She said everyday she wakes up and is still at home, with me feels like a win. She sees that as trying.
I think she’s being honest about that. It’s where she’s at and you wanting more is nothing but pressure to her. She feels like you’ve got her cornered right outside your goal. She’s trying to get past you to just get a little downfield towards your goal but you keep pushing her back. Give her a little room to work. Stop the full court press and just let her get to center court where the game can actually be played. You’re so focused on scoring you’ve lost site that in this instance if you shoot and score it means you actually lose the game rather than win it.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
No apology needed. Been there. Totally understand buddy. I’m glad you appreciate the encouragement.
Originally Posted by MikeP
GALing, detaching, and being her Lighthouse. As I should have been doing all along.
I’d like you dig deeper about what not giving up looks/means for you. Those listed above are good. However, think more generally. Think your character, your convictions, etc. In your view, what are the necessary traits to see something through? Don’t even worry about tying it to this situation. You’re about to retire. You’ve probably had some gruelling projects or work you’ve had to persevere which likely will provide some inspiration I would think.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Funny you should ask. Your last post really got me thinking. I just ran out to get lunch. I was thinking about it while driving. I think maybe I feel hopeless because I am being self centered and only thinking about me. Being the victim, which I despise. Not even fully aware that I'm doing it. I read all these other stories and most of them don't have the fairy tale happy ending. So I'm just having a pity party in my head for poor me. My W told me something a while back when I mentioned her unwillingness to "try" to work on things. She said everyday she wakes up and is still at home, with me feels like a win. She sees that as trying. At the time, I didn't say it to her, I thought that was a bs answer. So yes, I have more growing to do. These infrequent moments of clarity are nice. I wish there were more of them.
Originally Posted by DonH
I think she’s being honest about that. It’s where she’s at and you wanting more is nothing but pressure to her. She feels like you’ve got her cornered right outside your goal. She’s trying to get past you to just get a little downfield towards your goal but you keep pushing her back. Give her a little room to work. Stop the full court press and just let her get to center court where the game can actually be played. You’re so focused on scoring you’ve lost site that in this instance if you shoot and score it means you actually lose the game rather than win it.
Great analogy Don.....
Mike...
What would it look like to you to let her get to half court ?
What does it look like to trust yourself enough to do that ??
What is stopping you from giving her time to work on her, while you work on you ??
Funny you should ask. Your last post really got me thinking. I just ran out to get lunch. I was thinking about it while driving. I think maybe I feel hopeless because I am being self centered and only thinking about me. Being the victim, which I despise. Not even fully aware that I'm doing it. I read all these other stories and most of them don't have the fairy tale happy ending. So I'm just having a pity party in my head for poor me. My W told me something a while back when I mentioned her unwillingness to "try" to work on things. She said everyday she wakes up and is still at home, with me feels like a win. She sees that as trying. At the time, I didn't say it to her, I thought that was a bs answer. So yes, I have more growing to do. These infrequent moments of clarity are nice. I wish there were more of them.
Originally Posted by DonH
I think she’s being honest about that. It’s where she’s at and you wanting more is nothing but pressure to her. She feels like you’ve got her cornered right outside your goal. She’s trying to get past you to just get a little downfield towards your goal but you keep pushing her back. Give her a little room to work. Stop the full court press and just let her get to center court where the game can actually be played. You’re so focused on scoring you’ve lost site that in this instance if you shoot and score it means you actually lose the game rather than win it.
Great analogy Don.....
Mike...
What would it look like to you to let her get to half court ?
What does it look like to trust yourself enough to do that ??
What is stopping you from giving her time to work on her, while you work on you ??
Love ?
Guilt ?
Obligation ?
Anger ?
Fear ?
Giving her time and the space she needs. Focusing on me instead of W and the R. Lack of patience, concern over the outcome and om- fear.
No apology needed. Been there. Totally understand buddy. I’m glad you appreciate the encouragement.
Originally Posted by MikeP
GALing, detaching, and being her Lighthouse. As I should have been doing all along.
I’d like you dig deeper about what not giving up looks/means for you. Those listed above are good. However, think more generally. Think your character, your convictions, etc. In your view, what are the necessary traits to see something through? Don’t even worry about tying it to this situation. You’re about to retire. You’ve probably had some gruelling projects or work you’ve had to persevere which likely will provide some inspiration I would think.
Ordinarily I'm good at seeing the endgame. I can usually put my head down and get to work, regardless of the difficulty. I've always thought, naively at times, that hard work will eventually pay off. Most times that mindset pays off. I like to treat people how I want to be treated. I'm a pretty simple guy, possibly too simple.
Understanding the endgame, and working towards it. Focusing on the task, knowing regardless of the difficulty it can be accomplished. (We eat the elephant one bite at a time. ) A belief that hard work pays off.
Such work ethic usually reflects itself well in one’s interpersonal relationships, especially if they’ve worked in a team environment. Your internal value of the golden rule shines this attribute.
In your present situation, the endgame or outcome is unknown. That can muddle task driven and results oriented people, where in another more defined scenario they’d shine.
I was there too. Unsure and kind of lost and wondering. Like your thread title states: What to do.
I found my definition of endgame required altering.
For the last 15 years, I was the formal team leader of a group of skilled technicians. The first 18 years of my 33 career, I was a technician. The interesting thing of leading a team, your job never ends. Unlike my assigned tasks of technician where I focus on and completed tasks, as leader I dealt with backlog, scheduling, assigning work, dealing with problems, and a host of other constraints and concerns. The focus becomes different. Bigger picture. Much bigger.
My tasks had to become defined differently. Endgame had to be defined differently. There was an unending stream of work and stuff to do. Literally, unending. My role was to pull out what needs to happen and keep my ten or so technicians working effectively. Sure there was daily stuff, weekly stuff, and stuff that lasted years/decades. Yet no real set end point where one can say, there I am totally finished all my work. In fact, my retirement was basically me just picking an arbitrary date; and when the date arrived, putting down my pen and walking away from the pile of stuff to do.
Our situations post bomb drop are similarly “endless” in feeling. Therefore shift the endgame focus on to you. You are the endgame.
Those traits and convictions still serve you. Hard work does pay off! Focusing, knowing, accepting the difficulty, and willing to do the work. It absolutely pays dividends. Huge dividends!
So what is the endgame? Becoming you. You know, version 2.0. Being better, not bitter. And slogging your way through this mire, towards acceptance and forgiveness. (Also gives the best chance at reconciliation.)
The path does get easier, yet we never reach our destination. Of course, life’s path is not about the destination, it’s always been about the journey. Keep noble and honourable life goals and headings, to keep one on track. Increase and expand those goals as one reaches them; for that it growth. And do enjoy the walk.
It takes a bit to embrace the uncertainty of one’s situation. Such is life. We only control a wee bit of everything that is going around us. Hope lives in the possibilities. An uncertain future is full of possibility, and is therefore a hopeful one.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I fear that I post too often the same ole crap over and over. Sorry for being thick headed but it helps to just vent and be reminded.
Spaced repetition is the key to learning. While going through this, there is soo much to vent. Good job doing it here.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Of course I have changed...Maybe I'm just not understanding your point.
My point is you only have control of you. I believe personal growth is a never ending process. How long have you been at it? Are you the best version of yourself that you can imagine?
I ask these questions not looking for answers, but rather for you (and anyone else reading) to think about and reflect on and to inspire you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
) A belief that hard work pays off.