Update for the day. We set up a schedule for the week on who gets what night and the day was pretty uneventful with work and up until dinner. After I ate I was heading to my meeting and told S6 if I didn’t see him before bed, That I loved him and from the other room I hear her say, you aren’t going to be home for his bedtime? I said I’m not sure, but its my night out. That we just did the schedule today. She said that she was planning on going to the 8:00 meeting and thought the night schedule was for meetings. I repeated that we just set the schedule up today and it’s my night. I then hear her throwing things of the dinner table. I wasn’t surprised by the reaction at this point but still don’t understand since her meeting is only an hour long. She would have been able to be home by 9:15 at the latest to get S6 asleep, or had my daughters D19, D16 who she was using to babysit but him in bed. She was yelling at me and I did slip and say you are gone every night, but realized quickly and just walked out the door and left. On way to the meeting my Ring starts going crazy and it’s her outside burning stuff again. Normally I would have stayed and fought or come home and try to prevent the burning. When I get these reactions, I do feel guilt. I question if I’m doing the right thing. I did text both my daughters to make sure S6 was ok, she wasn’t around him at all, which again is crazy to me.
I texted D16 after the meeting to check in and she said W was not there. So I did come home after the meeting to make sure S6 was good and had some support. I hate this [censored]. I asked D18 if her mom talked to S6 at all and she said know. Said she walked around cussing and talking [censored] about me and then started the burning stuff. I asked S6 if he was ok and he said no. I just repeated what I said last time that we love him very much and when mommy and daddy fight it doesn’t have anything to do with him. That his mommy was just angry. Then watched some of the movie we have been watching before bed hung out until he went to sleep.
W got home around 9:30, didn’t say a word and went in to bathroom for 15-20 minutes. When she came out she was in a great mood and came over and told S6 goodnight. The rest of the evening has been uneventful so far, but she is acting like nothing happened with S18 too. Something feels off, she normally would talk [censored] to me. I’ll be leaving house early tomorrow to ensure I don’t get roped into something, and reaching out to a L for some guidance. She’s mentioned Emotional Abuse.
Sorry for the long post, want to reference for my journal later.
On way to the meeting my Ring starts going crazy and it’s her outside burning stuff again. Normally I would have stayed and fought or come home and try to prevent the burning.
What do you mean "burning stuff"...literally setting things on fire? Can you be specific. Are we talking some wood in a backyard firepit or like abusively setting fire to items around the house that shouldn't be on fire? If it's the latter that's very concerning and you better talk to L, document...etc. ASAP
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
I asked S6 if he was ok and he said no.
If your W is off the deep end and not caring for your kids you're going to have to step up even that much more as dad. Yes it's more of a burden and maybe that's not fair but the kids should be the priority - it's not their fault.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
W got home around 9:30, didn’t say a word and went in to bathroom for 15-20 minutes.
Goes out, is much happier on return, and spends an extended period in the bathroom = high probability of an affair. That equals a high degree of certainty of an affair.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmnt
She’s mentioned Emotional Abuse.
I don't know you and your situation well, but it is EXTREMELY common for the WS to claim emotional abuse. They have to blame you for they're guilt.
FwdMvmnt - I'll be honest. I know this is a save marriage site and I'm totally on board with that, but your W seems extra crazy and has a lot of deep seeded issues. If what you're saying is true you need to think long and hard about whether the M is best for you and the kids. Make sure to protect yourself and your kids. Are you in IC?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
this burning stuff business is very concerning. if she's not using she's sure acting like it.
yes this is a pro-marriage site, and I am very anti-divorce but the more I read the more concerned I become about the welfare of you and your children.
lawyer up. get referrals, especially for a good father's rights lawyer. make sure it's not someone who will bleed you dry and add more drama. interview these people. keep a list of the names of the lawyers you go to, because your wife will not be able to use them if you've already had an initial consult. Make sure you let them know of the drug use history and current issues and especially about the parental alienation.
Remember, you don't have to do anything with the information you receive, but you need to know the laws in your state, and what your rights and responsibilities are as well as how to best protect your children, yourself and your assets.
I'm going to be brutally honest FM ... you need to accept that the old marriage is dead and gone. If there's any hope for the two of you it's going to come sometime down the road after she and you have both had time to work on yourselves, and the best way to do that given her current state is by doing so apart.
Remember, who are we to deprive an addict of their pain or their bottom? You also don't need to precipitate a crisis, but tell me honestly - how much more harm is being caused to your children by her being in the home just in the past few days?
she's toxic and I don't believe, from what you've laid out here, that your home is safe for your littlest one.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
FM, I'm also strongly urging you to stay in close contact with your sponsor and people in your support group who know more about your sitch than you can safely divulge here. They can advise you a whole lot better than we can.
