Thanks 19 & Don. If she wasn’t working with the om I could better deal with our state of limbo. I know part of this process is to detach and not worry about what she’s doing at work. Easier said than. After BD she came to me and said she was ending it with him to work on our marriage. Of course that was a lie. She came home when i gave her the ultimatum and said she wanted to work on our marriage. Another lie. Hard for me to now believe they are innocently working together and not up to something. She fooled me twice cause I didn’t know better than to believe her. Won’t get fooled again. I plan on sticking it out but unsure how long. There are still positive signs as it relates to me not pursuing or having R talks. She is aware things have changed, she is much more affectionate and somewhat pursues me. I obviously don’t think things are good, only slightly better. If she would take it upon herself to leave that job I would see that as a possible turning point. Not holding my breath.
Whenever speaks and/or texts, remember to not believe a WORD she says. This is why I don't like ultimatums. Because you cannot even believe half of what she does. Moving home and SAYING she wanted to work on the marriage was to appease the ultimatum. This is why ultimatums will either backfire (and then you are left either looking really weak, or taking an action you didn't want to take) or they will appease the ultimatum with no real desire to live up to the ultimatum. (This is for other posters that may read this, by the way.)
What usually ends up happening is that they appease the ultimatum. The LBS gives up on the ultimatum because they think they already "won", when they really didn't. Over time the ultimatum crumbles and the LBS looks weak again.
The fact that she thinks that keeping a job where OM works is okay is because she is still in wayward mode. Even if she doesn't reconnect with OM, she likely will be on the prowl for OM#2. A common behavior for WWs. So yes, do not think things are good, or slightly better. It is a cheeseless tunnel to think "If I can get her away from OM, everything will be great!" OM isn't our problem. A WW is.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This is why ultimatums will either backfire (and then you are left either looking really weak, or taking an action you didn't want to take) or they will appease the ultimatum with no real desire to live up to the ultimatum. (This is for other posters that may read this, by the way.)
What usually ends up happening is that they appease the ultimatum. The LBS gives up on the ultimatum because they think they already "won", when they really didn't. Over time the ultimatum crumbles and the LBS looks weak again.
Well that is why you have to enforce the ultimatum. She comes home quits her job, gets into MC, goes NC etc. or you divorce her. Again just like boundaries ultimatums NEED consequences.
MIKEY P I am not advocating you give an ultimatum until you are ready. I was just responding to the poster on how ultimatums work and are affective.
absolutely follow through is key, but what's even more important is knowing yourself, your deal breakers. you can only find that out by doing your inner work. leave her to bake on her own.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Steve- Thanks for the perspective on the OM. I’ve definitely thought about her looking for #2. #1 still concerns me because he not only works with her, he also lives in our town now. We have to drive by his house to get in town from our house. It’s an everyday reminder.
LH-I understood what you meant. I’m not ready to end it, yet. Thus, no ultimatum. I didn’t do it right the first time. I only said nc with him. She immediately wanted to come home and “work on things”. I should have done as you said and included mc, working on marriage, and new job.
bttrfly- I’m trying, thanks. I know what my dealbreaker is. Hope it doesn’t happen.
DnJ- Thanks for the reminder. OM may be a symptom, but it’s a hard one to recover from. Also, thanks for posting the link, I couldn’t figure it out on my phone.
LH-I understood what you meant. I’m not ready to end it, yet. Thus, no ultimatum. I didn’t do it right the first time. I only said nc with him. She immediately wanted to come home and “work on things”. I should have done as you said and included mc, working on marriage, and new job.
Mikey P my situation is muck like yours accept I moved (before I found this site). I ended up going home before she was ready mainly because of the holidays. She half arsed it for a year and a half before she found om#2. I survived but when I was living it the nights were long. I thought she would magically find her way back to me. WWs are the most methodical creatures on this earth. I get why no ultimatum I really do. What I want you to work towards is understanding her behavior no matter how warranted (in her mind) is unacceptable and should never be tolerated by you in the future. People need boundaries and deal breakers and have to be willing to walk when broken. Baby steps my friend. You will get there.
