Sure enough she has been texting back and forth with the OM.
I strongly suggest that you should be engaging "BARE MINIMUM".
The whole text thread could have been:
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
Need some guidance if possible:
Text thread form today. I have not reached out at all last 2 days. Not sure I handles this right, but need help with response to last one…
W - If for some reason y’all decide you want to come here can you please let me know? I’m about to start wrapping
H - "Yes".
You answered her question, with a little confusion thrown in intentionally. What does he mean by yes may go through her mind. Yes he will let me know? Yes he is coming over?
You are not going to nice her back.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you R2C, I will continue to get better. Had a quick question you commented on Mike Ps post about balance of Male attraction / Seduction. Do you have a couple favorite books or resources on both?
i strongly suggest not doing this at this point in the sitch.
the h*ll of it is - i'm sure she does love you. it's not about that. it's about the noise in her head that is driving her forward.
re: the OM with 9 months. Yeah, that's a recipe for happily ever after, NOT.
Keep the focus on you, the kids, and the people in the immediate vicinity over the next few days. Look at your feet. That's where you are. Look at the room around you. Focus on those who are present.
xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you R2C, I will continue to get better. Had a quick question you commented on Mike Ps post about balance of Male attraction / Seduction. Do you have a couple favorite books or resources on both?
i'm sure she does love you. it's not about that. it's about the noise in her head that is driving her forward.
It is also about her loosing her attraction for you and being attracted to someone else.
At some level you are competing with a fantasy. So all you can do is focus on yourself and be the most attractive version of yourself.
The people I have watched here that quickly realize they should not be putting up with the CB have had the best success. PuppyDogTails is still happily married after busting his divorce many years ago. Dig around in my quotes threads for his wise words.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you R2C, I dug around the threads you provided. Some major wisdom in those. I am curious on everyone’s thoughts around exposing what is going on, or contacting the OM. There is nobody besides myself that knows what is really going on. I am starting to feel like I cannot have her in my house any longer. I mentioned last night the OM she is talking to is in recovery for H addiction, he only has 9 months. I am all about recovery, but do not feel comfortable with this relationship in my or my children’s lives. I did great on my NC today, and did not pull any records throughout the day, until right before bed. She texted him all day long again, hundreds of messages. I feel like continuing to detach and act like nothing is wrong is not the right way to do it. Am I not thinking right? Do I just let it be? Either way I am going to continue my path, but would like to get everyone’s thoughts. I feel like I need to confront her.
I did pull a script that puppydogtails used and tweaked it to my situation. I also really liked the boundaries he set. I put all below.
I will no longer tolerate your deceit. I will no longer stand idly by while you have an affair with a man in early recovery, and then not only LIE to your parents and our children about it, but tell our children, your family and anyone who listens how terrible I am. That you need to get out of the house to protect your sobriety. Well, that's over. You either tell them the truth, or I will, and I will show them the evidence that I have. You have exactly 5 minutes to decide.
-- no calling or texting OM from inside of our marital home;
-- no calling or texting OM in front of our kids, regardless of where you are
When you say you will no longer tolerate her deceit if she deceives you what are the consequences? Is it telling her parents? What do you think that will do? Do you think she will stop then? If she doesn’t then what?
How is her getting out of the house going to protect her sobriety? What if she won’t leave the house? Then what?
I am one of the few here who like ultimatums because humans typically respond to consequences but I don’t think you’re ready and that will weaken your position even further.
Even if you manage to shock her into something short term, it will only be temporary.
OM to a wayward is just like alcohol to an alcoholic, or drugs to an addict. She might go a few days, maybe a week, and then she will crack.
If she doesn’t realise what she has lost and WANT to be with you (without being forced), it’s not going to work.
DB is about concentrating on you, getting counselling, being busy and getting a life, learning about yourself, and becoming a better person … and if they wake up and realise what they’ve lost, then maybe… just MAYBE, you might be able to reconcile in a few years.
If you can’t be around her any more, then tell her you don’t want to be with her any more, and separate.
DB is NOT about ultimatums, arm twisting, threats and blackmail.
Thanks Kind, I was just getting back on to say I am not interested in exposing. I have thought about it more and It goes against my belief system to do it this way. I am worried about the situation of the OM and the instability of my wife. I do need to think about what boundaries I want to have with this for protection of my family and home. I do not want to force anything either, I would want genuine feelings if R was to happen. I will continue on the path I have been following.
