I'll try an address LH and Mach at the same time here. Me from 6 months ago- I didn't try to see things from her point of view, everything was black and white. This ties into what Mach said, I'm trying very hard to understand that she didn't do this "to" me. It happened for a variety of reasons and a lot of those reasons were my fault. When we do have R talks, which are not happening now but used to, I don't just beat her over the head with "you cheated" or "you hurt me" etc. I have said that a few times in the beginning when she would act like I should just get over it. I don't now. I treat her kindly, the way I want to be treated. Probably the main difference in our interactions is that I'm not as impatient, I try and look at situations through her eyes, I'm not short with her when she annoys me or doesn't understand something I'm trying to explain. I am an impatient person. I'm aware of it and changing. I'm also working on my negativity, which I have mentioned before. I think she may be operating in reverse with the guilt/anger dynamic. She seemed angry/resentful in the beginning. Now she doesn't seem angry at all.
Mach I get what you mean about applying rules of marriage to this and that it doesn't work. I'm trying not to, I really am. After 25+ years following those rules, it's difficult. As long as she spends everyday working around and with the om I'm going to struggle, not going to lie. It almost feels pointless to continue sometimes. I feel she won't come back to me if she's with him everyday. My problem, I know. I try to act as if she isn't interested in him anymore, doesn't work very well.
I'm not sure how long we would last if she recommitted today. I don't honestly know that she will ever be willing to do anything beyond wanting to forget and move on. That won't work. I tell myself I have forgiven the affair. I still get angry if I think about it but trying to understand why it happened allows me to forgive her. True love- Being a compassionate ear when needed. Wanting to spend time together, just being- not necessarily doing anything. Wanting to do things for each other, that we know the other appreciates, not feeling obligated to. When I think of her I smile, it makes me happy. Growing old together, happily, and watching our children begin lives of their own. In the past I could picture her smiling eyes if I was having a crap day and that could turn it around. She was always such a happy person and she made me a better, happier person when I was around her. Is that love? It feels like it to me. I never bought in to the Hollywood bs either. I do understand her losing her sense of self, I guess I struggle to understand how she dealt with it (affair) and how she is currently dealing with it. I have felt the same way over the years and didn't react that way so I have a hard time accepting it I suppose. Everyone is different. That's part of me trying to be less black and white about everything, not always succeeding obviously. Maybe my lack of understanding is because I still worry about her and the om instead of just focusing on me and letting it go. It's hard to think it's about how she's feeling if I think she still wants to be with him. I know the om is a symptom of her problem and not the cause of my problems, it sure feels like it though. Maybe I need to remind myself of our vows. Especially the in sickness and health, for better or for worse parts. In a sense you could say this is a sickness and definitely is for worse. I should look at it that way going forward.
I haven't grown as much as I need too. I have changed. For the better. My biggest problem isn't growth or change though, in my opinion. I struggle with feeling hopeless. A lot. I feel like I'm on this rollercoaster that everyone talks about and when it ends, I will be standing there alone. Thanks for the hard questions. I haven't really put that amount of effort into thinking before now.
For the record, I come on here and vent about things in my head. I don't tell these things to W. I vent here to avoid that. Thanks everyone.
