Steve, the weekly dinners was something we agreed on when she came back home under the premise that she wanted to work on things. I see what you are saying and they will probably end because d’s high school bball season started this week. We won’t have much free time for a few months. I also understand the crying issue but it just hit me. One second I was fine, then I wasn’t. In the first 33 years we were together I don’t think I ever cried in front of her. Trust me, I’m well aware that she’s probably still wanting to be with him. That’s why I have such a hard time with them working together. He probably sees her more than I do. I honestly don’t know that I will ever be ok with it. At some point it will have to be addressed. Accepting her seeing him every day and also the fact that I haven’t beat his azz yet makes me feel like a beta more than anything. She probably sees him more now than when the A was going on. If it’s actually not still going on.
Mike, the mistake I see most LBSs make is interacting too much with their WAS. I made the same mistake early on in my own situation. Then I hit on the power of "absence makes the heart grow fonder". As a WAS sees their LBS moving on with their life, going out and have a good time with other people (not member's of the opposite sex!), and generally enjoying life without them, sometimes the WAS is suddenly WANTING their spouse back. IT is a strange phenomenon where human-beings want what they think they cannot have. I think that is the reason affairs are so prevalent. At first it is "I am attracted to that person but I am taken and so are they so it can't happen". And that sense of wanting what you can't have means that they want it even more. Eventually want outweighs can't and the affair is consummated. Many times affairs only last a few times because once the person gets what they couldn't have, they don't want it anymore.
So you can use that to your advantage. Become scarce and suddenly the switch might flip in her that she is losing you and doesn't want that. Using that scares most LBSs though because they think that means it makes it easier for the WAS to walk away because the LBS has moved forward, become scarce, isn't available. That fear is rooted in what come intuitively. Remember, DBing is counter intuitive. Your instincts of what you should do i n these situations are usually wrong. That is why most LBSs come here already having done all the wrong things: begging, pleading, crying, making impossible promises, clinginess, constantly wanting to discuss the situation, becoming stepford husband or wife, etc.
What little detaching and GALing I've managed to do has had some effect already. The problem is we spend so much time with d13's sports activities together, we don't have much spare time. That's a convenient excuse, but I am trying to do things on my own when I can. This kid of ours is always on the go. Her choice, trust me I would love to get my summer weekends back instead of being at softball tourneys every week. One day it will be over though and then I will miss it dearly. Bball for middle school and high, softball-travel and high school, track- middle and high school. She loves it and I never miss anything. I"ve never missed a single game or track meet, going on 8 years now. Point being, we are together a lot. Part of our marital problem was/is that all our focus is on the kids. Even with our sports schedule, W always felt we needed to focus doing things with the kids. We put more effort into our kids' lives than our own. She never could grasp that it's ok to have us time. That is something that will have to change if me ever start marriage #2.
so, as the parent of a student athlete at the time of BD I couldn't stand being there with my h so we would switch off games. Really hard. Or we would sit on opposite sides of the venue. this may or may not work for you.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