Also, be very sure that you keep this site and and DR/DB books to yourself. This is YOUR resource. You would probably also benefit from a private session with Michele Weiner Davis. I say this because of the active addiction component in your sitch. I really do think you need professional help.
It's important to remember that she's the mother of your children, and will be in your life in a greater degree until your 6 year old is an adult. She will also be the other grandparent in the fullness of time. Whenever possible, take the high road. Think about how you want your kids to look back at this time when they're adults. What do you want them to say about you and your actions?
Again, focus on your core values and what you want. Don't say your family. That's not what I mean. I'm talking about something different. What's most important to you? Peace? Love? Fellowship? Partnership? Really take the time to figure that out. It will become your North Star.
Good luck.
Last edited by bttrfly; 12/13/2211:52 AM.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I also want to point out, as others have, that at some point almost all WWs claim emotional abuse. I am on record multiple as saying that the word "abuse" is thrown around in our society way too much. The sad part is that it waters down ACTUAL abuse.
My guess is that you were emotionally damaging at parts, but in marriage that is usually a two-way street. Most spouses give that kind of thing as much as they get. I am sure you can look back and see places where you could have behaved better, and certainly where she has.
I believe that WASs in general throw out the word abuse (whether emotional, psychological, verbal and physical) for two main reasons: First, to make the LBS feel guilty. This is especially true when the LBS starts to become emotionally detached. That loss of control over the LBS makes WASs sometimes panic, and things like "emotional abuse" get thrown out. I mentioned mbr in your last thread, I will have to try to find his threads because he went through that.
Second, is the classic justification for what they are doing. It eases their own guilt to say "LBS was abusive!". Right now she is grasping at straws to ease her own conscience, and to have others sympathize with her.
FM, the good news is that it doesn't change anything you should be doing. Keep DBing and the focus on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the responses, this morning already starting out with conflict. I’ll start with some of the questions on here.
She is burning household items in the fire pit in the back yard. I’m not sure what all she has burned although I do know she burned the wind chimes I gifted her, so I imagine is stuff that is has to do with our marriage.
I understand that there is most likely an affair either physical or emotionally which is the difference in her moods when she returns.
I am totally working my program.
The end of the last night consisted of me watching shows with D18 who not sure if I mentioned is in town from college for the holidays. During this my W came in from outside with her phone music blaring while we were watching with out saying a word. I asked her if she had headphones, she said they didn’t know where they were at. She kept playing it, so I asked if she could turn it down. She then said I’m almost done. I paused the show and D18 and I sat there. After a few minutes I just asked D18 if wanted to watch in the other room, she said it’s ok, so I went outside for a few minutes. My W eventually went outside and the went to bed. I Didn’t speak anymore to her the rest of the night.
Back to this morning. She came in to the bedroom to see if we were awake, I was in the bathroom getting ready for work and let her know we would be out soon. I locked the door, while I was getting dressed, which I have never done. She came back again and asked why the door was locked. I said I was getting dressed. She made a comment about that’s new, not sure why you are doing that. About 10 min later I made S6 breakfast he has been sick the last couple days and is refusing to go to school at this time. So trying to work through that and He followed me in the bedroom while I was getting his cloths. She comes into the room and told him she was going to take a shower and then she’d drive him to school. The weird part was that she was smoking a cigarette when she came in. I asked her if she could take it outside and she said no, I’m going to take a shower. I asked her if she could take the shower upstairs. She immediately told me that there is no boundaries around showering and that I am abusing her again. I simply stated that she wants a separation and that this is my space. I did record this conversation. Going to make that a habit, I looked on line and it seems my state is a one party consent state. I made a call to a couple l just to be safe that I can hopefully talk to at some point today. She ended up grabbing her shower items and went upstairs. Before that she came back into the living room and told me she was going to let the Safe House know how I am emotional abusing her and that she is hiring a lawyer and filing for divorce. I said do what you have to, and that there isn’t any emotional abuse. This on record too. That brings me to present moment. I will post throughout the day with updates.
Continue to remain calm and kind. And yes, well done with how you are conducting yourself. On my fifth day of posting I was very much a mess, very attached, and emotionally dragged around.
Has the airplane tickets situation just gone away? W was pretty irate. Did you reinstate W’s cards?
Did S6 ask about the separate family Christmases? About you not being there? How well did he accept things?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
