The rub is things are going to have to get worse before they get better.
You are in a tough spot F not going to lie it’s going to be a rough 2023 but you will get through it.
WAY worse.
Right now is not the time to be saying anything. You are wrapping your head around things. STFU is the rule right now. But you can have a different mind set. You can blend The advise that you like from PDG, LH19, bttyfly and anyone else. Just let new ideas sink in. PDG did not win his wife back because of his words (and he prides himself as a wordsmith). It was from his resolve and his behavior.
Again, I do not think you need to be saying anything, but you can have a change of behavior that reflects your new way of being that adds some Robx in you.
Get your head wrapped around the way AllenA, GucciLoffer, Coach approached their sitch. Then you can add some of them into you as well.
Merry Christmas FM. Enjoy your time with the family you're visiting and your children ... today is the perfect day to practice being in the moment, all 86,400 of them, if you're counting the seconds!!!
one last Christmas thought: W may start some stuff today; your mantra is now Let Go or Be Dragged ...
Last edited by bttrfly; 12/25/2211:51 AM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I enjoyed last night and Christmas with the family this morning. My W ended up going to Christmas Eve mass with us, but when found out my sisters family was going to got a little upset. She said it was supposed to just be our family. W was pleasant during presents and engaged. After presents she immediately was busy doing other things. Crazy thing this morning during prayer before breakfast is she gave thanks for having our whole family together. I just cringe when she talks like that, the mindset is unbelievable. I opened my presents from her parents, thanked them and then left to came back to my parents and haven’t heard anything since. Picking up my kids later this afternoon and didn’t get any push back. Anyways, going to keep moving forward. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!
Last night was a bit harder for me than I thought it would be.
This stuff isn't easy. Stay strong.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
She did not reach out to me at all, except to talk to S6, which I need to remove all expectations.
Expectations and desire are the root of suffering.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
In a moment of weakness pulled up her text records on phone bill. Sure enough she has been texting back and forth with the OM.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I did great on my NC today, and did not pull any records throughout the day, until right before bed. She texted him all day long again, hundreds of messages.
My ExW and OM1 figured out iMessaging didn't show up on phone bills as texts, like their hours of phone conversations did...but I had other ways they didn't know about.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I am determined to not do this or check on her in anyway going forward. It messes with my serenity and does nothing for my situation.
I think that's true. However, in your case with the potentially bad stuff W and OM are mixed up in you should consult with L and document to the hilt in case custody becomes an issue. Not as much about an affair, which tends not to matter in a D these days, but the potential drug abuse bad dangerous behavoir...etc.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I will be working on integrated man exercises, Al Anon 8th step and work today for my GAL.
Good!
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I also found out that her OM is a recovering H addict with only 9 months of sobriety.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
re: the OM with 9 months. Yeah, that's a recipe for happily ever after, NOT.
Yikes. That's surely destined to end well. You better protect yourself and your children. Document everything you can.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Is she someone right now with whom you'd want to build a new relationship?
Great question.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
You're ripping through the steps at a ferocious pace, but I wonder, are you really digging deep, especially the steps you're working on ... Do you honestly feel that you gave enough time to the real core of steps 6 & 7? It's more than a surface writing and working with a sponsor; it's a new way of life. It's not a race, like if you get through all 12 at breakneck speed your marriage will suddenly be intact and great again. Really look at your motives and your expectations.
Another great question. The goal isn't to say you're done with the steps; the goal is the self-improvement the steps bring. Are you truly meeting the intention of the steps?
FwdMvmnt - Your W is a bad actor. Multiple affairs, alcohol and potentially drug addictions, OM is a newly recovered H addict...etc. I'm all for saving marriages when possible - that's why I came here - but your situation has some MAJOR issues many others here don't face. You need to dig down and really consider what your goal is here, in the best interest of not only yourself but your children. I don't want to bring you down on Christmas. I say this out of love. Protect yourself and your kids. that's what matters now.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
is there such a thing as a moment of grace, which can lead to a spiritual awakening and growth?
can someone overcome horrendous obstacles and lead a life of honesty, integrity, loyalty and honor?
I believe the answer to all three questions is a resounding YES, but before anything can happen the person in question has to truly hit a bottom - sometimes losing everything, including spouse and family - before change actually happens.
Don't stop her from hitting her bottom.
Don't create a crisis, but don't interfere with her process.
Protect yourself and your children.
Lose the idea that this is currently a viable marriage.
What you had is over.
What's to come is unwritten at this time.
What you have is the present. Treat it as the gift it is. Dig deep, document, and work to make FM the best father, friend, son, brother and person you can be. The rest will follow as it's supposed to.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
My kids are of upmost importance, I know Inneed to be healthy to ensure their protection and growth.
I understand what I need to do with myself. I am going to continue working on myself and making sure my children are protected. I had my first coaching session yesterday, pretty good stuff and great insights. I have continued to pray and spent all my time with my family the last couple days. I am together with them again today. I wish my detachment was further along to truly be present at all times here, but it is getting better. One struggle I continue to have is not saying something about this OM. The only thing she has told me is that they are friends. The amount of texts show different. I came up with the following, not sure on everyone’s thoughts. I know the NC and dropping the rope need to be in place, and have started those.
“I know that your relationship with OM is more than friends. This is disrespectful to me, the kids and yourself. For me It is unacceptable behavior that a married woman acts in these ways. I will not allow my children to be part of this situation either. I know I cannot stop or control your behaviors, nor do I want to, but This relationship is not working for me and I am moving forward without you. If you decide that you want to work on this marriage and this family you can let me know and we will see if that option is still available. I will also have zero tolerance for this guy or any guy to be in or around our marital home and to have any contact with our minor children. I pray that you find what you are looking for.” Then just walk away.
I know I can STFU and drop the rope as I move forward. I just feel like I need to let her know where she and I stand. Thoughts?
“I know that your relationship with OM is more than friends. This is disrespectful to me, the kids and yourself. For me It is unacceptable behavior that a married woman acts in these ways. I will not allow my children to be part of this situation either. I know I cannot stop or control your behaviors, nor do I want to, but This relationship is not working for me and I am moving forward without you. If you decide that you want to work on this marriage and this family you can let me know and we will see if that option is still available. I will also have zero tolerance for this guy or any guy to be in or around our marital home and to have any contact with our minor children. I pray that you find what you are looking for.” Then just walk away.
I know I can STFU and drop the rope as I move forward. I just feel like I need to let her know where she and I stand. Thoughts?
When/if you believe you need to let know, then perhaps that is a wise course. However, feeling like it, do not act upon it in this manner.
And by the way, I’m not just picking out some wording here. In my view, you deep down feel this way, not believe this way. And to be foretelling, you don’t want to believe this way either. Acceptance and forgiveness are along a different tact within the storm that engulfs you.
What you can do, and should do, is what you just did. Write it down. And then let it go.
Some folks have success with things like this actually writing upon paper, and then burning those words. Write what you’d like to say, then let it go to the flames. I believe, you’ll find your pressure to speak out is rooted in your emotions. Your beliefs in marriage and vows and behaviours are admirable and will remain; you feelings regarding letting her know will dissipate.
Besides you can do most of what you wrote without telling her first, or ever, anyhow. From a guy further down the path: You are actually just telling yourself. Her knowing that (or not) doesn’t, shouldn’t, or won’t change your path.
F, realize you do not need to take direct action against her behaviour to move forward. Being still is still moving. And it’s not really being still. (Remember, lots of the path is counterintuitive at first.)
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
