SteveLW, wow, thanks so much for thinking about my sitch. Lots of stuff for me to reflect on.
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since it seems maybe you haven't been clear to this point
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marching what I think I really see at the root of this is that you are trying to nice him back to the marriage.
You have picked up on my problem, something I want to improve on moving forward (a 180!). I think I have been too passive. I never explicitly said that I didn't want this D because I was scared of making H angrier and pushing him away. I didn't explicitly state that I wanted to work on the marriage because I thought that would be pursuing. I've just been buying time.
I worry that I have really messed things up by not being assertive earlier, when I was in Country B. I especially wish I had put my foot down when he said I wasn't allowed in the apartment. Really, really kicking myself for that. At the time, he was so adamant, I actually thought it was kind of justified. I blamed myself. I didn't defend myself.
We've had fewer than 10 interactions in the 3.5 months since BD (and that's counting very brief business text exchanges). It's been a weird situation because we were apart even before BD; he dropped the bomb right before we were going to live together again.
Now I am not in Country B anymore and who knows when I'll ever see H again.
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Being crystal clear on what you want, what you will do and what you will not do is not passive-aggressive in my book.
