Wayward Wife help (2)

[BL42]

FwdMvmnt,

I did contact some Ls today, have a consultation to cover rights next Monday.

Good. That's one of the most important things you can do. Know your rights...knowledge is power.

I hate doing this feels sneaky

You need to stop thinking like that. She is no longer on your team. Do not worry about what's "sneaky". You need to protect yourself and your children from her. Seriously.

but cannot ignore the fact she said she was getting one and the emotional abuse comment. She also stated everything’s documented and everyone knows.

Your W is a bad actor right now. You can NOT trust her at all. Do not assume she won't play dirty, and prepare and protect yourself. On a scale of WAS/WSs we see here on the board your W is a lot closer to the crazy end than the reasonable one.

[FwdMvmnt]

The rest of today has been pretty smooth. I went upto S6 school for his class Christmas party, W was there helping set up. She was in a great mood and seemed herself there. After the party I came home to finish work, she stopped by church and then came home to pick up D18 to go to store. While they were there I walked into the kitchen and she asked if she could have a hug with tears in her eyes. I just said you need a hug? She said yea and I gave her one. It was just a hug, normally I kiss her neck, cheek or head when we hug and didn’t do any of that.
When S6 came home from school I got him ready to go to the park for a bit, my W and both D walked in as we were getting ready to walk out. She said here I bought you these and handed me some protein Keto bars. I just thanked her and S6 and left to go hang out.
I took D16 to a parent softball meeting for school and W made some frozen pizza for dinner (her night). When I got home she left for her meeting and that’s where we are currently. Praying for a peaceful night tonight, and will update either later or in the morning. I also made an appointment with an L today for Monday, set up Spiritual direction for myself with a priest, and a weekly meeting with my sponsor.
Thank you all again for the support.

[Kind18]

I wouldn’t recommend you hug her.

I wouldn’t even recommend you spend any time alone with this woman.

You need to be very, VERY careful.

It’s very clear she’s setting you up for abuse/DV/restraining order.

[FwdMvmnt]

Thank you Kind,

What would be recommendation to say when she asks for a hug?

[Kind18]

My recommendation would be not to be there at all.

Running, at the gym, at the museum, at a bar with mates, in your garage building something.

[SteveLW]

Thanks BL,
I did contact some Ls today, have a consultation to cover rights next Monday. I hate doing this feels sneaky but cannot ignore the fact she said she was getting one and the emotional abuse comment. She also stated everything’s documented and everyone knows. So she’s obviously talking about this with who knows outside the relationship. I talk to this group, my sponsor and other men from my support groups, and IC only. Our families know we are in an in house separation and that she is in recovery for alcohol. I did have to talk to my parents yesterday and provide some details, due to her involving them, but did not bring up the SA issues my W has had.

One of the best things I did in my situation was consult an attorney. Knowledge is power! Just knowing what the process was in my state, and that the things my WW was telling me weren't true was a big help.

Also you aren't being sneaky. You are doing what she asked for. It is only logical that when a WAS drops the D bomb and starts throwing around the word abuse, for a LBS to do what you are doing. That she doesn't need to know is irrelevant. A rational thinking person would completely understand.

Good on you for not talking about your situations to others. I understand that sometimes it is unavoidable, like with your parents. But in general, it is a good rule of thumb to not talk to friends and family about the situation. Lots of reasons for that I won't go into here, but you have been doing well in that regard it sounds like.

[SteveLW]

My recommendation would be not to be there at all.

Running, at the gym, at the museum, at a bar with mates, in your garage building something.

Just FYI, my understanding is that FM is in recovery himself, so all good suggestions except for the bar.

[bttrfly]

One of the hardest things for us to wrap our heads around, esp in long term marriages like yours, is the fact that your w is absolutely not on your team.

let's be clear, there's team FM, team WAW, and team kids. I put them on a separate team for a reason, FM. You need to think of yourself first because you can't be there for anyone else, especially your kids, if you don't put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Second, you need to start thinking of yourself as the coach and manager of Team Kids cuz dollars to donuts your W isn't thinking beyond Team WAW. Third, she is an opposing team, period. She will think of herself, her wants and needs and literally burn it down when she doesn't get what she wants.

Be prepared for whiplash, meaning one day she's insulting you to your children, then next buying you keto bars and asking for a hug. Imagine how scrambled the inside of her brain is, because this is a mere glimpse into what's going on in there. You can - and should - feel compassion for her in her current state, but you must never forget she is not on your team. Fierce compassion means not putting up with any crap while at the same time understanding that she's a very sick person right now.

She's clearly setting you up. While it may feel disloyal to seek legal counsel to know your rights, what you are actually doing is taking care of yourself and your kids.

[DnJ]

Good Morning FM

bttrfly, is spot on. She has a lot of experience and hard-earned wisdom. And well knows how disorienting and whiplash-ridden the LBS’ journey is, until we get our bearings.

There are definitely three teams. And you have to look after yourself first, to ensure you are able to look after team kids.

Team W is currently the opposition. That doesn’t mean that it will always be that way. It also doesn’t mean you have to oppose her or fight her. Realize, you do not have to show up to every battle you are invited to.

My experience with my W, team MLCer, she burnt down her life. Not as literally as your W was doing with certain martial assets, yet she completely destroyed her married life and her life as a mother. It is difficult to understand just how scrambled and lost some folks are.

Time and space FM. Give her plenty of both. For she will take it elsewise.

Focus on you and the kids.

Be compassionate and kind.

You have the gift of time. Use it well. Become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.

D

[bttrfly]

Team W is currently the opposition. That doesn’t mean that it will always be that way. It also doesn’t mean you have to oppose her or fight her. Realize, you do not have to show up to every battle you are invited to.

^^^^^This.
tattoo that on the inside of your eyelids