BL42, bttrfly, SteveLW—thanks so much for your feedback.
A D doesn't make a huge difference for me financially.
I definitely don't want to do anything that pushes a D forward. Maybe I am being thick, but I am not sure how I can avoid moving the D along without being passive aggressive or manipulative—and pushing H further away in the process.
H has asked me about starting the paperwork twice and backed off both times after I explained that I have more immediate things to sort out. The most recent time, he said that he would wait for me to reach out first and would not ask me about it again. (But who knows, maybe he will start pressuring me. Again.)
That's why I feel like he's given me the reins on this D. If I simply *never* follow up about starting the legal process, then I come off as standing in his way. Hence my admittedly manipulative fantasy of hiring a mediator who is secretly a MC. SteveLW, I take your point about not using other DBer's experiences as a map for my own. No expectations, no expectations...
I am mentally kicking myself for sort of agreeing to the divorce two months ago—during a text conversation, he was worried that I said that I wouldn't give him the divorce, and I said "That's not what I'm saying, I saying I need more time to process everything." So, I didn't explicitly disagree, but I didn't definitively agree, either. [For context: H referred to the ending of our marriage as a "break up." I said a divorce is a whole different order of magnitude than a break up. And then H freaked out.]
SOrry, just noticed this response. So my question is what is more important to you? Not being the one to drive the divorce forward? Or not coming across as manipulative or passive-aggressive?
It sounds to me at its core you are trying to walk a very fine line: not look like you are stalling the D, but at the same time stalling the D by not stalling the D. It is very confusing.
Being crystal clear on what you want, what you will do and what you will not do is not passive-aggressive in my book. It isn't even close to being manipulative. Trying to steer things to a mediator IS manipulative. So if you are really concerned about not being manipulative then certainly don't do that.
I assume at some point you've made it clear to him that you do not want the D? Most of us had that moment (maybe a few times) where we said something to the effect of "I do not want a D. However, I will not stand in your way if you decide that is what you want." It sounds like he is trying to accomplish a couple of things. First he's trying to get you to agree to the D so that it eases his own guilt. Second he is trying to get you to agree to lead the D so again it eases his own guilt. ANd third, he really wants to get a D so anything that isn't that is going to end up with getting a D he will resist.
I really don't think it is fair for him to expect you to start the legal process, and asking you to start the paperwork, for a D you do not want! So if/when it comes back up I have no problem with you stating, since it seems maybe you haven't been clear to this point, "I do not want a D. However, I will not stand in your way if you decide that is what you want." That means HE takes the reins of the D. HE starts the paperwork. He does all of the legwork necessary to get a D. You do not actively try to prevent the D, but you don't actually lift a finger to move it forward.
See the difference? marching what I think I really see at the root of this is that you are trying to nice him back to the marriage. You cannot nice him back. Many LBSs have tried that approach and it never ends the way they hoped it would. Make him D you, don't D yourself for him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
