Thinking about yesterday's IC session. The C helped me realize just how cruel H's behavior is. Of course, from the outset, I was hurt by how he's treated me and I thought it was unfair, but now I see a deeper layer to his lashing out. For example, he has walked back what he said about being resentful of me; he even said I was a good partner. He has also repeatedly said he feels guilty. When he reiterated that I was not welcome in the apartment, he even said that it would not be good for me to stay there (as if he was protecting me!). There are a lot of other seemingly "kind" gestures that I won't get into here.
But now I see more clearly how those words do not fit his actions. No matter how he spins it, he's icing me out and shows no concern for my perspective or well-being. He clearly blames our relationship (and by extension, me) for all of his problems, even if he says that that's not what this is about. He hasn't really spewed or monstered at me. Instead, he masks his crap behavior with politeness. Nevertheless, he's calling all the shots. I'm writing this to remind myself to be wary of this kind of treatment in the future. It's really insidious and I am working on developing the clarity and the strength to see it and to stand up for myself. I will not let anyone in any area of my life disrespect me this way.
