Hi Doug54, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I am a newbie and while my situation is quite different from yours, I thought I'd share something I've read that might be relevant to your question re: how long to stand.
I've found Andrew G. Marshall's books really insightful. One of them is on MLC. In it, he says it's easy to miss the forest for the trees when caught up in day-to-day of MLC uncertainty. Like everyone else, he says MLC takes a lot of time. So, he asks spouses to think about the bigger picture: what is 3-4 years of slog in the context of a lifetime? if it could result in, say, 30 or 40 more happy years together? And, of course, if the couple has children, they will still be in each other's lives for many more years even if they get divorced, so time spent improving the relationship, regardless of the likelihood of reconciliation, is never wasted.
Obviously, it's up to each individual to decide how much time they want to give it. I myself am not sure I have 3-4 years in me for my own MLC spouse. But I found the reminder to think about the bigger picture helpful.
Hey marching. Thanks for taking the time to weigh in, especially as a newcomer yourself. I appreciate the recommendation of Andrew Marshall. Would you say his book on MLC is worthwhile for the left behind spouse as well? The brief synopsis I found online seemed to indicate the book was geared toward the MLCer, almost like a how-to manual for getting through it.
I don't know how much of my situation you've read, but my wife will finish a degree program in June that will enable her to make a good deal more money than she currently is. In theory, we would have a realistic option for splitting up then. Whether or not that will come to pass, who knows.
If I had 100 percent certainty that my wife wasn't doing anything unfaithful, I think I could do multiple years of standing. However, I don't like having an ambiguous trust situation with my spouse, along with the concept of cake-eating. Right now, my wife seems to be, at a minimum, continuing to be involved with some guy on her phone. I don't know the full scope and duration, but she's had a passcode on it for quite some time. That's where my idea of the drop-dead date comes in, as suggested by some posters on this board. I'm sure I could cement a drop-dead date in my head today, write it down, etc. Whether I'd firmly stick to it upon its arrival...I dunno. It wouldn't be binding. But to formulate a date, I'd be saying "this is how much time I'm giving for this unfulfilling, hollow, and unfaithful marriage to turn around or I'm making a move."
