Lh- I at am the limit for anymore OM shenanigans. If she starts up with om1 again or finds #2 I’m done. No discussion, I’m out. I let her know that when she came home. I have also set a date for this limbo bs to end. 4/2/23 will be 1 year from BD. If nothing has changed I will have to decide if I’m willing to stay the course.
This is great. Except that you need to change that last sentence. if 4/2/23 is the drop dead date, then you need to have a clear action ahead of you. "If nothing has changed (what?) I will have to decide if I'm willing to stay the course." Wishy-washy.
Here was how mine looked and I put it right in my signature. "I have decided to give her 1 year from BD. If on 12/23/2018 she isn't fully committed back to the marriage, I will go file for D myself!"
See the difference. Clear expectation (she being committed back to the marriage in totality) then clear action (I would go file for D myself).
You're right, I would need to be more clear. I guess at this point I'm not committed to that so I am being wishy washy. I hate to think about it because in the end I do want it to work. It seems like if an entire year passes and she isn't ready to commit, she never will be. I know 1 year is just an arbitrary length of time, but if a year isn't enough time what is? Maybe at that point me wanting out will be what lights a fire under her azz. Don't know, just rambling.
Mike, you need to decide what the drop dead date looks like? For me it was that I was willing to live in limbo for 1 year to give her a chance to make her decision. But that I was unwilling to live in limbo beyond that so I would make the decision for her. It sounds to me like you are trying to use the drop dead date to motivate her. That is bad because it has expectations attached to it.
The drop dead date is for you. Not her. You shouldn't even tell her about the drop dead date. For all of the reasons that I gave you about ultimatums being bad. She'll appease it, she won't really be committed back, etc. Obviously, you have time to decide this. I highly encourage having one. Limbo in an in-home separation is a terrible place to be. So having a date where you will take action to end limbo is a good thing. But you have to decide for you how long that is. For me it was 1 year. For you it might be 1 1/2 years or two years. Think about it though, because otherwise you could be waiting a lifetime. Life is too short to let these things go on into perpetuity.
Last edited by SteveLW; 12/14/2202:03 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
