Not very good at replying to quotes so I'll do my best here...
BL42,
Thanks for reply and encouragement. Yes, there is still some anger on my part as the anniversary of her moving out recently passed (Dec 2020). She admitted in an email to me that leaving the family during the holidays and moving in with OM was a shitty thing to do. Didn't get an apology though and not expecting one.
I know I have to move on and I'm doing so in my own way. Admittedly the process hasn't gone as smoothly as I had hoped but little by little I'm getting there.
One of the things WW said that irritates me is telling me to "move on" which is really so she can move on because then she doesn't have to be reminded of what she's done and how she's trampled over the kids for OM.
After BD I blocked her on social media, blocked her number and email. We had an app that allowed for calendar scheduling and also IM but it still allowed communication and I admit I would send her truth darts. That has all stopped now and I use my student email which I don't always check so out of sight out of mind. The girls have their own phones and the school and drs have WW contact info. There really is no reason for me to contact her at all and child expenses are done over Venmo.
The life insurance thing is also for college and my eldest starts next year. It's a backup in case anything happens.
Re: her moving away, she lives about 40 mins from me in another state and you have to cross a toll bridge to get there. She chose to get a job near where she lives so she doesn't get to my house on a Friday at 4pm anymore to pick up the girls - it's now after 6pm. These are all natural consequences of her own making - I had no role here.
I did have pastoral counseling and attended a divorce workshop hosted by a church but I only attended the last two sessions as I didn't know about it till then.
Jq25,
Thanks for reply. Yes, NJ is considered a "mom state" as I've been told by a couple of people so it's unusual for a dad to be primary caregiver. I feel blesses to have them and be able to do the school run, take them to their apts etc. It's not always a breeze, there are ups and downs as their both teens and often fight with each other or me but it's getting better.
SteveLW,
We've talked a few times on this forum and you've given me a 2x4 on some occasions which I thank you for. Thanks for the encouragement.
Yes, she is playing the victim game.
Here's a choice few comments she sent me - I've put them altogether here.
"Do you think it was easy for me not to have them more often? You're holding onto her for you. She has me here. Do you think I hold no value to her? What if you asked her? What if you gave her the option? Put aside those attachments and ask her if she'd rather live with me. What if it's me she needs?"
I'm not going there with her. Why would I want to lose a natural attachment to my daughter and in raising her, just so she could live with her mother? they have the state run CHIP plan and she'd lose that moving in with her and PA doesn't have a generous CHIP plan. She wouldn't qualify as she'd have to list the household income which would include OM's income.
She'll send me links to different programs and resources, which is helpful, but again, as you said, she doesn't lift a finger to actually get them in a program. I've had to do all of this, which requires time away from work, traveling to different drs, virutal appointments, visits with the high school guidance counselor. It's exhausting.
She isn't a bad mother and she isn't abusive to them. I want to make that clear. She has always worked. But she is a mother who has made terrible choices and she knows this but stubborn pride stops her from recognizing the reality of what she has done.
When I first got the BD I didn't react well. I think very few LBHs do. We're overcome with emotion, decisions we're not ready to take, and seeing the break up of our family.
Not to mention when she introduced the kids to OM, she was still living with me in an IHS which doesn't work for anyone. Then less than three months later she moved in with him and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I could have filed a RS order but it would have cost me a lot, we had just finished mediation and it wouldn't have stopped her down the line.
So for short term pain, I had long term gain. No alimony whatsoever and we've been married 18 years. It even says on the D paperwork that WW will move in with a significant other and that wasn't me. There is no formal child support - we have a shared arrangement and split the costs.
She's made some terrible choices and people are dealing with the fallout including her own family. They don't know what to make of her.
Obviously, I don't invite her family to come visit and since BD she hasn't been to see any of her family except her sister and my kids are growing up not seeing family at all unless it's mine and they live overseas and on the West Coast.
