I know that your relationship with OM is more than friends. This is disrespectful to me, the kids and yourself. For me It is unacceptable behavior that a married woman acts in these ways. I will not allow my children to be part of this situation either. I know I cannot stop or control your behaviors, nor do I want to, but This relationship is not working for me and I am moving forward without you. If you decide that you want to work on this marriage and this family you can let me know and we will see if that option is still available. I will also have zero tolerance for this guy or any guy to be in or around our marital home and to have any contact with our minor children. I pray that you find what you are looking for.”
Hi FwdMvmt,
I mean, it sounds like you're angry and lashing out with a speech, which runs counter to Sandi's rules.
What are you trying to say? A clear message requires few words.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmt
I will not allow my children to be part of this situation either. I know I cannot stop or control your behaviors, nor do I want to.. I will also have zero tolerance for this guy or any guy to be in or around our marital home and to have any contact with our minor children.
Can you see how mixed up this message is? 1) You say you realize you don't control her and you shouldn't control her because--she's an adult and an equal parent. That's great, so your plan of action is.. (2) to try to control her by telling her what she can and can't do?!.. (3) which is obviously futile because she's an adult, and paints you as a controlling person. (4) She may even take your attempt to control her as a challenge and do the opposite to demonstrate her independence.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmt
For me It is unacceptable behavior that a married woman acts in these ways.
I fire an employee when their behavior is unacceptable. You propose words without apparent action. While it irks some people when I say so, I revived a relationship here for a couple of years, and I have an XW who wants me back. See Sand's Rules, which are pinned and take a more positive and less wordy approach to salvaging relationships--
Originally Posted by "Sandi's Rules"
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
“I know that your relationship with OM is more than friends. This is disrespectful to me, the kids and yourself. For me It is unacceptable behavior that a married woman acts in these ways. I will not allow my children to be part of this situation either. I know I cannot stop or control your behaviors, nor do I want to, but This relationship is not working for me and I am moving forward without you. If you decide that you want to work on this marriage and this family you can let me know and we will see if that option is still available. I will also have zero tolerance for this guy or any guy to be in or around our marital home and to have any contact with our minor children. I pray that you find what you are looking for.” Then just walk away.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
too many words. make it more succinct. when you say you won't tolerate -- what can you do to stop it?
Originally Posted by Mach1
I think that enough words have been said at this point...
Just live your life that way, she will either join you are not...
I agree with bttrfly & Mach1. Too many words. She knows all of that already, including OM, and she doesn't care. Let her feel the consequences of her choices. Remember, actions > words.
Originally Posted by DnJ
What you can do, and should do, is what you just did. Write it down. And then let it go.
Yes. Good therapeutic exercise. Process your feelings on your own, with IC, with close family...NOT on display to W.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Some folks have success with things like this actually writing upon paper, and then burning those words. Write what you’d like to say, then let it go to the flames.
Though you may want to avoid fire, considering W's penchant for that activity! Sorry, too soon? A little levity isn't bad ;-)
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
Here are the texts I woke up to this morning
W- What’s your schedule like on Friday? Cracker Barrel wants to interview me to work in the gift shop🙃
W- I just need to make sure S6 is accounted for. I have therapy at 9 that day as well. If I could go sometime after that morninf that would be nice
W- Can you please answer your phone
H- I’ll look at Friday, not sure what’s on my schedule yet
W- Can you please let me know within the next or or so? I’m trying to set up an interview.
H- Set up what you want. I’ll always make sure S6 is covered.
Anything I could have done different? Thanks
Decent job. The fewer words and more direct business the better. Good you didn't fawn over her for the interview news.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
