That gear-grinding sound you've been hearing is me, doing a lot of thinking lately. There've been more than a few posts on these boards about how to stand, when to stand, when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. I'm going to offer mine here.
First and foremost I ask those reading this post: what brought you here? Did you come to find out how to leave your marriage or did you come to find out how to save it?
If you came to find out how to leave, I'd say you're in the wrong place. Read the rest of Michele's site. Right on the homepage, smack dab in the middle: SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE NOW and these words, "Are you having marriage problems? If so, you've come to the right place. We believe in saving marriages from divorce and are convinced that most marriage problems are solvable...even if your husband or wife doesn't agree!"
Still not convinced of the mission of this site? From Michele's bio (again, on the home page): "Because Michele Weiner-Davis believes that divorce is not the answer, she developed an innovative method for working with couples experiencing difficult marital problems. Her approach was so successful that she knew she had to share her knowledge with the millions of couples struggling in their marriages. In 1992, she wrote, Divorce Busting which quickly became a best-seller. “The rest,” they say, “is history”."
This place is about saving marriages. In the event your marriage can't be saved, if you follow DB principles you will at least emerge from the wreckage a better version of yourself.
Secondly, there are as many opinions here as there are posters and those reading along anonymously. How are you to determine "good" advice from "bad"?? To that I say, it's just like real life - consider the source.
While everyone's situation is unique to them, there are, i believe, certain things to look for when reading the many opinions offered up. The three which were - and continue to be - the most important to me:
1. how long did that person actually practice DB principles with their spouse? was it days/weeks/months/years?
Personally, I've preferred to heed comments and advice of people who spent years standing to those who spent less than 6 months standing. Why the prejudice? Because even if their marriages ended in D, those long-time standing posters learned something during their years of DBing that only time can give. Saving a marriage isn't a quick fix. It cannot be done in two, four, six months. It took years to get to the breaking point; it'll take more than a minute to get to a place of healing. The level of change required to save a marriage takes time. A lot of time. It's not a sprint, by any means. If someone has tried DB on for size for more than an hour, you already know this is not for the faint of heart. You, your marriage, and your partner are all in a crucible, burning away that which no longer serves. It remains to be seen if you can come out of the fire together or apart.
so: Consider the source when reading and heeding advice, both here and in other areas of your life. Specific to here: Know the stories of those whose advice you're taking. Did they follow a path you want to follow as well? Do they speak with the authority of vast experience? Are they currently a better version of the person who first got here? And, most importantly to me: How long did they actually practice DBing, since I came here to LEARN DBing?
Maybe that's not important to you. If not, skip to the next point:
2. Where are they now? What do you mean, B? That can be answered in a few ways but these are the answers I seek when deciding whose advice to heed:
*** Were they able to save their marriage? (this was way more important to me as a newbie than it is now)
*** Are they a better version of the person they brought here? (ah, this is the Holy Grail of questions)
*** If their marriage ended in D, are they currently thriving in their lives?
*** Are they at peace?
*** Are they open to a new relationship? If not, why not?
3. Are they posting advice from a place of hurt or from a place of healing? What the F does that mean, B? my answer: keep reading. You'll know the difference when you see it.
The longer I live and observe the world around me and the people in it, the more I believe that most of what we see in human behavior is a grief response. I used to think that all responses came from love or fear. No. Love and fear are both responses to grief, in the context to which I'm referring. It's what we do with our grief that forms our response.
Grief can cause someone to respond in ways which are self-protective, defensive, abrasive, obnoxious, hurtful, angry, mean, bullying, authoritative. Grief can also cause someone to respond in ways which are open, questioning, loving, kind, compassionate - sometimes fiercely so, gentle, healing.
YOU get to decide how you want to proceed, both when you get here, and in your personal response to grief. On the same day, in almost the same minute, the negative and positive responses to grief can co-exist. Like that saying about the light and dark inner wolf - you get to decide which one to feed, and whose advice to heed as you're feeding that inner wolf.
Choose wisely.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
