. It has nothing to do with your W. She’s just a lever to get you what you want which is to feel in control again. With time and distance you will see this clearly.
This is exactly what I was thinking, but I was a bit more reserved in pointing it out than you LH19 🤣.
These two ultimatum messages in short order concern me because they potentially flag an issue with control. It suggests to me that FM is really struggling with the loss of control which can be very hard, especially for men, with a sudden bomb drop.
That often leads to desperate attempts to put everything back to normal quickly, such as threats, emotive messages, “if you don’t do x then I’ll do y”, or things to create jealousy.
I think FM that you should explore these issues in IC.
She has decided to leave already… so threatening her is only going to reinforce that she has made the right decision.
Agreeing with her excitedly, being confident, happy and indifferent to her is much more likely to make her slow down and think about it.
In my experience, women often want what they don’t have. If they know they have something (you desperately pining for them to stay) it’s a massive turn off.
(men seem to also want what they don't or can't have ... maybe it's a human thing rather than gender-specific?)
and yes, a desperate man (or woman) is a massive turn off ...
please do consider though not having her drive with you. I'm worried about her potentially taking off with the car while you're in the rest room. I know that sounds far fetched, but given what she's recently done, is it really all that out of the realm of possibility? better not to find out, I'd say.
I think your best bet to bust this divorce, FM, is to put the focus squarely on yourself and your children, leaving her to her own devices. If you then work to solidify a functional relationship with her as a co-parent rather than a spouse she'll hopefully start to see the changes in you and realize what she's throwing away.
She has so much work to do on herself before she's going to be a healthy partner for anyone.
Last edited by bttrfly; 12/28/2212:33 AM. Reason: added content
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I think your best bet to bust this divorce, FM, is to put the focus squarely on yourself and your children, leaving her to her own devices. If you then work to solidify a functional relationship with her as a co-parent rather than a spouse she'll hopefully start to see the changes in you and realize what she's throwing away.
She has so much work to do on herself before she's going to be a healthy partner for anyone.
^Right. This isn't a typical generally good partner who got caught up in a rush, it's years of affairs and substance abuse and an OM who's an only recently recovering H addict.
FwdMvmnt - I'm going to give you a quote from my MC when I called her after the 3rd session when then W admitted the affair and that she wanted a divorce. MC told me "You should think about why you want to be with someone who betrayed you.". FwdMvmnt...your W is a bad case. She needs a significant amount of work on herself before she can be a healthy partner for you (or anyone). Do you think she's willing to put in that work? How long do you think it'll take? Like I said before I am very pro-marriage and think for the most part couples should work through things, but when there's serial infidelity and substance abuse and other major issues you really need to dig down here and think about what the healthiest path is for you and your kids.
Like others said, put 100% of focus on yourself and your children. W is going to take her own path, which you can't control.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
BL is asking the exact right questions FM, despite them being hard and confronting, you need to really dig deep and get some counselling to help answer them.
Your heart and mind are attached to this person because you’ve spent years imagining a life with them.
If you completely disconnect your heart strings, do you see a good partner? A good parent to kids? Someone you can trust?
Imagine your best friend was in your position. His wife has addiction issues she seems uninterested in fixing, a history of multiple affairs, gaslighting and very erratic behaviour.
What advice would you give?
Because from the cheap seats, this looks like a case of ignoring your heart and doing what your brain probably knows is best for you in the long term.
Time to get some IC, start looking at your control issues, and asking if you really should be walking away from this train wreck.
Now she is wanting to buy an outrageously priced ticket
Get legal advise and get your finances split asap. Your job is to protect your assets. If she gets a CC in her name only then she will financially be responsible.
You really can't control what she does. But you can do what you can to limit damage.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I think your best bet to bust this divorce, FM, is to put the focus squarely on yourself and your children, leaving her to her own devices. If you then work to solidify a functional relationship with her as a co-parent rather than a spouse she'll hopefully start to see the changes in you and realize what she's throwing away.
Ie follow basic DB principles.
Completely agree 👍
trying to give him a specific blueprint and a vision of what could be if he does follow basic DB principles .... because they work
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
trying to give him a specific blueprint and a vision of what could be if he does follow basic DB principles .... because they work
Absolutely! I always found reading your posts really helpful bttrfly.
DB works whether your marriage is saved or isn’t!
For me, DB gave me structure in a time of chaos, helped me build back my self respect, allows me to look my kids in the eye and tell them I did everything possible to keep my family together, and most importantly made me realise my ex wife was a very sick, troubled and toxic individual and that my and my kids’ life moving forward was all the richer without her in it.
DB will save you, no matter if your marriage is saved!
