Brave Little Gerda Passes Through the Door

[Gerda]

I was thinking about posting a really short update. It seems so daunting.

My new judge continued to be horrific. H filed another "emergency" contempt motion to get emergency alimony and for me to pay his legal bills. I was supposed to be paying advances on his equity, way back when, when I signed an agreement that was supposed to last 6 months. It has been three years and Covid shut everything down here for a year, so obviously I could not pay the full amount for a while and I finally stopped paying anything a year or so ago as it was clear he was never going to follow through on the rest of the agreement -- allowing me to refinance, do a buy out and be done with everything. Our new judge for whatever reason never read my papers and again found me in contempt and said I had to pay his legal bill! It was such a dark day. My L said that she was in open violation of the law, that she clearly hadn't read our papers, etc. He thought she was trying to bully me into a settlement but there is already a settlement that H won't enact. He was going to appeal but then we got a trial date with a different judge, so he thought we should just make up the loss at trial. This will be my third judge. L said he knows this judge and that he is a fair, smart and reasonable man. Both of my other judges were women, and I am all for women power, but I believe that these two women are trying so hard to show they are not biased toward women that they never really did their job. I had finally started to make headway with Judge 1 when they moved us to Judge 2, but I think she thought she would finally force us into something, I am not sure what. She refused to give me interim child support, refused to make H file accurate tax returns or provide financial info, it was truly weird. But her making me pay for his lawyer was really traumatic for me. It started me on a path though, to realize that my response to everything has been trauma-based. So I have been researching trauma and it is quite eye-opening.

In fact, it did make me think of the many times my dear friend DnJ and I disagreed about detachment and such things. I realized that we were actually talking different languages without realizing it. I was not capable of the responses people talk about here. My body is in a state of panic and terror most of the time, and it's old, it's from childhood. The years with H just reinforced it all, and this four year divorce nightmare was like a revisit to the torture chamber.

I am trying to work on it but I have a feeling that it will be hard to make any headway until the trial is over and I don't have to prepare myself for that attack anymore.

So I'm still the sole provider of the kids, working lots of jobs and trying to start my new life more devoted to art and the house flipping thing. I am actually doing both of those things, not as much as I want or with enough budget/time, but bits and pieces as I try to get loose from H's clutches. I have a lot of moments of joy in between and feel confident about my vision for myself but I am definitely held back by the trauma, by my body keeping the score. So that's what I am working on now.

H is, BTW, on Soulmate Three. He even got her to "save" him by becoming a partner at his restaurant. So she is doing exactly what I did, ensuring he gets his dream because she feels so bad for him being so wronged by others. In my case, I was fixing the wrongs of his parents. I guess she is fixing the wrongs committed by his evil STBXW, Brave Little Gerda. He doesn't even have an apartment anymore, just lives with Soulmate 3 and tells my kids that "Mama is keeping me homeless" though I am only waiting on him to accept the buyout we agreed on and that the court has ordered three times. My son is working there and my D going there, and both constantly saying bad things about him and yet being pulled over there. It's also like Disneyworld in a way, compared to my house. But I notice that they always feel safe here, always want to return, and always trust me to take care of them, none of which are the case with H. It's not that I want them to hate him, not at all, but I do want them to see clearly so that they can protect themselves.

Leaving a lot out but that's all for now. Love to all my friends here and hope you are all well. Job, loved your post. DnJ, congrats on the promotion! Even in retirement, you are getting promoted here on the boards. I owe you updates on the cottage rehab -- like my divorce, it's never ending but almost there.