Is this a boundary you can actually set and maintain?
Don't give an ultimatum unless you can back it up 1000%
What's the goal? To save your marriage? To protect your children and your assets? Are these goals mutually exclusive right now, given the reality of the situation?
One thing you don't acknowledge that I think you need to pay attention to is this: your marriage, as you knew it, is over.
Let that sink in.
If it was working, you wouldn't be here right now, so ... that's not a bad thing, for a dysfunctional situation to be over.
Look around for what's really left and build from there. Focus on yourself, your kids, your GAL. The fastest way to have a new relationship with your wife is to let her go. Read that again. You need to build a NEW relationship with your wife.
Is she someone right now with whom you'd want to build a new relationship?
I realize this is harsh and I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Don't try to win her back. You won't. Not in the way you want. Do you want someone who says I love you and sends hundreds of texts to some random dude she just met who is paying her attention and letting her not focus on her own recovery? What does a person who is doing that have to offer you or your children?
This is a very broken woman who needs to find her own way right now. And the truth is, you need to find yours as well. You're ripping through the steps at a ferocious pace, but I wonder, are you really digging deep, especially the steps you're working on ... Do you honestly feel that you gave enough time to the real core of steps 6 & 7? It's more than a surface writing and working with a sponsor; it's a new way of life. It's not a race, like if you get through all 12 at breakneck speed your marriage will suddenly be intact and great again. Really look at your motives and your expectations. Expectations have a nasty way of coming back to bite us in the @$$.
Focus on what you want, and who you want to be. Be the most amazing person you can be, someone only a fool would leave. Focus on how to protect that little 6 year old who's witnessed his mother ranting and raving like a crazy person and burning things in her rage.
Your best shot to save your marriage is to surrender and hopefully down the road build something stronger together, after she's had a chance to work on herself and you've had a chance to do the same.
Priority one should be talking to a lawyer to find out what your rights are, how you can protect your children and yourself.
Don't issue any ultimatums until you know where you stand legally.
In fact, don't issue ultimatums at all. That will blow up in your face just as badly as the cutting off of the credit cards did.
There is a difference between ultimatums and boundaries. Find that difference.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I decided exposure is not the way I want to go at this point. I do think that I would like to tell her that I am not lying to cover up her actions anymore when people ask what is going on. I have been extremely respectful to her situation. I want to think on it more.
She believes that getting her own place takes away the one sittin that threatens her sobriety. Me and the marriage. Those are her words not mine.
I also do not think I am ready and appreciate your feedback and thoughtful questions. I still feel like I need to confront, but not sure how yet. I feel like I am betraying myself if I do not speak up.
The 2x4 is perfect and what I need. It’s why I will continue to post on here to get recentered and not make major mistakes through this process.
My current goals are to continue growing myself. I want to be the best man, father, husband and friend I can be. I have to do this to protect myself and my kids, especially S6. As for my marriage I know I don’t want what I had, I would like to grow a new relationship if it is in the cards, I do think that would be best outcome for my family. I am willing to do the work and know I have to have patience with all of this. This person is not my wife and I am not who I want to be yet. I see a ton of growth in me, but still have lots of work to do. The IHS makes it difficult for me to detach fully, but I must find a way. I also do not like hiding the truths from those that I love and would like her to know that I am not doing that any longer. I want to be a transparent person, that always acts with integrity. This is why I quit pulling records in the first place. I don’t want to lie at all even to her.
Does me not saying anything validate her actions?
Is it acceptable to let her know that I know what she is doing and that I will not cover it up any longer when her mother or my adult children ask?
I spent a lot of time on 6&7 over the last couple weeks. I am working with a sponsor through the steps. I also reach out to others I’m my support group when my shortcomings and defects return, or I get into my head. I have been working the steps for about 4-5 months now. This will be a life long process for me. I am willing without a doubt to have them removed. I will continue to recognize and give these over to God everyday and throughout the day. They got the better of my late last night. Im the past I would act immediately, there has been a ton of growth, progress not perfection. I realize that only she can change her, I have to focus on me. I fully believe this.
For today I am going to continue on my current path, give it away and enjoy my family for the holidays.
Thank you again for your post.
Last edited by DnJ; 12/24/2204:34 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
Is it acceptable ... her response will be something like you're spying on her, if you mention the text messages.
Is it acceptable --- there's a balance between protecting the anonymity of the qualifier and enabling bad behavior. Your families presumably know the history? Things to consider:
1. would telling people make it more difficult for her in the long run? If we can't help someone we certainly should not hurt them.
2. why do you want to tell people? what's your motive? What do you want to be the result? If you want to live an authentic life in full transparency, then consider the ramifications of what you're contemplating. what would be the unintended consequences to you, your children, extended family?
Every action you take needs to be because it aligns with your core values. Have you taken the time to figure those out? The conversation needs to shift from what she's doing to what YOU want and how you want to live your life moving forward.
I'm sorry, but I really think you need to cut her loose in the short term. Who are we to deprive someone of their bottom? Really contemplate that. If she perceives you as the roadblock to her sobriety, her happiness, her wellbeing, there is nothing you can do or say to change her mind, except perhaps giving her what she wants. You do you. Stay in your lane. Model the behavior you want your kids to exhibit.
I know this is some of the most difficult terrain to navigate. I know you're working hard. Keep going.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You’ve gotten some really top shelf advice and questions from these kind compassionate folks.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
Does me not saying anything validate her actions?
Is it acceptable to let her know that I know what she is doing and that I will not cover it up any longer when her mother or my adult children ask?
You do not need to actively cover up anything. You also “can” say nothing incriminating or damning. You can speak to the facts, especially one’s that are brought up. Often it’s just a confirming they - your kids - aren’t crazy, and yes Mom is actually doing that.
Be the role model. Become you.
Merry Christmas F. May you and your’s have peace and joy.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for respond LH, These questions are exactly why I need to continue to ask for feedback before acting. It’s a new concept for me
I feel like knowing and not taking action is weak and almost validated the behavior.
I’m not sure how it would play out if I confront her. I’m not sure I have expectations. I guess I feel like it’s somewhat my responsibility to help her see, although I know it’s not. I know no matter what i would say or do, it isn’t going to change her and probably make things worse.
I’m going to continue to DB and grow me, while taking care of the family.
Again thank you again for the questions. It helps a lot
Knowing and not doing anything is weak behavior. Weak or bad behavior is a lot of the reason why you are here. The goal now is to change your behavior to the point where your WS behavior is unacceptable to you. A boundary.
The rub is things are going to have to get worse before they get better.
You are in a tough spot F not going to lie it’s going to be a rough 2023 but you will get through it.
