I’ve went back and forth deciding if I should post how im feeling right now. But I realized it’s kind of what I need to do.
I am going through yet another holiday depression. This holiday depression is coupled with stress. Work was insane last week and wore me down to the bone. There is a lot of drama at work that I don’t involve myself in and I take in stride, but today it pissed me off. These are adults way older than me. Not my direct staff, though. It’s just politics. My daughter thinks I’m some sort of machine and needs rides here and there and wants to host things etc. I say no sometimes, but she’s doing something great for school and k won’t say no to that. She also was upset that she has friends, but they never ask her to hang out , so when she wants to host something, I make sure it happens.
Im at max capacity. I am one person. My dad and my daughter will ask me “did you do this, did you do that?” All the time which are smaller tasks, and individually seem like not much, but when there is a whole bunch of them amongst normal every day things, it’s just too much for one person. Way too much. No one seems to understand it. Balls are just being thrown at me and I hit what I can. Things certainly fall through the cracks, but that’s to be expected.
I basically feel completely alone and unsupported. I’ve been crying a lot and D sees it sometimes. I tell her the truth…. She wants to help, she does for a minute, then she of course has everything she wants and needs me to do. Not her fault. My self care is obviously the first thing to be sacrificed. But that’s not good either. I missed the gym every day last week because of commitments and work. I forced myself to do classes on my spin bike. Today I had a 6am gym class scheduled and I almost cancelled because the callouts began at4:45 this morning. I decided to go. I’m glad I did, but I could go to sleep. And I have to pick up D from school and her friends, cook dinner, clean, laundry when I get home. I just want to crawl up in a ball.
I am also began a 7 day work stretch today. But I think I’m going to take Wednesday off. I can’t do this. I actually have though of going to the ER with a complaint of dizziness and numbness so they will keep me for a day or 2 to work me up for a stroke. ( I know the system, lol). Then I could lay in bed and someone will bring me meals and ask me if there is anything I need. I really do have these thoughts.
The hardest part is not having anyone I can lean on emotionally or physically. It’s draining after man many many years.
In the interest of full -disclosure. I remember feeling like this when I started seeing my ex. Abandoned in life. I mean, I was 18, and now I’m older and I can manage it well now and not make stupid decisions. But I have had the opportunity to make stupid decisions ( with guys) in the past week, and I could feel myself almost doing it. Of course I didn’t, but something just to make me feel good for a moment was very very very tempting. I didn’t.
I legit hate this time of the year. It’s a reminder for me of how I have no family and it’s just me. I also have to take the spirit because my D loves the holiday so much. It’s just draining. I want nothing more than to run away to an island and sip frozen beverages while reading a book
