Wayward Wife help (2)

[Ready2Change]

You have to deal with the person your spouse is today, not the person you knew.

Agree. Most people arrive here with rose colored glasses. Other are even dealing with gaslighting.

One of my kids said "My mom doesn't know me at all." Pretty much saying he is more open and honest with me. Even with that, I don't think I know him at all either. I have an image in my mind that I created that represents him to me. I believe DON MIGUEL RUIZ was one of the first authors helping me wrap my head around this. It has been awhile since I have read the four agreements, so I guess it is time to read it again. Every time I read it, I get something new. Each time, I am at a different point in my life. I believe posters should read it right after Divorce Remedy.

[BL42]

It has been awhile since I have read the four agreements, so I guess it is time to read it again. Every time I read it, I get something new. Each time, I am at a different point in my life. I believe posters should read it right after Divorce Remedy.

Adding it to my list...

[FwdMvmnt]

Hey All,
Been a day or two since update. Was traveling for work. Had really good NC while traveling and felt good to get out of the house. I did not initiate texts and kept answers short. Got home today and she was going through things. She was asking about different things, if I wanted them etc. She asked if she could leave a few things in the closet that wouldn’t fit upstairs, she’s still getting things out or our MB. I said when do you thing you will be moving out, probably shouldn’t have said anything. She said I don’t know maybe 6 months I need to start working. I said I’m not doing this for 6 months. I said there are too many intolerable things that I won’t put up with, she said like what? I said whatever it is you are doing. The other day before I left, she randomly told me she wasn’t talking to her friend anymore. I just brushed it off at that time, but when I said the comment about whatever you are doing, she said I stopped talking to him but he texted me last night. I didn’t say anything and went and sat by S6. She said you know it’s illegal to put something on my phone to track my activity. I said what are you talking about? I have better things to do than track you. I have pulled location and looked at phone bill. I hate these interactions and need to get better at avoiding. I find it hard when all of us are here, I don’t want S6 to feel alone if I bail to go do something. It’s hard to escape in the house. She left for her meeting early crying about something after yelling at the dog. I still have a hard time not comforting… on that note
I found out I’m a Nice Guy. I can’t believe how much that book ring true for me in so many ways. I can see all my parts in the crumbling of our marriage. Time to get to work on practicing these tools as well as the ones I’ve already learned.

[BL42]

FwdMvmnt,

She is going around the house asking what’s hers tonight...She is wanting to sell things to make money for herself. I told her that anything that is ours or are assets that those need to be used for the family. She said my clothes and the kids clothes that my mom bought are mine. She’s going to sell things on eBay and have a garage sale I guess to use toward her own place. Interesting times.

Document those assets! Seriously. Video, pictures, spreadsheet. Protect yourself financially.

Did you do this yet??? This is what we recommended to you a few days ago and now you come home to this...

Got home today and she was going through things. She was asking about different things, if I wanted them etc.

Don't be a cautionary tale.

I said when do you thing you will be moving out

I said I’m not doing this for 6 months. I said there are too many intolerable things that I won’t put up with

I said what are you talking about? I have better things to do than track you.

I said when do you thing you will be moving out

You're suppose to listen and validate not initiate, debate and argue. You need to get mentally stronger.

I found out I’m a Nice Guy. I can’t believe how much that book ring true for me in so many ways. I can see all my parts in the crumbling of our marriage. Time to get to work on practicing these tools as well as the ones I’ve already learned.

Good. What other books on on your list?

[Ready2Change]

I can see all my parts in the crumbling of our marriage.

This is a good thing. Just make sure you don't take all the blame. it is 50/50. You work on your 50%. Your W may or may not fix her 50%, but that is her issue. Do not try to fix her. You fix you.

[Ready2Change]

Got home today and she was going through things. She was asking about different things, if I wanted them etc. She asked if she could leave a few things in the closet that wouldn’t fit upstairs, she’s still getting things out or our MB.

As we have said before, right now you should get a video of everything, mentally note the items that have high $$$. If they go missing, they end up on her half of the balance sheet.

Don't quibble about the little items. A kitchen aid blender is about $350. One hour of lawyer time is about the same. So two lawyers "arguing" for you who should get the blender will eat up more money than just letting her have it and buying a brand new one for yourself.

[Ready2Change]

She said I don’t know maybe 6 months I need to start working. I said I’m not doing this for 6 month

Best thing if D does go down is for her to be working. Again talk to L. Stop talking to W.

It is perfectly OK to say things like this:
"You look frustrated"
"You sound angry"
"That must be hard for you"
"I understand you feel that way"
"I am not sure"
"I need to think about that"
"I will let you know when I have decided"
"Send me an email and I will review it"

[FwdMvmnt]

Hey all,
Been a minute since I’ve posted. It’s been a rough week for staying away with the business of Christmas, work and trying to better myself, while maintaining S6. W took a start over token, she drank on the 16th. She also switched sponsors after the slip. She of course said that if I would have paid for the sober housing she wanted to live in, that the slip wouldn’t have happened. She has been in good spirits since that day and applied for her first job.
I have been working on me which is getting better and trying to separate myself from our situation, but have been failing miserably. I have signed up for an integrated man course, hired a coach and been reading non stop. I have not had opportunities for much GAL with work and S6, this is me making an excuse. I also did just complete my 7th step in Al Anon and will be starting the 8th. I am looking forward to Christmas, since we will be in different houses the entire week except for Christmas morning. I am going ti attempt to post here each day to get out of my head, on top of working with my new coach. I appreciate all the feedback!

[BL42]

FwdMvmnt,

She of course said that if I would have paid for the sober housing she wanted to live in, that the slip wouldn’t have happened.

You're not responsible for her slip. You likely agree w/that on the surface, but do you KNOW it deep down? Do not let her gaslight you.

She has been in good spirits since that day and applied for her first job.

They're all happy about everything new...until the newness fades and then they usually revert to their former level of happiness. A new job is NOT going to cure her unhappiness or fix are issues in the long run. She has deep issues she needs to deal with or will never be whole.

I have been working on me which is getting better and trying to separate myself from our situation, but have been failing miserably.

Detachment isn't easy and takes time. Keep at it and don't beat yourself up.

I have signed up for an integrated man course, hired a coach and been reading non stop.

Awesome!

I also did just complete my 7th step in Al Anon and will be starting the 8th.

Nice work!

I am looking forward to Christmas, since we will be in different houses the entire week except for Christmas morning.

Make sure to exercise every day. No excuses.

I am going ti attempt to post here each day to get out of my head, on top of working with my new coach.

Smart. Do it!

[bttrfly]

you're just burning thru the steps!

we are not responsible for anyone else's actions. we are not that powerful.

you're doing a great job GAL.

How'd it go with the lawyer?