Marching in limbo with MLC H (2)

[BL42]

marching,

Yes, all this was communicated by text and I am definitely treating this as a business deal going forward.

Imo, you should be using Last Resort Technique (LRT) and dropping all communication with H...especially texting. Only respond to the business components of his emails and even then mostly it should be "Please direct this to my L".

So, I just had an R talk, all over text.

"No R talks" is probably the biggest piece of advice given here and you ignored it.

I am definitely writing from an emotional place. I'm venting.

Good to vent here, but you were also emotional in the R talk / text messages, which is unlikely to help.

On a certain level, I feel peace, because now I know what's going on with H.

Glad you got some clarity. However, be prepared for your emotions to swing. One day you might feel strong and empowered and know H is bad for you; the other you might feel lonely and depressed and miss him. Just be aware that will likely happen and be prepared to take action when it does. Don't sit on the couch all alone; get out and run, hit the gym, go out with friends...etc.

He's so unstable and confused omg.

Yes, for sure.

I deserve so much better.

Yes, you do.

He's pathetic.

He's definitely in MLC.

Maybe, maybe not. Don't bother trying to diagnose it.

I'm glad I braced myself for this, the OP. I basically operated on the assumption that there is an OP. In fact, there are two.

Almost always an A going on. Based on your description close to 99% chance.

One week before DB, he was genuinely excited about our plans to start a family (our plan for years); he said this during our R talk.

Do not believe ANYTHING he says. For all you know one week before BD he might've been with OP3 and just be telling you he was excited to start a family. This was before the pressure of you actually arriving in person.

Anyway, H keeps pushing this divorce so he can see OP#2 as a legally single person.

So I don't know your country or the laws there, but I was surprised to find out there are typically little to know legal impacts of infidelity in a marriage in most US states. The offender operates with impunity. Whether you're legally married or not, there's likely no consequences under the law or impacts to your divorce. Also, been surprised how many people still embrace those considering their actions, but that's another issue.

We are coming up on 4 months since BD, and I think he's been seeing OP#2 for at least a couple months.

Almost certainly longer and worse than whatever he admitted. You've been living apart for years, correct?

So, he just jumped into this new relationship and is also thinking about moving out of the country.

It's common for the WS to change everything in their life to "be happy". Mine jumped from OM1 to OM2, moved 3 times, got a new job w/a different company, new tattoos, elective surgery...etc. In fact, I know one of her work friends told her she was changing too much too soon and ExW completely ignore it. The thing is, when the newest and shine wears off are they any happier than before? Probably not.

Unclear if this escape plan involves OP#2 but whatever.

"Whatever" is right. Not your monkeys, not your circus anymore. But deep down do you truly mean it? You will someday.

I told him I'm sorry he's unhappy.

Why did you say sorry?

But he hasn't had me in his life for a while now and even with OP#2, he's still not happy.

Right. He is responsible for his own happiness. You can not make him happy. A job job, a new country, and even OP2 can not make him happy.

He also said he's ramped up his running a lot and just completed a half marathon.

That's a good thing for him. Make sure you're exercising too!

He said he thought our relationship give him an excuse to not look his best and be lazy.

People often do get lazy in relationships...doesn't mean it's your fault.

I validated him, but also said a lot of non-DB things. I don't regret it. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. I feel good.

Well, at least you know it was non-DB, got it off your chest, and got clarity. But going forward...

I told him I think he's making big decisions while in a crisis, I don't think it's wise

You're right objectively, but he won't listen so it's wasted breath.

He apologized, he says he thinks about how badly he handled things everyday.

An apology is more than most people here get.

BL42, your question from just a couple days ago was so spot on. I am young and we have no children and I don't want to waste my time for H to maybe, maybe wake up one day.

I do think that we had a good relationship overall, and there was something to save, but this current H is incapable of that, and I am not going to wait for him.

Good.

Judging from this conversation, he has a looooong way to go.

Um, yeah...

It was an uncomfortable conversation, and I will likely hurt for a bit. But I also like this clarity and confidence that comes from knowing that I don't want to be with this person.

Good. Glad you got the clarity. Now go out there and live your life!

I am ready for this divorce. I am ready to get the best business deal.

Good! Embrace it! That's all you can do anyway.

I feel a bit stupid for having wasted time on him. Well, a lesson learned.

You're not stupid for wanting to save your marriage. You're on the right side of this. Keep your head held high.

I look back at our relationship and see the red flags.
Interesting. What are the red flags you ignored? It's important to recognize them and why you ignored them to avoid making the same mistake in the future.

[quote=marching]I have an awesome life ahead of me.

I've no doubt. Like I said, marching, you're young with a cool career that takes you all over the world. You have a lot going for you already and if you keep up with self improvement you'll attract a guy you deserve.

So glad I don't have children with this guy.

So the kids are always the caveat in any situation. The thing is once you have them you'll never want a redo there, so it's hard to wish I didn't have them with ExW because then they wouldn't be the same kids. I can never say I wish I hadn't married ExW because I love S7 and D4. To your point though it is far less complicated and easier to move on without that significant tie to Ex, so enjoy the freedom in that regard.

marching - I have a feeling you haven't heard the last from him. Whether you want to hear from him in the future is another question. In the meantime go out and embrace your freedom and live life to its fullest.