W’s comment about how does she know if she crosses any boundaries if you do not tell her what they are, does have some validity. A little bit. Like maybe 10%. Her statement is mostly her just deflecting accountability, rather than actually wanting to know.
Boundaries are for you. They are a mechanism for extracting one from an unhealthy or toxic situation. Boundaries define the action you will take when W behaves in a certain manner.
Boundaries are clearly laid out. With a clearly defined proceeding event or behaviour, and a rock-solid enforcement which is your action.
Boundaries need not be stated to the W, or whomever the boundary is for, the clearly defined is really for you. You have clearly spelt it out. This defining happens when you are calm, and not embroiled within the unhealthy situation. In this manner, boundaries are logical, reasoned, pre-defined, planned actions you take when certain behaviour occurs.
However, stating your boundary is often a good idea. Be ready, it will be tested. Most people who partake in emotional attacks, especially an angry errant spouse, will smash against your boundary. Like a teenager, they smash against your resolve. Testing for cracks and weakness. And like a teenager, they rebel, as they learn just where you stand.
An aside, having been a teenager myself , and having had four teenagers, they need to test. They need to know and believe in your strength. That you have a spine and will do what you say. Not fold like a house of cards. To know, to believe, that you can be counted on.
Realize boundaries are not for behaviour modification. The focus is about you extracting yourself from unhealthy situations, not stopping the unhealthy situation. That being said, most people will and do positively respond to boundaries, self-modifying their behaviour. Most folks do not wish to punch the wall over and over and over. They actually just don’t understand how their behaviour is seen. And by far, folks do not want to be the villain.
Reciprocity is at play as well. Responding, not reacting. Positively responding to a situation influences change within the other person. Kindness begets kindness. Fighting begets fighting. Like for like. Lead by example.
People will treat you as you let them. And further, people will treat you as you show them.
A boundary is about what you can control and what you cannot. At its heart, most boundaries are about disrespect. Disrespectful behaviour.
Respect is needed for trust, loyalty, love, character, etc. Disrespect tears that down.
An example of a boundary:
W, calling me names is disrespectful. When you start disrespectful name calling, I will cease our conversation and leave the room.
Originally Posted by FwdMvmt
Think the credit card lock was wrong move, but didn’t have much time to think.
The word “but” is often used to justify an action. It’s not that you didn’t have much time to think. It’s that you didn’t take the time to think. You reacted.
Doing nothing is doing something.
Consider this. W could have just bought the tickets without even talking to you. So the “actual” purchase of the tickets is not likely the issue. So what is it that bothered you? Figure that out.
And I mean within you. Something inside you caused you to react. Discover what that is. And why it is. Then you can alter it to better serve you. You only control you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
, and having had four teenagers, they need to test. They need to know and believe in your strength. That you have a spine and will do what you say. Not fold like a house of cards. To know, to believe, that you can be counted on.
