We are living in strange times.

[BL42]

DonH,

Hope you don't mind I pulled this summary you gave over to your thread as to not hijack MikeP's - feel free to have the mods delete it if you'd rather it not be here - but had some questions/comments...

Also, crazily I do not know your story. Were you cheated on?

Great timing as my story will relate to Mike’s. Yes my ex cheated with a co-worker who was also a friend of sorts of mine - much more a neighboring fire department member. He had a GF at the time ex hired him in the hospital department she managed. I should have caught on sooner. Sadly, in a way, but heathy in other ways, I’m anything but jealous. So it didn’t bother me in the least he would help her out, do things, even went on a vacation with us. It was yet another cruise. This time one I ran. So when I say “us” there were dozens in the core group and 500 total with the total group. He and his GF broke up and ex felt so sorry for him he had to go by himself. By this time I was getting suspicious. A few months later after a HS grad party we hosted for S18 I was VERY suspicious. By then it was too late. That was on Saturday/Sunday. I was bomb dropped on Monday. Even my mom said “what does Hors Hey have to do with it”? Others had noticed him constantly following her around at the party.

I successfully DBd and had moved onto piecing by about 6 months later. Yet she worked with him and was his boss daily. I again was not jealous but should have at least tried to do something, although would it have helped? I remember having to go to a meeting at the hospital and entered near the cafeteria. Who do you think I spotted in line getting lunch together? She half axed piecing for about 6 months. The first 2 she tried. The other 4 she was going through the motions.

Not long after the D was final a new higher level director fired her for having an affair/R with her employee. She was “Devastated” until quickly finding a six figure job traveling the world for a device manufacturer. About 6 months after that I got a call from a realtor asking for my ex. It was about her offer. When I said she’s not reachable at this number the realtor asked “is this Hors hey” I said it most certainly is not. At least they bought at the very top of the realty bubble of 2008. I wonder if the house is finally worth what they overpaid for it? She finally admitted it 5 months later on Thanksgiving. Even made the kids lie to me. Yep, then she sent me an email on thanksgiving. Guess she didn’t want to wait for Christmas. Still denied ANYTHING happened between them before bomb drop. Yeah, right. They are still married to this day - her third and longest marriage. She has a very strained R with her D to this day. I have a good R with stepdaughter and her family - esp. her husband. Again remember how “they” claim 99% of Rs that start as affairs never make it. Not true.

So would have things turned out different without OM/employee? Perhaps - but likely only until next OM was found. I’ve been told there have been others. I took her out of being a divorced mom of 2 young kids 6/8) living paycheck to paycheck. I was an at home parent while she worked 60 hours a week. I did a lot with and for the kids. Do I wish we would have stayed married - not at all. I’m glad I got out of that. She has not changed. Just talking to S or D or friends confirm that. Sounds like their M is rocky and was even before they married, but with a special needs adoption now 10 - the same age as oldest granddaughter - D is a much harder option. So he has her. I hope he’s miserable because of it as I’m anything but miserable. He got what he wanted.

So that’s the story LH but Mike it’s also a cautionary tale for you with your sitch.

But it’s also not lost on me she was here and pretending to be happy until 2 days after her youngest’s graduation party. Then she dropped the bomb and right or wrong I was shocked.

So you think she used you to help raise her two young kids? Do you think that was the plan from the start, or at some point over the years thought she wanted out but decided to wait until they graduated?

More likely the later. She really would never tell me. She did say to several friends she got married for the wrong reasons. It was her who pushed for the marriage most certainly not me. Although in the first year or two of dating it’s pretty hard to deny she was very much in love with and wanted to be with me. In hindsight there were red flags I missed together with those I ignored. But as in many sitchs there were many and multiple things that intertwined. We both did things wrong but what could not be changed and what I less understood was her childhood with an alcoholic father who died in front of her from a heart attack when she was a teenager. She had codependent, self esteem issues but hid it well. She was rarely honest about how she felt, what she wanted, but I thought she was honest. I Remember times where it would be weeks later and she’d finally say “I was really mad at you” for something I did or said many weeks prior. She said she’s great at being independent and doing things on her own when the truth was she wanted to see me 24/7, needed my and everyone else’s attention and approval - the attention and approval she craved but never received from her father.

As her self esteem improved along with more and more work success, she changed and put less and less effort into the M. By now I had bailed her out of her upside down house and home equity mortgage - it cost into five figures to close on the sale of her house but we were married. I was already pretty financially accomplished along with being CEO of one organization and president of another. I’m sure the security I provided was part of her attraction. Yet she was still searching for happiness. “Let’s remodel the house, that will make me happy.” But it didn’t. Then let’s build a deck, then she wants a sorts car. Then a different job. She was always searching for something to make her happy. Then it was a baby - something I was clear I was not wanting at 40.

So I’d surmise she was thinking exit for at least a few years prior. But if I wasn’t able to see through her lies and hiding her true feelings before whether I should have or not, she continued to hide it. It’s hard to see waiting until her youngest was out of high school and more or less moving off on his own to cut and run not being a very conscious one. I’ve often wondered if she didn’t try to get pregnant as well and then would have just said, oh whoops sometimes BC fails. She later became pregnant at like 46 I think and miscarried - this was after D. Then tried to do a private adoption that failed, followed by finally adopting a Downs baby. I find it hard to believe this was not part of her new plan, because she would not get a baby with me so did it a different way.

Probably way more than you were looking for but since my story is over 15 years old, there’s a bit of a refresher for today’s participants.