No the DB boundary threads. Ok you set a boundary you will not attend holidays parties with new dude. You say boundary is broken. What are the consequences? If it’s you not attending your ex gets what she wants so you may want to revisit your consequences.
I guess I compare to me and I am in my mid 50s (wtf) and move methodically slow.
How’s GAL and dating going?
Consequences of breaking a boundary never crossed my mind. Mentally I can handle missing the family Christmas. Being a introvert helps there. I am used to months of isolation and no contact, ex Submariner. But, My kids and I are fine with it, so they say. Only one event is grandbabys B day next month. My oldest has told her Momma, she wants us both there.
Also, my grandbabys Dad is her world. If he is there, no one else matters. I think there is more to my daughter wanting that event to happen with us both there. Quite Frankly, I dont care if ex is there. I dont care to see her either. If ex gets her way. Fine, right now.
Mach I was trying to make a subtle point in there that you should read up on boundaries. DB 101 stuff you should probably know by now and I have a feeling you are going to need for your step children.
Boundaries are for you. They are a predefined reasoned action you will take to extract yourself from a situation. Most times for things that are hurtful to you mentally/emotionally, or disrespectful, or intolerable, etc.
It’s not about consequences for the other party. It’s about your actions. Now, there may be some consequential repercussions due to your actions; however that is not the focus.
A common example is when one will just hang up the phone when their angry spouse yells and swears and otherwise gets all disrespectful. You just hang up. You end it. If it happens that the particular conversation that day is regarding something financial or needed to the angry spouse, well then they have some consequences. However, that’s not the reason for your action.
By the way, as one heals, finds indifference, accepts, and forgives, the reason(s) for needing one’s boundary fade more and more. In other words, the same behaviour from the other person can/does become more tolerable and less hurtful. It’s perfectly acceptable, and a good idea, to revisit one’s boundaries and update them accordingly.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now the tricky part, me and the ex. Ex is seeing someone. I was clear I didnt want to see them together.
That is your want or wish. You cannot control that or her. Therefore, it’s a request not a boundary.
Originally Posted by Mach40
First hurdle of testing my boundary. My grandbaby is having two plays this week. Same play, just twice. I had planned on going to both as I was told nobody could go due to work, and ex is sick again, fever (Flu more than likely). Fever broke two days ago, and she texted me asking for the two them to show up for one of the events as she knew I was going to both. She said, I respect your feelings etc, and want to run it by you. I said, I will go one day, and you can go the other. Problem solved, but my boundary was tested.
I read this exchange as your request was honoured. You and ex found a way to both see the play and not cause a bunch of hurt feelings or drama. Well done, from my point of view.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now, Grand babys B Day is in January, and my daughter has told her Momma, that there will be one party, and her new man is not to be there. Not my business, as that is their fight. It can go a few ways.
Yes, daughter and Mom are the ones to hash this out.
No need to borrow trouble. Perhaps, ex will honour daughter’s request/demand/boundary. I’m unsure how firmly daughter is stating this to Mom so it’s somewhere from request to boundary.
Originally Posted by Mach40
But, I will not go if he is there, its too soon to deal with this.
This is closer to a defined boundary. An action you will take to limit a situation.
You have time on your side. Time to calm, time to use reason, and time to consider. To consider if such is boundary-worthy. And if so, time to consider your defined planned response, rather than a reaction.
Be accurate in thought and heart. It’s totally fine to feel hurt and sad and angry and a host of other strong emotions. Do not make decisions and choices based upon emotions, for it will end in regret. Feel your emotions, and let them go. Answers do present themselves when we are calm.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Quite Frankly, I dont care if ex is there. I dont care to see her either. If ex gets her way. Fine, right now.
To be accurate. It looks like you do care. There is a lot of passion and strong feelings towards someone and something you state you don’t care about. It’s ok to care. Moving forward in a clear manner, requires you seeing your thought and heart clearly.
“If ex gets her way” illustrates what’s underlying and behind your stress. Realize, it’s not about if ex gets her way, or if you get your way. It’s your grand baby’s birthday party. So, you do you. That’s it.
“Fine. Right now.” Looks like you can handle IF the dude were to show. Consider if that is true.
It may hurt to attend with ex and her guy present. It may hurt more to miss the birthday party. It depends on you and where you are with healing and such.
Boundaries are for you. And your enforcement action, like most things in life, will have benefits for self and consequences to self associated with it. It’s up to you to see just how much of each that is.
Hope that helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Moving fast, well they are in mid to late 50s. They may see the clock is ticking to finding their forever mate.. She has been noted to say, "I am getting older...." I imagine with some people they know statistics arent in their favor to date, remarry etc the older they get, especially after two failed marriages...
