SteveLW, how do you suggest they attempt boundary setting without a third party to referee ??
Boundaries are the most misunderstood concept on the board, in my opinion. Boundaries aren't about the behavior of the walkaway, it is to guide the LBS's actions in relation.
Any boundary that tries to affect the behavior of the WAS is pressure and pursuit in the name of trying to control what you cannot control.
Let's take FM's situation. Maybe his boundary is that he won't tolerate her continued use of drugs. Any boundary that starts with "I told her......" is wrong. Which is why a 3rd party is not necessary for boundary setting.
The general format for a boundary is:
"If she does X, I will do Y." You don't have to state it. You don't have to tell her anything. You take action.
"If I find out she is using again, I will go file for divorce, hire a lawyer, and push for full custody of my kids."
No need to state. Just do. And in fact we had a great example of this on this board (I believe his screen name was mbr, I wish he still posted!)
Boundaries are confusing until you understand them.....
To me...
Boundaries are to protect yourself, not to punish....
Boundaries are not to induce a reaction, they are there regardless the reaction.
Boundaries are quietly enforced, rather than violently enforced...
Yet enforcing the boundary is the most essential part of them. And IF you are not ready to enforce it, and don't enforce it, then it is the same ol, same ol behavior from the LBS.
Too many people throw out a boundary and aren't ready to live with enforcing them....
And as Puppy says....that is the most important part of them...
EXAMPLE ONLY....
Quote
I will no longer allow myself to live in an open marriage. IF that is your choice moving forward, then I will take action for myself and our children
But man....you better be ready to live it....
A WAS will view it as an ultimatum, and those rarely work well....
