Ok wow so much to update. Thanks for the very concrete and actionable feedback, BL42, D, and R2C. Yes, all this was communicated by text and I am definitely treating this as a business deal going forward. The "Christmas present" comment was definitely not DB-kosher but I have no regrets.
So, I just had an R talk, all over text. I am definitely writing from an emotional place. I'm venting. On a certain level, I feel peace, because now I know what's going on with H. He's so unstable and confused omg. I deserve so much better. He's pathetic. He's definitely in MLC.
I'm glad I braced myself for this, the OP. I basically operated on the assumption that there is an OP. In fact, there are two. The timeline is really shows how lost he is.
One week before DB, he was genuinely excited about our plans to start a family (our plan for years); he said this during our R talk. But then he suddenly got a crush on OP#1 and felt very guilty. I correctly guessed the identity of OP#1. This was a short-lived infatuation though. He started seeing someone else. I have a suspect for OP#2 but don't care to get any confirmation. It doesn't matter.
Anyway, H keeps pushing this divorce so he can see OP#2 as a legally single person. We are coming up on 4 months since BD, and I think he's been seeing OP#2 for at least a couple months. The funny thing is that H is also applying for a job in Country C. He doesn't think he will get it. But trying nonetheless. So, he just jumped into this new relationship and is also thinking about moving out of the country. Unclear if this escape plan involves OP#2 but whatever.
H complained a lot about feeling stuck in Country B. First, he said he's not sure if he's unhappy. But he's not really happy, either. Eventually he said that he is unhappy. I told him I'm sorry he's unhappy. He's still not happy at work, he's just going through the motions. This was SO VALIDATING to hear because he previously said that he enjoyed his job a lot more since BD. That was the first thing he told me when we had our in-person R talk—that he was happy. It hurt to hear him say that he was happier without me in his life. But he hasn't had me in his life for a while now and even with OP#2, he's still not happy.
He also said he's ramped up his running a lot and just completed a half marathon. He said he thought our relationship give him an excuse to not look his best and be lazy. He said he is too old to have children. He says he feels that he's missed out on a lot. He agrees that he is in MLC. I validated him, but also said a lot of non-DB things. I don't regret it. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. I feel good. I told him I think he's making big decisions while in a crisis, I don't think it's wise, I am collateral damage, and I deserve respect. He apologized, he says he thinks about how badly he handled things everyday.
I am done being afraid of his reactions. I don't want to be married to him. It hurt to have the OPs confirmed, but in a way it was validating. Just another piece in the MLC puzzle, along with all the other stuff. I was right. A+ for me!
BL42, your question from just a couple days ago was so spot on. I am young and we have no children and I don't want to waste my time for H to maybe, maybe wake up one day. I do think that we had a good relationship overall, and there was something to save, but this current H is incapable of that, and I am not going to wait for him. Judging from this conversation, he has a looooong way to go.
It was an uncomfortable conversation, and I will likely hurt for a bit. But I also like this clarity and confidence that comes from knowing that I don't want to be with this person. I am ready for this divorce. I am ready to get the best business deal. The M is dead. My respect for H is dead. I feel a bit stupid for having wasted time on him. Well, a lesson learned. I look back at our relationship and see the red flags. I see where I could have been better too, but this crisis was a long time coming and has nothing to do with me. I am beginning to feel closure.