Two failed marriages, mid 50s and STILL looking for their soulmate or “forever” partner. I swear it makes a mockery to both terms. My parents had forever partners. They were married for 62 years. How can these people even call it forever when “forever” has three phases and lasts a dozen or two years at a time. Yet I remember seeing that in OLD as well. “Looking for my soulmate” or “Prince Charming” or “looking for the fantasy”. It’s totally lost on them that THEY are the problem in achieving this life goal. They think it’s their partners who failed and if only they find the (next) right person they will be happy. Rather than figuring out they stink at relationships. Sadly these types of people are everywhere in mid life dating. But it won’t stop them from rushing into the next fairytale. It’s what they do.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
No the DB boundary threads. Ok you set a boundary you will not attend holidays parties with new dude. You say boundary is broken. What are the consequences? If it’s you not attending your ex gets what she wants so you may want to revisit your consequences.
I was thinking that too...
You set a boundary, that you won't be there if her BF is there....
You miss the event...
All that your grandbabies will remember is, that you weren't there....
All that you will remember is that you weren't there...and that someone else's actions stopped you from being there....
What are there, like 5 seats in where this play is/was ?
Nobody says you have to sit close...
My advice would be...
That there are going to be times when you and "them" are gonna have to be in the same room at the same time.
You can either choose to be bitter and angry...
Or you can choose to realize that the event(s) isn't about you....
When my Daughter graduated high school, I had asked her about a party, and she made it clear that she wanted only ONE party, and that we would just have to deal with being together for it. I was kinda where you are. I was okay with whatever my Ex wanted to do and live her life, although I didn't exactly want it in my face.
After some struggle, I came to the conclusion that the day wasn't about me, it was about my Daughter. And anyone could say anything they wanted to me that day, without any repercussion. There might be he!l to pay the next day, yet it was "all good" on her party day. Because it wasn't about me....
It takes time to get there, yet you can't go forward by thinking backward....
Try to find a balance and peace with this....cause if you want to be in their life, these things are gonna happen.
Boundaries are for you. They are a predefined reasoned action you will take to extract yourself from a situation. Most times for things that are hurtful to you mentally/emotionally, or disrespectful, or intolerable, etc.
It’s not about consequences for the other party. It’s about your actions. Now, there may be some consequential repercussions due to your actions; however that is not the focus.
A common example is when one will just hang up the phone when their angry spouse yells and swears and otherwise gets all disrespectful. You just hang up. You end it. If it happens that the particular conversation that day is regarding something financial or needed to the angry spouse, well then they have some consequences. However, that’s not the reason for your action.
By the way, as one heals, finds indifference, accepts, and forgives, the reason(s) for needing one’s boundary fade more and more. In other words, the same behaviour from the other person can/does become more tolerable and less hurtful. It’s perfectly acceptable, and a good idea, to revisit one’s boundaries and update them accordingly.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now the tricky part, me and the ex. Ex is seeing someone. I was clear I didnt want to see them together.
That is your want or wish. You cannot control that or her. Therefore, it’s a request not a boundary.
Originally Posted by Mach40
First hurdle of testing my boundary. My grandbaby is having two plays this week. Same play, just twice. I had planned on going to both as I was told nobody could go due to work, and ex is sick again, fever (Flu more than likely). Fever broke two days ago, and she texted me asking for the two them to show up for one of the events as she knew I was going to both. She said, I respect your feelings etc, and want to run it by you. I said, I will go one day, and you can go the other. Problem solved, but my boundary was tested.
I read this exchange as your request was honoured. You and ex found a way to both see the play and not cause a bunch of hurt feelings or drama. Well done, from my point of view.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now, Grand babys B Day is in January, and my daughter has told her Momma, that there will be one party, and her new man is not to be there. Not my business, as that is their fight. It can go a few ways.
Yes, daughter and Mom are the ones to hash this out.
No need to borrow trouble. Perhaps, ex will honour daughter’s request/demand/boundary. I’m unsure how firmly daughter is stating this to Mom so it’s somewhere from request to boundary.
Originally Posted by Mach40
But, I will not go if he is there, its too soon to deal with this.
This is closer to a defined boundary. An action you will take to limit a situation.
You have time on your side. Time to calm, time to use reason, and time to consider. To consider if such is boundary-worthy. And if so, time to consider your defined planned response, rather than a reaction.
Be accurate in thought and heart. It’s totally fine to feel hurt and sad and angry and a host of other strong emotions. Do not make decisions and choices based upon emotions, for it will end in regret. Feel your emotions, and let them go. Answers do present themselves when we are calm.
Originally Posted by Mach40
Quite Frankly, I dont care if ex is there. I dont care to see her either. If ex gets her way. Fine, right now.
