It’s a good idea to implement a 24-48 hour rule. Give yourself 24-48 hour before responding to H. That way you will respond instead of react. This buffer will also allow time to clarify your logical reasoned position and consult others if need be. Remember his wants and wishes are not an emergency on your part.
Next. Realize you are on two paths. Divorce - the proceeding, the negotiating, etc. - treat it as a business deal gone sideways. It’s business. Keep emotions out of it.
I know you don’t want a divorce. Yet, stonewalling one’s spouse is usually not a great idea. Currently, H seems eager to proceed. Therefore, he may offer a better settlement than if forced to wait. The flip side, more time yields possible change of heart with H.
My opinion, is any dragging things out will not be beneficial. H is in a crisis and highly unlikely to awaken any time soon. He seems calm and wanting to proceed. Delay will likely bring ire from H and a lot of irrational behaviour along with much less favourable settlement. I’d see what he is offering. Don’t push for a divorce, yet do not block it either. (You don’t have to sign or anything. Just seeing where he is.)
Maybe a text like:
Hi H.
My living situation is still not sorted out, and I haven’t been able to really look into things. However, I am willing to listen. What are you proposing for a settlement?
M
See what he comes back with. You’ve spoken to a lawyer. You know what your entitled to. If he is offering better, probably should seriously consider it. Always run everything by a lawyer before agreeing or signing anything.
Also make a few lists. One of things you must have. One of things you really don’t need. And one of things that are negotiable.
The first list are those hills you’d die on. The second are things you’d not even fight about. The third list and second list are items that you can use during negotiations to get what is on your list #1.
Partners that are leaving, especially a MLCer, have different items on their lists than the LBS. For example: They’ll give up kids for cash. Or give up spousal support for lump sum cash or speedy divorce. It really is amazing what is suddenly most important to these folks.
A tip for negotiating with a MLCer. Come at things sideways. Their usual default is to go against whatever you propose. Even if it is in their favour, they will go against it because the LBS suggested it. Remember, the MLCer is blaming the LBS. That irrational position and belief taints their entire world view.
If they feel like they came up with the idea, they will usually run with it. So it best to have them blurt out their wants and massage things from there. They usually are quite gleeful when getting their way, and feeling they are winning and in control. And like a kid, they just can’t keep a secret. My XW would call me after meeting with her lawyer and tell me her strategy. Tell me about her arguing with her own lawyer. Tell me about her having OM present at these meetings too.
I drank plenty of the STFU smoothie and let her chatter away. This loquaciousness of her’s did not last very long. However while it did, she was pleased as punch to be lording her new wonderful life over me and offering me advice on how to be a better partner. No where close to as good as her, but I could maybe get to average. She’d tell me I’d never have a great relationship like her’s, but she’d be willing to tell me all my faults. And she’d tell me what she wanted.
I kept mostly quiet, didn’t explode, and in the end - XW got what she asked for. A quick settlement where she grabbed quick cash and tossed everything else away.
It’s just a business deal gone sideways. Treat it as such.
The emotional healing path is where you invest yourself.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
