I'm with you, Rockon. Sometimes I rake over every little interaction I've had with H to try to figure him out. But the thing is, we can never really know what's going on in other people's heads, much less in those of our alien spouses. They likely don't even know themselves.
It's really hard to not want to peer into a reconciled future. Really, really hard. I've always been a planner and I've been very lucky—up until now, things in my life have more or less gone according to plan. So, it really [censored] to not know what's gonna happen and to realize that there's only so much that I can control. Sometimes the pain can be so bad that the only thing I can do is to get through the day hour by hour! Sometimes even half-hour increments. I've been dropped into a course on mindfulness that I didn't sign up for!
