Stuck in limbo IV

[DnJ]

Hello Doug

I had the same idea as you. Your W is more a milder MLCer, and does not quite fit the done and gone WAW. The latter especially leads credence to she is in emotional turmoil and searching for something. I think you’ve seen and even heard that from her.

So, some people on the site advocate that the approach is the same whether MLC or wayward spouse. (Sandi, of course, is the patron saint for cracking down on the wayward and making them respect you.) Some also favor the alpha male tactic to "win back" respect. I can tell you that my wife would not respond to that. If anything, it would be a turnoff. Some of her venting involved telling me that I came off as arrogant to her at times in the relationship. I guess I'm saying that it is fruitful to know that MLC can't be arrested and I don't need to contort myself into a pretzel attempting to pitch a perfect game with strategy.

I’m not a huge proponent to either of those strategies in particular. No one way is going to work for all situations. I’d even go so far as, no one way will work for even just one situation.

My idea is to be true to yourself. Of course, one has to discover themselves first. Discover their beliefs and values. We all have accumulated a lifetime of beliefs and prejudges and such. It’s kind of amazing when one really looks in the mirror.

Strengthen your beliefs that serve. Craft convictions you aspire to. And discard or alter that which does not serve.

Once you respect yourself, that man in the mirror, things fall into place.

The alpha male winning respect, tough love, may work. They may not. Each MLCer, each WAS, each person is different and responds differently. To me those kind of come across as manipulative and not true to oneself. Hey, that’s just me.

You know your situation best. You know W best. And you think she would respond poorly. You are then likely correct. Besides, if she did respond favourable to something you are not, how do you maintain such an “act”.

Focus on you. The only person in this whole equation you can control and directly affect. There is no need to pretzel yourself and find the winning strategy. I’ll tell you it plainly. The winning strategy is you. Be the best version of you.

Aspire to Doug54 version 2.0. Fix whatever you find within yourself that needs tweaking. Stand for your convictions. I guarantee you will be ok, and it gives you the best chance at your marriage. You will be ok. The marriage is a bonus.

That’s the focus. And in that shift, one becomes intriguing. One becomes attractive. One becomes desirable. Look, something attracted the two of you to each other. Perhaps that old love gets rediscovered once she gets herself sorted out. With MLC that could be awhile. Don’t pine and wait. Live your life. That doesn’t mean you got to date or move on or anything like that. Moving forward is what I’m a proponent of.

Doug, I’m six years post bomb drop. And I’m standing. Standing for me! Not XW. Not my gone marriage. Me! My values and beliefs and convictions.

I have peace and contentment. Four wonderful loving kids. Loving supportive parents. And strong friendships. When you live the life you’re meant to, you will know it. Life provides plenty of feedback.

You know, I think I read the Crucible in high school. Gosh, that’s a while ago.

This all sounds easy enough....minus the multiple years for MLC to play out part.

You ain’t playing a role in that train wreck. Step aside and let her do what she feels she needs to.

As for the “maybe” multiple years. The future is unwritten and unknown. Let it unfold on its own.

Time is a gift. Invest it well. Looking back at this over half decade - the MLC part was a blip. So many other things happened - vacations, learning to drive, boyfriends, girlfriends, first kiss, first break up, graduations, kids moving out, going to university and college, wedding, and of course retirement.

Have faith, slogging through the first bit of one’s journey is the hard part.

That's where my idea of the drop-dead date comes in, as suggested by some posters on this board. I'm sure I could cement a drop-dead date in my head today, write it down, etc. Whether I'd firmly stick to it upon its arrival...I dunno. It wouldn't be binding. But to formulate a date, I'd be saying "this is how much time I'm giving for this unfulfilling, hollow, and unfaithful marriage to turn around or I'm making a move."

Hope.

Where there is love, there is hope.

Hope is desire.

Expectations are desires with timelines or deadlines attached. And a deadline does just that, makes it dead. Nothing kills hope quicker than a deadline.

Unmet expectations build resentment. Keep expectations dialled to zero. Keep hope alive.

Hope is timeless. Hope is an incredible wellspring of strength and fortitude.

I’d not set a date. Base your decisions upon other than a square box on a calendar. Find out how much you can carry. How much you can let go. And just how strong your convictions truly are. I bet you’ll be amazed at what you’re capable of.

D