Marching in limbo with MLC H

[DnJ]

Good Morning m

H certainly has had a dose of life events recently. A birthday and feeling old. A big promotion and after the rush of accomplishment the harsh realization of no more goals. (Of course, there is always more to strive for. H is just not seeing that.) The loss of encouraging feedback, a real thing as one moves upwards on the business and corporate ladders. And yes, feeling stagnant with things. Tie in a visit to a somewhat estranged family or perhaps just more strained relationship. Lots of pressures inside him.

MLCers do not have well established coping skills. Their repertoire of strategies for managing and reducing unpleasant emotions is quite limited. Stunted back when they were small. Usually some traumatic event from a childhood authority figure, and having no voice and/or being shut down when trying to speak up, lead to burying things. And things buried alive will come back to haunt.

It’s really sad when young children get damaged and then push that down into themselves. Their egocentric view of the world where everything is for them, and things that go wrong are their fault.

It is interesting that H admits he knows he is having reckless ideas. Thinking of quitting his job and buying a farm. Yep, he is searching for something to ease the unhappiness.

They will drop clues. However, those snippets are a tangled disjointed web. Especially to the LBS working to see what is going on. Like I said, we all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go. Perfectly normal. Just don’t follow the rabbit hole too deeply. Most LBS are thrust into analytical mode during BD and that needs to be assuaged.

Interesting that you say your ex also said similar things, DnJ. It makes me feel less alone and crazy to hear that.

You’re not crazy. Nor alone.

Though it sure feels that way for a while. Doesn’t it?

My W confided in me days after BD, that for months she cried all the time while the kids were at school and I was at work. She felt so empty. So lost. She thought she was going crazy.

Then her grand epiphany - a crazy person wouldn’t think that! And with that, she burnt down her life and started anew. She threw me away. Tossed aside our four kids like they were used clothes getting dumped at the donation box. And ran off with the guy that delivered eggs to the house. Our neighbour from a mile south.

All this happened in the span of three hours during thanksgivings dinner. She stood up made her grand announcement of “You, DnJ, get the house, the yard, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them, then I guess I’ll have to take them.” Right there in front of my parents and our kids and boy’s GF. I had seven witnesses to this unfathomable event.

Of course, that’s our perspective. She languished in her torment for months and months. Silently. Having no words or understanding of what and why is going on in her mind. They really cannot speak about it for they have no vocabulary to express the dark emptiness.

I hope to be his lighthouse, but how do I do this when there is such limited contact? During our business communications (only ever through text), I am polite and efficient. Is there a way I can show him that the door is open without pursuing? I suppose he knows that I don't want a D...

You be a lighthouse, by being the lighthouse. A lighthouse doesn’t pursue, doesn’t run about looking for a ship and sailors to save. It stands. It is a stanchion. Stands strong against the storm, shinning brightly.

You do not become his lighthouse. You really become your own. You stand for you and your values.

You can attempt to show him the door is open. Attempt to show all manner of things. He will only see (or admit to) what he wishes to see, for now. Besides, they do keep an eye on us.

I recently spoke with my XW at our son’s wedding. Her and I hadn’t spoken in over two years. She blurted out a litany of boy scout type qualities and morals about me. Spoke highly of me, saying the kids get their greatness from me. My intelligence, compassion, ethics, morals, etc. I was shocked and tongue tied not knowing how to respond. I just thanked her for her kind words.

She knew of my pending retirement. They do keep tabs on us and their old life.

Days later I did send a text to her, letting her know she did an awesome job raised the kids and I never demonized her.

Our path is - at first - very counterintuitive. It will feel incorrect. Goes against one’s programmed ideas.

Remain kind and cordial in your communications. He knows you do not want a divorce. No need to tell him again.

Have you seen a lawyer? As mentioned, just for gathering information. Knowing your rights and responsibilities.

Did you get all your stuff back? All the items you shipped over to the new place.

Do you have joint accounts? Joint credit cards? Marital assets? Investment funds, etc?

There is a business side of your path, along with the healing side.

MLCers are notorious for running behaviours. Partaking in behaviours and vices in a futile attempt to find that lost youth they feel they were cheated out of.

Wild spending is a rather common one. Plenty of stories of joint accounts being bled dry and investments burnt up, all while the LBS was unaware. Get a handle on “all” your finances if you have’t already done so. And be prepared to move your “half” of joint assets if things start to go south. Also remember, you are liable for joint credit cards and loans. Oh, some of these MLCers rack up wild bills and expect us to pay.

Drinking, drugs, illicit and/or illegal activities. Anything to find the next rush. Anything to feel something. Anything to push away their emptiness.

Affairs are also commonplace. MLCers are consumed by depression. Desperate. It’s not so much they are seeking happiness as much as trying to end their unhappiness. They are so misguided trying to fill that void within by external means. They do equate sex with happy. And that rush wears off quickly too.

These lost souls feel pleasure, excitement, risk, thrills, and such will bring them their peace. It just keeps digging the hole they’re in.

They run so they do not face themselves. Yet, for all their running, there they are. Laying in bed, in the dark still of night, their demons will play. One cannot outrun themselves.

D