What to do 3

[BL42]

MikeP,

Unfortunately after W called me on her lunch break I’ve fallen into the same old trap of thinking about her and him working together. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be ok with it.

I think there is zero chance she finds a new job if I push it. She knows how much it bothers me yet wouldn’t look for a new job when I asked. Maybe I’m wrong, but if she is unsure about our future I don’t think an ultimatum will work in my favor.

Mike your instincts on ultimatums are correct. They rarely work out the way you would want them too. Mainly because they are an attempt at controlling things you have no control over.

I agree that for your M to work long term W needs to stop working with OM. I also suspect you and SteveLW are right that an ultimatum right now may likely not go your way. Steve's right about control. You can't control her and make her do something. She needs to WANT to do it.

One way or another I’ve got to go for a run after I drop D off at b-ball practice. Running seems to be the one thing that consistently shuts down the bs in my head 🤞🏻

Exercise is a fantastic way of dealing with it. Not only is it a distraction, but it's good for your health, your appearance, your confidence...etc. Keep it up.

I will say it’s getting harder to tolerate, I might be getting close to pushing the issue.

Sometimes I think I can deal with it as long as necessary. Other days I want to throw in the towel.

Keep in mind emotions are fleeting. It's natural to go back and forth. The key is not to react based on those emotions.

[LH19]

Why do you have to tolerate it Mikey P?

Good question. I suppose I have to tolerate it if I don’t want things to end now. I think there is zero chance she finds a new job if I push it. She knows how much it bothers me yet wouldn’t look for a new job when I asked. Maybe I’m wrong, but if she is unsure about our future I don’t think an ultimatum will work in my favor. I will say it’s getting harder to tolerate, I might be getting close to pushing the issue. Good to hear from you by the way.

Mikey P I am one of the few people here who is a fan of ultimatums. Why? Because people respond to them. My son while using my car was late to responding to my texts. Son if you don’t respond to my text you will not use my car. Guess who started responding to my texts? The reason why was because he knows I will follow through. That’s when ultimatums and boundaries work when the other person knows you mean it.

Right now if you say it’s either the job or me she will likely pick the job. The reason why is because she doesn’t think she will ever have those tingly feelings for you again. So you can play the long game and work on self improvement, GAL and eventually she will either commit back or D you in which you will most likely eventually find someone better. Or you can decide this doesn’t work for you and LOVINGLY let her know this situation no longer works for you and you are out and act accordingly.

Either way you have to live with yourself. You want to be able to tell your kids you did everything in your power to keep your family together.

So my entire last post was basically that you never should tolerate something that goes against your beliefs and values.

[DnJ]

Please start a new thread.

[DonH]

Mikey P I am one of the few people here who is a fan of ultimatums. Why? Because people respond to them. My son while using my car was late to responding to my texts. Son if you don’t respond to my text you will not use my car. Guess who started responding to my texts? The reason why was because he knows I will follow through. That’s when ultimatums and boundaries work when the other person knows you mean it.

I very much agree. It also falls under “you teach people how to treat you”. I keep hearing and reading about “boundaries”. They mean nothing unless there are “consequences” for crossing them. The problem is, this often only works with sane, sensible, normal people - something most WAW/WW are not. With others, people will continue to get away with what they are allowed to get away with. When they learn they cannot get away with it, they stop.

So you can play the long game and work on self improvement, GAL and eventually she will either commit back or D you in which you will most likely eventually find someone better.

Likely eventually find someone better? Based on what has happened to all of us here? That’s the thing, I’ve heard and read since my own BD coming up in 20 years ago now. I’ve yet to find that better person - at least for the long term. The better people I do find are often still married and never D’d. I see the same here and elsewhere. Sure some do, but many if not most do not. In fact MWD talks about this in her books. Yet many of the WAW are still with the “better” person they found after us. Ginger, Andrew, KML, myself and others are RL examples. We’ve not found better yet our exs are still with the same person. Doesn’t mean they are happy but it does very much refute the “you’ll find someone better” platitude. You may, many to most do not. That’s just the truth if it.

[MikeP]

Thanks 19 & Don. If she wasn’t working with the om I could better deal with our state of limbo. I know part of this process is to detach and not worry about what she’s doing at work. Easier said than. After BD she came to me and said she was ending it with him to work on our marriage. Of course that was a lie. She came home when i gave her the ultimatum and said she wanted to work on our marriage. Another lie. Hard for me to now believe they are innocently working together and not up to something. She fooled me twice cause I didn’t know better than to believe her. Won’t get fooled again. I plan on sticking it out but unsure how long. There are still positive signs as it relates to me not pursuing or having R talks. She is aware things have changed, she is much more affectionate and somewhat pursues me. I obviously don’t think things are good, only slightly better. If she would take it upon herself to leave that job I would see that as a possible turning point. Not holding my breath.

[LH19]

Likely eventually find someone better? Based on what has happened to all of us here?

Don before I answer I would like to know what you consider "better". The fact that we were all cast a side here I would argue anyone is "better."

Also, crazily I do not know your story. Were you cheated on?

[DnJ]

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