Boundaries are for you. They are a predefined reasoned action you will take to extract yourself from a situation. Most times for things that are hurtful to you mentally/emotionally, or disrespectful, or intolerable, etc.
It’s not about consequences for the other party. It’s about your actions. Now, there may be some consequential repercussions due to your actions; however that is not the focus.
A common example is when one will just hang up the phone when their angry spouse yells and swears and otherwise gets all disrespectful. You just hang up. You end it. If it happens that the particular conversation that day is regarding something financial or needed to the angry spouse, well then they have some consequences. However, that’s not the reason for your action.
By the way, as one heals, finds indifference, accepts, and forgives, the reason(s) for needing one’s boundary fade more and more. In other words, the same behaviour from the other person can/does become more tolerable and less hurtful. It’s perfectly acceptable, and a good idea, to revisit one’s boundaries and update them accordingly.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now the tricky part, me and the ex. Ex is seeing someone. I was clear I didnt want to see them together.
That is your want or wish. You cannot control that or her. Therefore, it’s a request not a boundary.
Originally Posted by Mach40
First hurdle of testing my boundary. My grandbaby is having two plays this week. Same play, just twice. I had planned on going to both as I was told nobody could go due to work, and ex is sick again, fever (Flu more than likely). Fever broke two days ago, and she texted me asking for the two them to show up for one of the events as she knew I was going to both. She said, I respect your feelings etc, and want to run it by you. I said, I will go one day, and you can go the other. Problem solved, but my boundary was tested.
I read this exchange as your request was honoured. You and ex found a way to both see the play and not cause a bunch of hurt feelings or drama. Well done, from my point of view.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now, Grand babys B Day is in January, and my daughter has told her Momma, that there will be one party, and her new man is not to be there. Not my business, as that is their fight. It can go a few ways.
Yes, daughter and Mom are the ones to hash this out.
No need to borrow trouble. Perhaps, ex will honour daughter’s request/demand/boundary. I’m unsure how firmly daughter is stating this to Mom so it’s somewhere from request to boundary.
Originally Posted by Mach40
But, I will not go if he is there, its too soon to deal with this.
This is closer to a defined boundary. An action you will take to limit a situation.
You have time on your side. Time to calm, time to use reason, and time to consider. To consider if such is boundary-worthy. And if so, time to consider your defined planned response, rather than a reaction.
Be accurate in thought and heart. It’s totally fine to feel hurt and sad and angry and a host of other strong emotions. Do not make decisions and choices based upon emotions, for it will end in regret. Feel your emotions, and let them go. Answers do present themselves when we are calm.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Quite Frankly, I dont care if ex is there. I dont care to see her either. If ex gets her way. Fine, right now.
To be accurate. It looks like you do care. There is a lot of passion and strong feelings towards someone and something you state you don’t care about. It’s ok to care. Moving forward in a clear manner, requires you seeing your thought and heart clearly.
“If ex gets her way” illustrates what’s underlying and behind your stress. Realize, it’s not about if ex gets her way, or if you get your way. It’s your grand baby’s birthday party. So, you do you. That’s it.
“Fine. Right now.” Looks like you can handle IF the dude were to show. Consider if that is true.
It may hurt to attend with ex and her guy present. It may hurt more to miss the birthday party. It depends on you and where you are with healing and such.
Boundaries are for you. And your enforcement action, like most things in life, will have benefits for self and consequences to self associated with it. It’s up to you to see just how much of each that is.
Hope that helps.
D
Thank you for dressing this down for me. The B Day is all about the grand daughter. No doubt.. And I am unfortunately making it about me. I am glad many of you see through this for what it is.. If I were to see them together, the damn movie of them Together starts playing. I have to remember, and replay the reason we divorced to begin with. I have lots of notes, of which I will re read them again and again.. It helps me.
