So Mach...I'm glad the split play performances worked out for you and your Ex's BF isn't invited to the birthday party, but also think you need to prep for shared events in the future and decide how you're going to handle them. Like Ginger said it's about the child, not the adults.
Fortunately you're in a situation where it wasn't an affair between ExW and her new BF while you were married. So I know it's tough to see them together and maybeyou're not ready but it's a more respectful less insulting situation than an ExW/OM who violated your marriage and broke up your family. It's very likely at some point after the divorce one or both parties start dating, so it is inevitable at some point.
Also, and I say this gently because I know you've invested a lot of your life into raising these kids and I don't mean to minimize that responsibility and relationship, but you need to consider that technically they're your ExW's biological children and your step-kids. It's the parents who have custody rights, not the grandparents, and especially not the step-grandparents. It's great they see you as a dad and call you that - you must've made a difference in their lives - but you also can't expect to (for example) go to both play performances and have your ExW to not see a play at all because she may bring a date. I say that not to hurt you but out of love and just pointing out a factor in the equation.
I know it's tough, sorry man. It'll get easier over time.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I want to preface my reply, Mach, by saying I'm not as familiar with your story as I am with some others so forgive me if I say something that seems somewhat out of touch. What I do know of your story is something that you and I share. My XH had daughters when he and I married. We never had children of our own. So, my daughters (or kids) as I refer to them are not my actual birth children, but my step kids. So, from that standpoint, I can understand the dynamic you have going on with your kids. Having said that, I agree with most of what everyone before me has said. At some point, you will have to deal with the inevitable of your xw dating and it is painful, but it is also a fact of life. Kids have to come first or at some point, they are going to feel like they are being forced to choose whether they actually are or not.
It's a really tough place to be and I feel for you, for sure. I have traveled the road you are traveling and it does not get easier. It is so difficult to be the step-parent and try to navigate that dynamic and all the sh!t that gets thrown at you for that alone and then have to deal with seeing your xw with others on top of that. I wish I had some really cool advice to offer you, but I don't. All I can say is hang in there. Clearly you have done right be the kids in this situation and that is something to be proud of and hold on to.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
But I think it is levitating towards I will be the grand pa raising this child, along with ex.
Are you saying you believe you and your ex will soon have joint custody of your grandchild?
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now the tricky part, me and the ex. Ex is seeing someone. I was clear I didn't want to see them together. First hurdle of testing my boundary.
Are you saying your boundary was your EX can't date anyone?
Originally Posted by Mach40
My grandbaby is having two plays this week. Same play, just twice. I had planned on going to both as I was told nobody could go due to work, and ex is sick again, fever (Flu more than likely). Fever broke two days ago, and she texted me asking for the two them to show up for one of the events as she knew I was going to both. She said, I respect your feelings etc, and want to run it by you. I said, I will go one day, and you can go the other. Problem solved, but my boundary was tested.
How do you feel your boundary was tested?
Originally Posted by Mach40
Now, Grand babys B Day is in January, and my daughter has told her Momma, that there will be one party, and her new man is not to be there. Not my business, as that is their fight. It can go a few ways. But, I will not go if he is there, its too soon to deal with this. Thoughts.
It's your right to go if you don't feel comfortable. Maybe you can take your grand daughter to Chucky Cheese or something?
If my daughter completely severs ties with baby daddy, I know I will be supporting my grand daughter. Ex will too. She will be in her home, and I will be financially assisting for the babys needs. That would be sharing support for the child, not actual custody. I didnt say she could date, I made it clear to my ex I didnt want to see her with someone else anytime soon. She had agreed. But, she asked anyways. By asking me if it were okay to have him show up to event while I was there, was testing the boundary we agreed on. We will work something out. The issue is me being an adult. I just dont want to see it. Chucke Cheese is horrible, btw.
I made a vow to myself to never make my child’s events about me or OW. It’s not her fault.
You need to do what is right for you. But know that if you don’t show up because She is seeing someone, your granddaughter will remember you weren’t there , but this man was. Sorry, it’s a harsh reality.
You say it’s too soon, but am I mistaken or has it been a few years ?
