Marching in limbo with MLC H

[BL42]

marching,

I am really torn. I have a good support network here in Country A. Keeping a PMA and GALing would be easier if I stayed. But it feels like I would really be shutting the door on my marriage if I don’t go back to Country B.

Do NOT move to Country B. Period.

Stay in Country A where you'd prefer to be if H wasn't in the picture and with have the support network and GAL activities.

Your H is likely in an affair in Country B and you moving there and pressuring him is only going to disrupt your life and not end well for your R.

So maybe it's a good thing that we have so much distance between us? This way, he has allllllll the space he needs to sort out his issues.

^YES! You got it.

H knows how to find you if he really wants to. He's going on a journey you want now part of, and more importantly you can't control or fix. Let him figure him out. You go have a live life to its fullest.

You've almost certainly not heard the last from him. It might not be next month, it might be in a year or two years, but...make him wonder why he's not hearing from you. Make him wonder why you're having such a great life without him and why he's an idiot for throwing you away. And, most importantly, make him wonder if he even has a chance to get you back.

I’m in my early 30s, H is in his late 30s. We’ve been together for over 10 years, married for 7. No kids.

I have to be practical and say that without kids and at your age you less attachment and a freedom few on this board have. Take advantage of that. Live where you want to live, go out and do whatever makes you happy. Don't get caught up in tying your happiness to H's MLC and/or affair drama.

Two weeks ago, while I was on my business trip, H asked if we could start the divorce paperwork, and which country I wanted to do it in. I told him I need more time to think, because I haven’t even decided where I will move next.

If he's asking about D paperwork it's serious. What are the finanical implications? E.g., Who makes more money, did you have pre-marital assets...etc. Make sure you understand if filing in one country is more favorable to you than another.

Also, you don't need to give him reasons anymore. He's firing you as his W. Just say "I'll need to think about it". Nothing about the why of being shocked or upset or anything.

It’s been 3 months since BD. I am a lot calmer now than I was in those early days.

Good. The initial phase is tough. Your emotions are running high and days seem like months. It's amazing how a little time makes a big difference.

I am not prepared to make any big decisions about moving or legal stuff.

No rush. Take your time and make logical decisions, not emotional ones.

Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on work and take care of myself. GAL activities: exercise, talking to friends, reading the forums, reading novels. I’ve been working on myself in IC, too.

Awesome! Keep up all of that, especially the exercise & GAL.

I have not initiated any contact with H and blocked him on social media. I’ve also refrained from asking mutual friends in Country B about him.

Good. Well done.

The basic principle of dealing with a spouse’s MLC is letting go. H is angry. He is projecting on to you, and blaming you for his pain. Realize he cannot handle his emotions right now. He cannot handle being at fault. So, with such torment, he looks around and sees you. Poof, you must be the cause he figures, in his addled mind.

Give lots of time and space. Let him burn through his anger. At some point, hopefully, he realizes “hey, marching hasn’t been around for a while AND I’m still unhappy. Hmmm. Perhaps, she wasn’t to blame after all.” Then, with some good fortune, he would look inward and work on his issues.

His path is on his time line, and you weren’t invited along on this journey with him. You’ve got your own journey to traverse now. The future is unknown and unwritten, perhaps your paths converge and merge again.

Lots of great advice by DnJ. I'd especially read this particular snippet a few times.