She's in a relapse, plain and simple. Saturday night AA meetings are date night meetings ... you know the routine - go to a meeting, hang out after for coffee, sometimes hookups happen.
If she's not yet using substances, there's a better than good chance that she's on her way.
I'm glad you're in Alanon and working the steps - I assume with a sponsor. Keep working your program for both AA and Alanon. Plan your day around a meeting, or something recovery-centered.
You know what is said in the halls: who are we to deny an addict their bottom? She has to hit a bottom plain and simple for any change to occur and only HP knows what that looks like.
You have children who need you. I understand completely your statement about the Catholic significance of marriage. It's a sacrament for a reason. You want your family and marriage intact, but better than it is now. I'm not saying you're looking for an out, divorce or annulment, but as a Catholic I found this particular bit of information enlightening. Perhaps you will as well: "Any Catholic granted an annulment can be remarried in the church—and any Catholic who does not receive one cannot. Diocesan tribunals, therefore, focus not on the health or longevity of a marriage itself, but on the circumstances surrounding the beginning of a marriage: Was it a “shotgun wedding” because of an unexpected pregnancy? Was the marriage coerced by physical or verbal violence? Did one partner hide an ongoing addiction from the spouse? Did both parties actually understand what was meant by the sacrament itself—the promise to remain sexually faithful, not to abandon one’s spouse, to be open to children without strings attached? Any and all can be evidence of “the absence or defect of consent,” in church parlance. "
That's a lot to take in. But I want you to really try to keep an open mind when you read that over again. Your old marriage is dead. You're going for one that's new, better, and stronger. One that can pass the acid test laid out above.
The question is how do you get there from here.
LET HER HIT HER BOTTOM. No one on earth knows what that is or what it looks like, but if she never hits it, she'll never get well.
Take the time to figure out what your core values are. You're on step 6 ... so you're well aware of what you've done and your patterns of behavior have emerged in Steps 4 & 5. Step 7 is about willingness and trust in the relationship you started in steps 2 & 3 with your HP. Figure out the 3-5 core values that are yours. What's most important to you? Values like loyalty, honesty, compassion, service ... what values do you embody or want to embody in your life moving forward? This is a crucial and fundamental step, imho, to moving forward with authenticity. Once you know what your core values are, it's much easier to know where to draw the boundary line and hold firm, because you know with certainty what does and doesn't jibe with your core values.
Once you know what they are, do not be afraid to stand up for your core values or your children's well-being. I well understand the fear of living with someone in crisis. You're afraid to do anything to upset the apple-cart but that in and of itself causes more problems. Don't cushion her fall.
Find out your options legally. Find out your financial obligations, rights and responsibilities in case you need to act at some point. Knowledge helps you sleep better at night and keeps you out of the land of what if.
Most of all, don't confuse being a jerk with standing up for yourself. You can set a strong limit and still do so with dignity and respect for both yourself and the years you spent together. She will always be the mother of your children. Behave in a way that your children will be proud of 10, 15, 20, 30 years from now.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
