Marching in limbo with MLC H

[DnJ]

Hello marching

Your H certainly has displayed a significant shift. Very MLC-like indeed. Late thirties is not unheard of for someone to unwittingly dredge up some unknown and unrealized past trauma(s).

There is usually a triggering event within 12-18 of bomb drop. A death of family parent or child or grandparent, a wedding, getting fired, etc. The trigger is major and significant to the person experiencing it, and as individual as they are.

One obvious change in his life is you two finally moving in together. He went from giddy and looking forward to it, to the opposite in record time. Of course, he may have been trying to put on a brave face for the last while, and everything just unravelled with two weeks to go.

He has an upcoming birthday in a few weeks. The pressures of mortality stir up plenty from one’s depths. As said, usually later in their fifties or so. Still, we don’t know what is going on in his mind, or how bad it is. Although, from what you’ve shared, he sounds pretty lost.

I’m glad you found this place soon after BD. And that you have been reading up on MLC. Something I’m sure you’ve read, yet should be reiterated, his MLC is not your fault. The seeds for a crisis were sown long ago, back in childhood.

…H says the nuttiest things. He says he’s happy. He’s happy with his job now. He used to have a lot of anxiety (I suspect OCD) around driving, now he has no problem. He’s also a more mature person, because he now buys his own clothes and cleans the apartment (as if he wasn’t already doing these things???). He can also have an apple for dinner and no one can judge him. He doesn’t have to ask for permission to go to the bar with friends.

I’m sure that sounds rather strange to you. I heard similar stuff from my W when she dropped the bomb. MLC drags folks back to their trauma, back to when they were emotionally stunted. And they need to grow ip from there/then. It’s pretty strange to see and hear, for the uninitiated; with most peripheral folks (including friends and family that don’t witness it) finding MLC to be quite unbelievable. MLC is so far from the Hollywood version. MLC is horrible!

He can have an apple for dinner, and no one can judge him. MLCers drop lots of clues. Not getting judged for an apple probably sounds rather bizarre, and I get it - it kind of is. However, that amd the other said things, are a glimpse of his psyche and inner turmoil.

It’s been 3 months since BD. I am a lot calmer now than I was in those early days. I am not prepared to make any big decisions about moving or legal stuff. Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on work and take care of myself. GAL activities: exercise, talking to friends, reading the forums, reading novels. I’ve been working on myself in IC, too. I have not initiated any contact with H and blocked him on social media. I’ve also refrained from asking mutual friends in Country B about him. I’m in limbo. And I’m deciding to not make any decisions for the time being.

You are doing some very good stuff. Well done!

Keep at it. Focus on you. Give H time and space. Lots of both!

I am aware that affairs are common during MLC. I try not to torture myself with speculation, but I have braced myself for the possibility.

Yep, staggeringly common. And affairs mean nothing! The other person is a symptom, a band-aid to a broken person. The affair partner is likely broken too.

I am really torn. I have a good support network here in Country A. Keeping a PMA and GALing would be easier if I stayed. But it feels like I would really be shutting the door on my marriage if I don’t go back to Country B.

Some other possible hard to hear advice. Stay in country A. PMA and GALing is easier. Good support network. Etc. Ask yourself, if you weren’t married, had no H, would you move to Country B or stay in Country A?

As you said, it feels like you’d be shutting the door on your marriage. Feelings are fleeting. You’re not shutting the door, H shut his door. You can stand for your marriage in Country A.

Make major life decisions using logic and reason, keep emotion out of it. Feelings change, and decisions based upon feelings will have their “reasons” changed. Emotional decisions often lead to regrets.

Do talk to a lawyer. Gather information. You do not need to act upon it. However, knowledge is power. Find out your rights. Which country you should divorce in, if it came to it. And so on.

Ask any questions you like. You are among folks who understand. There are many kind and compassionate people with much hard-earned wisdom on these boards.

We all need a certain amount of understand before we can move forward, detach, and let go.

I look forward to talking to you again.

Walk with grace.

D