I appreciate the feedback, I am struggling with the right amount of detachment when we are in same house. She does not work and is gone all day, I am adjusting my days to be gone as well with work and GAL as I move forward. The hard part is dinner time and evenings when she is “around” and I’m with the kids. I respond to her when she talks but keep it simple. Most of the time I don’t speak unless she talks. For example last night I was watching a show with D19 and she is out there talking to us and asking me questions about various things. I could remove myself from the situation, but want to be with D19. She did say that all this would be much easier if we could all act as adults and just get along. This isn’t first time she’s said this, I’ve been silent when she does, but curious as to best answer here. I want to just tell her, look at yourself and what you are doing to this family and tell her to be the [censored] adult, but I know not to do that she claims the S/D will be l better for everyone and allow her to be a better mother. Little things like these comments are were I am struggling for responses and I feel silence looks like weakness.
Quick question as I read through threads of WW. Some are recommending invites to WWS for things to do. When I reread Sandy’s post I get that she recommends discontinuing all of that. I’m curious on everyone’s thoughts around this, as well as comments of ignoring calls and texts. I don’t want to be dishonest or come off controlling.
As for the texts. Questions I answer with a short response, non questions I do not answer. I feel that does not make a lighthouse or someone that would be hard to leave. Thanks all
I am in the middle on this one. The problem goes back to the expectations that a LBS can have with these kinds of invites. IF you can invite her along to things and assign no significance to whether or not she comes, then I don't see a problem. However, it should be infrequent, and should be because you are taking the kids, or maybe meeting mutual friends, etc.
Most of your activities should be on your own.
Most of the time the best approach for calls is to let them go to VM. If no VM and/or no followup text then it probably wasn't that important.
Obviously with VM and texts you can respond to direct question in your own time.
On messages, if it is informational then there no need to respond. You aren't ignoring them, ignoring them would be to not even listen or read them. If she asks a direct question, then respond with a text to the question in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
Avoid the temptation to include courtesies. "Thanks for texting." "Good to hear from you.' "Bye for now." Stick to business and strictly business.
If she asks a question you don't want to answer then put her off for now. "I need to consider this some more before answering." That is a perfectly good answer or something similar.
Hope this helps.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve, How about when she questions me in person why I didn’t answer or acknowledge the text?
"I was busy" is always a good answer. You should be answering honestly, because you should always be busy doing something. Even if that something is relaxing.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
FM, lots of LBSs struggle with this. "It feels wrong." "Isn't it passive-aggressive?"
FM, here is the thing, the way you have been dealing with her hasn't been working, right? So you have to change that dynamic.
If this helps, when I started instituting these kinds of changes then suddenly my wife started to change. From always being on edge, thinking I was going to grill her on where she was, what she was thinking, etc. To relaxing around me, being more free to just have light, fun discussion, and not always thinking I was going to go into relationship status mode.
To change your situation you have to change the dynamic.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Quick question as I read through threads of WW. Some are recommending invites to WWS for things to do. When I reread Sandy’s post I get that she recommends discontinuing all of that. I’m curious on everyone’s thoughts around this, as well as comments of ignoring calls and texts. I don’t want to be dishonest or come off controlling.
doing so would be regarded as pursuit. don't. let her bake.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Goodness I miss Sandi and am eternally grateful she took an interest in my situation.
Anyway, here’s my opinion and what worked. My ex ran the gambit from wanting me to harm myself and tried to get me too, to I’m meaningless, to let’s be friends to I want you back. You know what got her wanting me back and countless others. Not giving a rip what she wanted, said, or did.
There have been a few times when she’s called in the past and you know when she’s just telling stories to hear herself talk, and when she was being 100%. She told me she didn’t understand why I was doing better without her. Why I was busy, had a ton of friends, was always doing fun stuff. All of a sudden the man who was steady, safe, and always there (in other words boring) was the life of the party. She realized she screwed up and I was in the same boat she was. Going through the motions, I just didn’t cheat.
So, what do you want to be? Her friend? Nothing? Her husband?
You wanna be her friend, than be friendly. You want to be nothing to her? Than be a her doormat and constantly be there and text back and be available. You want a chance of getting her back? Than make her stop and wonder where you are. What are you doing. She wants you to be single, so be single. I’m not saying date or have one night stands, but go do what you want without a care in the world how it affects her.
This is just what worked for me, but as Sandi says; do what works.
Keep your head high, there is an end to this.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
she claims the S/D will be l better for everyone and allow her to be a better mother. Little things like these comments are were I am struggling for responses and I feel silence looks like weakness.