Don before I answer I would like to know what you consider "better". The fact that we were all cast a side here I would argue anyone is "better."
Fair enough and I agree but based on the context you and many others put it in when saying “you’ll find someone better” to me implies better than what you thought you had and at the level you feel deserving of. Sadly what I’ve seen from many if not most is dating a bunch of people that never went anywhere to failed miserably before ending up alone. That’s just the truth if it. Seldom do I see someone divorced against their will end up super happily married and so better off there’s no comparison - leaving them so happy their wife left so they can now have such a clearly better partner. Not saying it never happens but again if the folks here are any example, the “you’re going to find someone better” platitude doesn’t often come true.
Originally Posted by LH19
Also, crazily I do not know your story. Were you cheated on?
Great timing as my story will relate to Mike’s. Yes my ex cheated with a co-worker who was also a friend of sorts of mine - much more a neighboring fire department member. He had a GF at the time ex hired him in the hospital department she managed. I should have caught on sooner. Sadly, in a way, but heathy in other ways, I’m anything but jealous. So it didn’t bother me in the least he would help her out, do things, even went on a vacation with us. It was yet another cruise. This time one I ran. So when I say “us” there were dozens in the core group and 500 total with the total group. He and his GF broke up and ex felt so sorry for him he had to go by himself. By this time I was getting suspicious. A few months later after a HS grad party we hosted for S18 I was VERY suspicious. By then it was too late. That was on Saturday/Sunday. I was bomb dropped on Monday. Even my mom said “what does Hors Hey have to do with it”? Others had noticed him constantly following her around at the party.
I successfully DBd and had moved onto piecing by about 6 months later. Yet she worked with him and was his boss daily. I again was not jealous but should have at least tried to do something, although would it have helped? I remember having to go to a meeting at the hospital and entered near the cafeteria. Who do you think I spotted in line getting lunch together? She half axed piecing for about 6 months. The first 2 she tried. The other 4 she was going through the motions.
Not long after the D was final a new higher level director fired her for having an affair/R with her employee. She was “Devastated” until quickly finding a six figure job traveling the world for a device manufacturer. About 6 months after that I got a call from a realtor asking for my ex. It was about her offer. When I said she’s not reachable at this number the realtor asked “is this Hors hey” I said it most certainly is not. At least they bought at the very top of the realty bubble of 2008. I wonder if the house is finally worth what they overpaid for it? She finally admitted it 5 months later on Thanksgiving. Even made the kids lie to me. Yep, then she sent me an email on thanksgiving. Guess she didn’t want to wait for Christmas. Still denied ANYTHING happened between them before bomb drop. Yeah, right. They are still married to this day - her third and longest marriage. She has a very strained R with her D to this day. I have a good R with stepdaughter and her family - esp. her husband. Again remember how “they” claim 99% of Rs that start as affairs never make it. Not true.
So would have things turned out different without OM/employee? Perhaps - but likely only until next OM was found. I’ve been told there have been others. I took her out of being a divorced mom of 2 young kids 6/8) living paycheck to paycheck. I was an at home parent while she worked 60 hours a week. I did a lot with and for the kids. Do I wish we would have stayed married - not at all. I’m glad I got out of that. She has not changed. Just talking to S or D or friends confirm that. Sounds like their M is rocky and was even before they married, but with a special needs adoption now 10 - the same age as oldest granddaughter - D is a much harder option. So he has her. I hope he’s miserable because of it as I’m anything but miserable. He got what he wanted.
So that’s the story LH but Mike it’s also a cautionary tale for you with your sitch.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Lh- I at am the limit for anymore OM shenanigans. If she starts up with om1 again or finds #2 I’m done. No discussion, I’m out. I let her know that when she came home. I have also set a date for this limbo bs to end. 4/2/23 will be 1 year from BD. If nothing has changed I will have to decide if I’m willing to stay the course.
Don- I appreciate your candor. To me, finding someone new has to be better than what we all are or have gone through in these situations. Maybe not better than the woman I married, but she’s long gone. Being alone sounds very appealing right now.