To be accurate. It looks like you do care. There is a lot of passion and strong feelings towards someone and something you state you don’t care about. It’s ok to care. Moving forward in a clear manner, requires you seeing your thought and heart clearly.
“If ex gets her way” illustrates what’s underlying and behind your stress. Realize, it’s not about if ex gets her way, or if you get your way. It’s your grand baby’s birthday party. So, you do you. That’s it.
“Fine. Right now.” Looks like you can handle IF the dude were to show. Consider if that is true.
It may hurt to attend with ex and her guy present. It may hurt more to miss the birthday party. It depends on you and where you are with healing and such.
Boundaries are for you. And your enforcement action, like most things in life, will have benefits for self and consequences to self associated with it. It’s up to you to see just how much of each that is.
Hope that helps.
D
Thank you for dressing this down for me. The B Day is all about the grand daughter. No doubt.. And I am unfortunately making it about me. I am glad many of you see through this for what it is.. If I were to see them together, the damn movie of them Together starts playing. I have to remember, and replay the reason we divorced to begin with. I have lots of notes, of which I will re read them again and again.. It helps me.
No the DB boundary threads. Ok you set a boundary you will not attend holidays parties with new dude. You say boundary is broken. What are the consequences? If it’s you not attending your ex gets what she wants so you may want to revisit your consequences.
I was thinking that too...
You set a boundary, that you won't be there if her BF is there....
You miss the event...
All that your grandbabies will remember is, that you weren't there....
All that you will remember is that you weren't there...and that someone else's actions stopped you from being there....
What are there, like 5 seats in where this play is/was ?
Nobody says you have to sit close...
My advice would be...
That there are going to be times when you and "them" are gonna have to be in the same room at the same time.
You can either choose to be bitter and angry...
Or you can choose to realize that the event(s) isn't about you....
When my Daughter graduated high school, I had asked her about a party, and she made it clear that she wanted only ONE party, and that we would just have to deal with being together for it. I was kinda where you are. I was okay with whatever my Ex wanted to do and live her life, although I didn't exactly want it in my face.
After some struggle, I came to the conclusion that the day wasn't about me, it was about my Daughter. And anyone could say anything they wanted to me that day, without any repercussion. There might be he!l to pay the next day, yet it was "all good" on her party day. Because it wasn't about me....
It takes time to get there, yet you can't go forward by thinking backward....
Try to find a balance and peace with this....cause if you want to be in their life, these things are gonna happen.
Moving fast, well they are in mid to late 50s. They may see the clock is ticking to finding their forever mate.. She has been noted to say, "I am getting older...." I imagine with some people they know statistics arent in their favor to date, remarry etc the older they get, especially after two failed marriages...
Two failed marriages, mid 50s and STILL looking for their soulmate or “forever” partner. I swear it makes a mockery to both terms. My parents had forever partners. They were married for 62 years. How can these people even call it forever when “forever” has three phases and lasts a dozen or two years at a time. Yet I remember seeing that in OLD as well. “Looking for my soulmate” or “Prince Charming” or “looking for the fantasy”. It’s totally lost on them that THEY are the problem in achieving this life goal. They think it’s their partners who failed and if only they find the (next) right person they will be happy. Rather than figuring out they stink at relationships. Sadly these types of people are everywhere in mid life dating. But it won’t stop them from rushing into the next fairytale. It’s what they do.
Doesnt matter if you stink at relationships. Deep down I hope her rerlationship fails, as I have said before. But that is very selfish of me as I know it. I am slowly working me, trying to GAL. Working the gym, dang I am out of shape after heart surgery. Church is very different from my Catholic school days. Taking a friend who just came into town for a tour of my city. Getting out. Been hanging out with male friends more, doing little stuff for each others houses/cars etc, As far as relationships at this age, If your needs ( emotional ((Loneliness/connection))for some, physical for others for example) are being met, arent you in love? Inject sarcasm..
Took a couple days off from my homestead and went on vacation.. Total me time. Gym is working out okay. My dang knees, right one, keeps letting me know its still not 100%. While on vacation I have been eating out and visiting the bar within the hotel. Its nice to just hang out and talk to people from various places etc.. One lady, the bartender, was from Oahu. Kinda cool. She had a long middle name from Hawaiians, yet she was Jewish.. She says it is all because her parents thought it was cool at the time.. Anyways, I will return on Christmas. I asked neighbor if his wife needs help at puppy shelter. Supposedly they are delivering non puppies ( too many puppies get returned following few days as many arent ready for a puppy) that have been adopted that.
Well, Its Christmas. Hits harder than a hammer on steel.. Daughters and grands are coming over and spending the night, so we can have Christmas part duex tomorrow. Priceless, at a price.. But the negative side of me sees the sinister woman with her man having a house all to themselves to enjoy Christmas alone.
