Living With WAW 4

[BL42]

DW17,

I’ve had a few things happen that I normally would have sought advice, but I’m learning how to handle these situations based on the advice I’ve already received which is nice. I feel like I get caught off guard less often.

Well done. Knowledge = power!

I told her I had invited my family and W blew up. She was mad at me for not thinking about her feelings about being around my family, she said it gives her anxiety, they haven’t been a big part of D4’s life so I shouldn’t have invited them, my selfishness confirms that she made the right decision to D, I haven’t learned anything, this was supposed to be a kid only party, etc. I just listened and kept my mouth shut.

Good job listening and keeping your mouth shut. I don't know your family dynamics, but unless they're abusive or something you have every right to invite your family to your daughter's birthday party.

In terms of the "confirms that she made the right decision to D" remember...no matter what you do WAS/WSs will say that. You get her an anniversary gift and she told you she needs space and you're not listening to her therefore she should D you; you don't get her a gift and it shows you really don't care and she should D you. She is going to use ANYTHING as evidence to validate her decision. You can not win, so don't stress on it.

The next day W said she did not sleep that night due to anxiety and said she had a panic attack thinking about it.

You did not break her, and it's not your job to fix her. Nor can you. She's choosing her path - let her deal with it.

There is also the possibility that she is lying or exaggerating her feelings, but I don’t think that was the case.

I doubt she was exaggerating and lying about her feelings - most likely they were real - doesn't mean they were based on logic and reason. So don't beat yourself up over it.

I think I’ll just say something along the lines of “It’s too late to address your concerns about my family for this birthday party, but I know these discussions are important and should happen prior to any future events where you may be around my family.”

Not bad. Refresh yourself on validation and use it - don't argue to reason about it - just listen and validate.

DW17 sounds like you're doing a good job of controlling your emotions and listening without reacting. Keep it up. Just know your W is feeling guilty and angry over what she's doing and likely projecting that onto you. Deflect it and let it roll off your back and keep smiling and living your best life.