Hey, its been a while for divorce, but there was never any other man actually around I knew of. This guy just started seeing her a couple months or so ago, and has gone to B days for the oldest, and Thanksgiving, now this.. Just not comfortable to go.. Remember, I am grand pa, not Dad too.. I just have a strong relationship with my grand baby.. I am hoping she wont be as upset.. If her Dads there, it will be okay, I am positive of that.
I want to preface my reply, Mach, by saying I'm not as familiar with your story as I am with some others so forgive me if I say something that seems somewhat out of touch. What I do know of your story is something that you and I share. My XH had daughters when he and I married. We never had children of our own. So, my daughters (or kids) as I refer to them are not my actual birth children, but my step kids. So, from that standpoint, I can understand the dynamic you have going on with your kids. Having said that, I agree with most of what everyone before me has said. At some point, you will have to deal with the inevitable of your xw dating and it is painful, but it is also a fact of life. Kids have to come first or at some point, they are going to feel like they are being forced to choose whether they actually are or not.
It's a really tough place to be and I feel for you, for sure. I have traveled the road you are traveling and it does not get easier. It is so difficult to be the step-parent and try to navigate that dynamic and all the sh!t that gets thrown at you for that alone and then have to deal with seeing your xw with others on top of that. I wish I had some really cool advice to offer you, but I don't. All I can say is hang in there. Clearly you have done right be the kids in this situation and that is something to be proud of and hold on to.
Thanx for that. It makes a perfect connection. My step daughters/daughters are 22/32 years old. Youngest is a beast, hard working, doesnt give a rats butt about issues like this. She just wants to spend time with me when she can. She is actually moving back in with me at the end of the month. The oldest is really getting close and is really appreciative of the relationship we have, after so many years of angst.. Now with her baby, she is embracing it. She knows its important to her daughter to have a relationship with me, due to her sitch with baby daddy. And, its important for her to have a place for her and her daughter besides her Moms to call home, if ever needed. When the time comes I have to face ex with someone else, well, I will know when I am ready..
So Mach...I'm glad the split play performances worked out for you and your Ex's BF isn't invited to the birthday party, but also think you need to prep for shared events in the future and decide how you're going to handle them. Like Ginger said it's about the child, not the adults.
Fortunately you're in a situation where it wasn't an affair between ExW and her new BF while you were married. So I know it's tough to see them together and maybeyou're not ready but it's a more respectful less insulting situation than an ExW/OM who violated your marriage and broke up your family. It's very likely at some point after the divorce one or both parties start dating, so it is inevitable at some point.
Also, and I say this gently because I know you've invested a lot of your life into raising these kids and I don't mean to minimize that responsibility and relationship, but you need to consider that technically they're your ExW's biological children and your step-kids. It's the parents who have custody rights, not the grandparents, and especially not the step-grandparents. It's great they see you as a dad and call you that - you must've made a difference in their lives - but you also can't expect to (for example) go to both play performances and have your ExW to not see a play at all because she may bring a date. I say that not to hurt you but out of love and just pointing out a factor in the equation.
I know it's tough, sorry man. It'll get easier over time.
Yep, its not something that is enjoyable. Kids and I are solid, and we agree to do things on different days. This event just set me up to start prepping for later. Thats why I put it here, as I know I will get great advise.
If they have only been dating a couple months she’s sure moving fast.
Isn't that common? The WAS/WS moving on way quicker than the LBS and accelerating the new R? My ExW moved OM2 in fresh off separation and while we were still married. You could argue Mach's Ex is moved slower than many sitches here.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yo Mach you may want to visit the boundary thread again.
If they have only been dating a couple months she’s sure moving fast.
Chucky Cheese was just a suggestion of many options.
My boundary thread? Moving fast, well they are in mid to late 50s. They may see the clock is ticking to finding their forever mate.. She has been noted to say, "I am getting older...." I imagine with some people they know statistics arent in their favor to date, remarry etc the older they get, especially after two failed marriages...No matter how strong you are, its always going to be a card in the deck. I would take her to Chuck R Cheese if she wanted, but I am sure her Momma would suggest other places. But I digress
No the DB boundary threads. Ok you set a boundary you will not attend holidays parties with new dude. You say boundary is broken. What are the consequences? If it’s you not attending your ex gets what she wants so you may want to revisit your consequences.
I guess I compare to me and I am in my mid 50s (wtf) and move methodically slow.
