I definitely don't want to do anything that pushes a D forward. Maybe I am being thick, but I am not sure how I can avoid moving the D along without being passive aggressive or manipulative—and pushing H further away in the process.
How to avoid: You don’t want a divorce - so don’t do anything towards that. Let H do all the heavy lifting.
No passive aggressive, no manipulation. You don’t bring it up. When H brings it up - “I do not wish to proceed with a divorce at this time”. That’s it. No further discussion.
Use the 24-48 hour rule. That also keeps communication to the written form. Another good thing for detaching and making decisions utilizing logic and reason, instead of reacting out of emotions and fear.
Originally Posted by marching
That's why I feel like he's given me the reins on this D. If I simply *never* follow up about starting the legal process, then I come off as standing in his way.
Not true. You are simple not pursuing it. H is free to do as he wishes. You are not blocking his actions.
Something interesting in these situations, our spouse knows us best (next to ourselves of course). And we know them best. Well “known”, after they burn their lives down. Anyhow, H knows you, and is using your emotions against you. I suspect he realizes you will feel guilty and feel like you are blocking this. Don’t fall for it. He is trying to get you to be the bad guy. Let him own his divorce.
Originally Posted by marching
Hence my admittedly manipulative fantasy of hiring a mediator who is secretly a MC.
A word on manipulation. Or trying to steer and head your spouse in a certain direction.
No one can see all ends. The best intentions might end in disaster. You just don’t know. And you do not want the responsibility of H’s future on your soul. Give him to God. Do not try to control his outcome.
One of my many reasons I have peace and a rather speedy situation. I did not manipulate W’s path. I did not want that on my head. Imagine having to live knowing I messed up trying to coerce her into something.
Don’t place boulders in his path. Do not demonize him. Be better, not bitter. And let him walk his path. No secret MC mediator. Have faith and let fate do its thing.
Originally Posted by marching
I am mentally kicking myself for sort of agreeing to the divorce two months ago—during a text conversation, he was worried that I said that I wouldn't give him the divorce, and I said "That's not what I'm saying, I saying I need more time to process everything." So, I didn't explicitly disagree, but I didn't definitively agree, either.
Don’t read too much into that. You didn’t specifically say either way.
If/when it comes to a head, tell him directly then. “I don’t want a divorce. And you are free to do what you will.”
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
