Hello. I’ve been lurking for a couple of months. I found this place a few weeks after bomb drop. After a lot of reading about MLC here and elsewhere, I think it fits with what my husband is going through. That and the fact that, just a day before BD, he himself said that he was going through MLC.
I’m in my early 30s, H is in his late 30s. We’ve been together for over 10 years, married for 7. No kids. For the past few years, we have been long distance for work reasons, with me in Country A and H in Country B. My husband and I have very demanding careers, and our careers heavily affect our relationship. Our work involves a lot of uncertainty and international moves, especially in the early stages. I will follow up with more background in another post.
Summer 2022 We reunite after almost a year of long distance (partly COVID-induced). We have a great time (he actually said so too during BD) traveling and visiting his family (not in either Country A or B). We are both excited about the future. We talk about the new apartment he got us for the next chapter of our life together—I am moving to Country B in the fall! I’ve already shipped my stuff there.
Fall 2022 After our trip, H goes back work, and I return to Country A to wrap up some work stuff, visit my family, and apply for a visa for Country B. Just a few more weeks of long distance left before our new chapter begins. H overnights documents to me for my visa application; he wants me to be able to travel as soon as possible. He sounds extremely excited about me finally joining him. In fact, for a couple weeks, he seems in an unusually good mood, even talking in a sing-song voice. We tell each other ILY everyday (which is normal for us). We talk about having kids soon.
Then, literally overnight, his mood crashes. Complete 180. The tone of his voice is completely different. He says he doesn’t feel like he has a purpose. He feels unmotivated at work.
Over the course of the following days, he basically has a meltdown. It’s too late for him to have children, he says. He no longer has tender feelings for me. He says we haven’t really talked over the past year. He resents me. He has issues with our sex life. He hasn’t been productive for a month and it’s my fault. He thinks he wants to be alone and be responsible only for himself. We talk. No, he says, actually, he’s just blaming me. He’s sorry he said all those things. He loves me. He thinks he’s going through a midlife crisis. Maybe he’s feeling bad because his birthday is coming up soon. I try to validate (definitely could have done better though). I thank him for sharing his feelings and ask what we can do to communicate better and address our intimacy problems. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it. I say, maybe it will be easier once we are together. It’s just two more weeks before my move.
The next day, he asks me for a divorce. Over TEXT. He says he’s made up his mind, and it will seem sudden. He’s telling me over text so he can remain calm. He’s available over the phone to discuss practicalities. That’s it.
When I call him, he sounds so ANGRY. He’s adamant that there is nothing I can say to change his mind. I say I would like to have conversation in person, when I arrive in Country B. He says fine, but when I come, I cannot stay with him in the apartment. I am heartbroken. To me, this is tantamount to him kicking me out of my own home.
So I have to make last-minute plans for accommodations, which is expensive. At this point, travelers still have to quarantine, and rooms in quarantine hotels are scarce. H doesn’t offer any help. Even when I tell him that hotels are tight, and can I please stay with him if I can’t find anything, he only says “I’ll look into it.” Which is ridiculous because the plan just a few days ago was for him to stay with a friend while I quarantine in the apartment.
I make it to Country B. I quarantine in my expensive hotel. I move to an expensive AirBnB. H and I have very limited contact. Immediately after bomb drop, I sent one pursuing text message. Since then, I have been pretty much radio silent.
We meet in person once at a coffeeshop to have a conversation and H says the nuttiest things. He says he’s happy. He’s happy with his job now. He used to have a lot of anxiety (I suspect OCD) around driving, now he has no problem. He’s also a more mature person, because he now buys his own clothes and cleans the apartment (as if he wasn’t already doing these things???). He can also have an apple for dinner and no one can judge him. He doesn’t have to ask for permission to go to the bar with friends.
Our previous BD follow-up phone conversation (while I was in Country A) was very short (literally 10 minutes), so during this in-person meeting, I ask him to explain how he came to his decision. I don’t think I embodied all the ideals of DB during this conversation, but I am proud of myself for having remained calm. H, meanwhile, started to cry. He left the conversation and said we could continue it later, when we’re not in a public place.
The next week, I ask (over text) if we can meet again to continue the conversation. He says no, because our meeting made him feel bad for several days. He says maybe we can talk in 6 months or a year. He reiterates that he needs to be alone to be happy. It’s very difficult not having me in his life, but the marriage has become a burden. It will take time, but things will get better (I couldn’t tell if he was trying to comfort me or himself.)
Since then, we’ve only been in contact for business matters. He delivered stuff to me from the apartment twice. I still haven’t been to “his” apartment.
Now After being in Country B for two months, I returned to Country A for a business trip. My family is here, so I decided to stay at least through the holidays. I am not sure what I will do after that.
Two weeks ago, while I was on my business trip, H asked if we could start the divorce paperwork, and which country I wanted to do it in. I told him I need more time to think, because I haven’t even decided where I will move next. I was very annoyed that he asked me such a huge question when he KNEW that I was on a business trip.
I am really torn. I have a good support network here in Country A. Keeping a PMA and GALing would be easier if I stayed. But it feels like I would really be shutting the door on my marriage if I don’t go back to Country B.
Wrapping up It’s been 3 months since BD. I am a lot calmer now than I was in those early days. I am not prepared to make any big decisions about moving or legal stuff. Right now, I’m just trying to catch up on work and take care of myself. GAL activities: exercise, talking to friends, reading the forums, reading novels. I’ve been working on myself in IC, too. I have not initiated any contact with H and blocked him on social media. I’ve also refrained from asking mutual friends in Country B about him. I’m in limbo. And I’m deciding to not make any decisions for the time being.
