Understanding the endgame, and working towards it. Focusing on the task, knowing regardless of the difficulty it can be accomplished. (We eat the elephant one bite at a time. ) A belief that hard work pays off.
Such work ethic usually reflects itself well in one’s interpersonal relationships, especially if they’ve worked in a team environment. Your internal value of the golden rule shines this attribute.
In your present situation, the endgame or outcome is unknown. That can muddle task driven and results oriented people, where in another more defined scenario they’d shine.
I was there too. Unsure and kind of lost and wondering. Like your thread title states: What to do.
I found my definition of endgame required altering.
For the last 15 years, I was the formal team leader of a group of skilled technicians. The first 18 years of my 33 career, I was a technician. The interesting thing of leading a team, your job never ends. Unlike my assigned tasks of technician where I focus on and completed tasks, as leader I dealt with backlog, scheduling, assigning work, dealing with problems, and a host of other constraints and concerns. The focus becomes different. Bigger picture. Much bigger.
My tasks had to become defined differently. Endgame had to be defined differently. There was an unending stream of work and stuff to do. Literally, unending. My role was to pull out what needs to happen and keep my ten or so technicians working effectively. Sure there was daily stuff, weekly stuff, and stuff that lasted years/decades. Yet no real set end point where one can say, there I am totally finished all my work. In fact, my retirement was basically me just picking an arbitrary date; and when the date arrived, putting down my pen and walking away from the pile of stuff to do.
Our situations post bomb drop are similarly “endless” in feeling. Therefore shift the endgame focus on to you. You are the endgame.
Those traits and convictions still serve you. Hard work does pay off! Focusing, knowing, accepting the difficulty, and willing to do the work. It absolutely pays dividends. Huge dividends!
So what is the endgame? Becoming you. You know, version 2.0. Being better, not bitter. And slogging your way through this mire, towards acceptance and forgiveness. (Also gives the best chance at reconciliation.)
The path does get easier, yet we never reach our destination. Of course, life’s path is not about the destination, it’s always been about the journey. Keep noble and honourable life goals and headings, to keep one on track. Increase and expand those goals as one reaches them; for that it growth. And do enjoy the walk.
It takes a bit to embrace the uncertainty of one’s situation. Such is life. We only control a wee bit of everything that is going around us. Hope lives in the possibilities. An uncertain future is full of possibility, and is therefore a hopeful one.
D
Thanks again, you have a way with words. Our paths sound very similar. I became a supervisor 9 years ago with anywhere from 11-15 guys under me. The description of your job sounds too familiar. Never ending work. I am also on call to dispatch some one or respond myself to maintenance emergencies, 24/7. To be honest I was much happier just working in maintenance. I enjoyed the work much more and I receive satisfaction from fixing things and helping others. I guess that makes the current sitch even more difficult-I can’t just repair us. I also picked an arbitrary date once I reached the 27 year mark, and will basically lay down my pen, turn in keys and phone, and go home. The uncertainty of my R combined with the uncertainty of my future have made for a super stressful situation. It is so scary to think I’ll be unemployed in two more weeks.
Last edited by DnJ; 12/15/2203:56 AM. Reason: Corrected typo.
Nothing of consequence to report. No R talks, we get along great, doing a decent job a gal, getting excited now that retirement day is getting closer. Some days she seems much more affectionate, others are more like she used to be. Not bad, just "normal". She has mentioned the future lately-summer vacation, next Christmas. Not reading too much into it, just taking note. She still initiates sex occasionally. To be honest, that doesn't really mean much because she was initiating when she was secretly talking to/seeing the om. It's more confusing than anything. She was very depressed last night. We were talking about getting a few more gifts for the kids and she got very emotional. Said Christmas is really getting to her. Started crying. I asked if there was something specific that was bothering her, she said no. I said I understood how this time of year would be hard for her and that in a few days it will be over. She cried a little more and then went to take a bath. No more talk about it. If I don't post again before then, Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for all the support.
Started crying. I asked if there was something specific that was bothering her, she said no. I said I understood how this time of year would be hard for her and that in a few days it will be over.
Mikey P I think it's really important you read up on validation. Your sentence above with just a tweak would have been perfect. "I understood how this time of year would be hard for her." Here you are indicating that you understand it's a difficult time of the year without trying to solve anything. The last part "that in a few days it will be over". You are trying to fix it. See the difference? Women do not want us fixing everything. They just want to be heard and understood.
Your situation is very similar to mine. I even think to an extent your W wants to have those feelings for you that she felt with OM. She just doesn't know that it won't magically happen. The mind is a very powerful tool. She has to believe she can or it won't happen.
You are going to have to dig down and fasten your seatbelt because you are going for a rollercoaster ride that many times you are going to want to get off. It is going to take a lot of patience and perseverance.
Nothing of consequence to report. No R talks, we get along great, doing a decent job a gal, getting excited now that retirement day is getting closer. Some days she seems much more affectionate, others are more like she used to be. Not bad, just "normal". She has mentioned the future lately-summer vacation, next Christmas. Not reading too much into it, just taking note. She still initiates sex occasionally. To be honest, that doesn't really mean much because she was initiating when she was secretly talking to/seeing the om. It's more confusing than anything. She was very depressed last night. We were talking about getting a few more gifts for the kids and she got very emotional. Said Christmas is really getting to her. Started crying. I asked if there was something specific that was bothering her, she said no. I said I understood how this time of year would be hard for her and that in a few days it will be over. She cried a little more and then went to take a bath. No more talk about it. If I don't post again before then, Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for all the support.
I know that the temptation here is to think that it is a good thing she is emotional. However, in my own experience, depression and sadness is usually missing the OM, not that she is regretting what she was/is doing. It is very difficult to watch when you realize it isn't for you and the marriage that she is weepy for. In my first situation I misread my WW's depression as regret for what she had done. Then I found messages to her friends saying that she felt stuck, watched (because I was monitoring all of her compute activity), and that she greatly missed the OM. And that was just an EA, they had never met in person. In my most recent situation, about 3 weeks in she became really sad and depressed. This time I realized that it wasn't about me or the marriage or sadness for what she had caused. I even broke protocol and asked her what had happened with the OM (this time another EA with a guy that lived hundreds of miles away in another state!). She responded that he had decided to stay with his girlfriend which confirmed my suspicions as to why she was so sad.
And she might feel stuck. I know my WW in the most recent situation would talk about future things with me, and that alone would make her sad and depressed because it was born out of feeling stuck in the marriage, not because she wanted that future she was talking about. Again, it hurts to know that but that was my reality at the time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Are you a challenge for her? Don't be easy. It is more work but you need to create excitement in her life by your behavior. All the BDing concepts rolled together should be increasing her desire for you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
) A belief that hard work pays off.
