What to do 3

[Ready2Change]

Keep at it man, we do not have to follow the models we were given.

Benjamin Button : For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

[MikeP]

One of the things I learned is to be present (full attention) and then be absent.

I like this a lot R2C. I'll keep this in mind in my own situation.

Something I didn't think to mention about myself is I have a tendency to be negative and judgmental. My mom was and is the most judgmental/negative person I've ever known.

I'm in the same boat with you. I know my negativity was a huge cause of my W slowly moving away from me over the years and it was a learned behavior from my mom. There was a point where I broke down and became angry with my mom for several days, blaming her for my failed marriage. The things I learned from her led to the mistakes I've made with my wife and kids, so I rationalized that she was the true cause of my problems. I've since learned that my unhappiness was what led to my negativity and judgmental attitude, not my mom. And the advice I've been getting here has helped me understand that I am in control of my own happiness. Focusing on myself, especially GAL, has helped tremendously with that. It has had a positive impact on my relationships with nearly everyone around me....except for my W (so far!) Keep at it man, we do not have to follow the models we were given. I'll keep following your threads. Best of luck!

Thanks, I’ve been following your thread and good luck to you as well. I didn’t blame my mom for my marriage problems, but unfortunately my mom’s behavior caused me to distance myself from her her. Her and a couple of my siblings are also perpetual victims so I’ve been fairly detached from all if them, wish I could do a better job if it now with my W. I never want to act like they do so I tend to not want help with problems and I own up to my mistakes mostly. Coming on this forum and going to counseling was so unlike me, very uncomfortable. Glad I did though, this site has been more helpful than I could have imagined.

[Ready2Change]

Coming on this forum and going to counseling was so unlike me, very uncomfortable. Glad I did though, this site has been more helpful than I could have imagined.

I found this site back in 2008. Definitely a life changing event. One other thing I found very helpful was identifying one or two IRL close male friends that I could discuss marriage/personal issues with.

If you stay focused on your changes, your R with your spouse is forced to change because you are interacting with her different.

[bttrfly]

Steve, the weekly dinners was something we agreed on when she came back home under the premise that she wanted to work on things. I see what you are saying and they will probably end because d’s high school bball season started this week. We won’t have much free time for a few months. I also understand the crying issue but it just hit me. One second I was fine, then I wasn’t. In the first 33 years we were together I don’t think I ever cried in front of her. Trust me, I’m well aware that she’s probably still wanting to be with him. That’s why I have such a hard time with them working together. He probably sees her more than I do. I honestly don’t know that I will ever be ok with it. At some point it will have to be addressed. Accepting her seeing him every day and also the fact that I haven’t beat his azz yet makes me feel like a beta more than anything. She probably sees him more now than when the A was going on. If it’s actually not still going on.

Mike, the mistake I see most LBSs make is interacting too much with their WAS. I made the same mistake early on in my own situation. Then I hit on the power of "absence makes the heart grow fonder". As a WAS sees their LBS moving on with their life, going out and have a good time with other people (not member's of the opposite sex!), and generally enjoying life without them, sometimes the WAS is suddenly WANTING their spouse back. IT is a strange phenomenon where human-beings want what they think they cannot have. I think that is the reason affairs are so prevalent. At first it is "I am attracted to that person but I am taken and so are they so it can't happen". And that sense of wanting what you can't have means that they want it even more. Eventually want outweighs can't and the affair is consummated. Many times affairs only last a few times because once the person gets what they couldn't have, they don't want it anymore.

So you can use that to your advantage. Become scarce and suddenly the switch might flip in her that she is losing you and doesn't want that. Using that scares most LBSs though because they think that means it makes it easier for the WAS to walk away because the LBS has moved forward, become scarce, isn't available. That fear is rooted in what come intuitively. Remember, DBing is counter intuitive. Your instincts of what you should do i n these situations are usually wrong. That is why most LBSs come here already having done all the wrong things: begging, pleading, crying, making impossible promises, clinginess, constantly wanting to discuss the situation, becoming stepford husband or wife, etc.

What little detaching and GALing I've managed to do has had some effect already. The problem is we spend so much time with d13's sports activities together, we don't have much spare time. That's a convenient excuse, but I am trying to do things on my own when I can. This kid of ours is always on the go. Her choice, trust me I would love to get my summer weekends back instead of being at softball tourneys every week. One day it will be over though and then I will miss it dearly. Bball for middle school and high, softball-travel and high school, track- middle and high school. She loves it and I never miss anything. I"ve never missed a single game or track meet, going on 8 years now. Point being, we are together a lot. Part of our marital problem was/is that all our focus is on the kids. Even with our sports schedule, W always felt we needed to focus doing things with the kids. We put more effort into our kids' lives than our own. She never could grasp that it's ok to have us time. That is something that will have to change if me ever start marriage #2.

so, as the parent of a student athlete at the time of BD I couldn't stand being there with my h so we would switch off games. Really hard. Or we would sit on opposite sides of the venue. this may or may not work for you.

[Ready2Change]

so, as the parent of a student athlete at the time of BD I couldn't stand being there with my h so we would switch off games. Really hard. Or we would sit on opposite sides of the venue. this may or may not work for you.

My X was the coach...I would play with my other two children (their decision). Great memories.

[MikeP]

The thing is we get along great. If you didn’t know better you would think everything thing is good. Of course it’s that way because I am trying my best to forgive her for the affair. She is not sure what she wants in terms of us, but outwardly appears happy. This is what makes it so hard for me. She isn’t angry, treats me good, etc. So going to ball games together isn’t a problem. Her actions make it hard to not feel like things are going well, her words say otherwise.

[MikeP]

I wish I could meet some of you in person. It would be so nice to just sit and talk rather than type.

[BL42]

MikeP,

so, as the parent of a student athlete at the time of BD I couldn't stand being there with my h so we would switch off games. Really hard. Or we would sit on opposite sides of the venue. this may or may not work for you.

I started coaching my son's sports teams. I'm on the third year now of soccer and baseball. Mostly I did it to stay engaged as much as possible with my son's life, but a side benefit is I'm never on the sidelines next to ExW & ExMIL and that drama...I'm on the other side of the field engrossed in coaching. I do feel a little bad about my parents being there having to deal with it, especially my mom I know it's tough on here. However, it's also been a blast working with my son and his buddies and many say "Hey Coach BL42!" even outside sports like school pickup.

The thing is we get along great. If you didn’t know better you would think everything thing is good. Of course it’s that way because I am trying my best to forgive her for the affair. She is not sure what she wants in terms of us, but outwardly appears happy. This is what makes it so hard for me. She isn’t angry, treats me good, etc. So going to ball games together isn’t a problem. Her actions make it hard to not feel like things are going well, her words say otherwise.

This is definitely a weird phenomenon. The outward superficial façade of everything looks great to others in public, but the underlying unsettledness of the situation in real life at home. Makes you wonder what other couples you see out there that look like the happy family and couple who are going through something similar...

I wish I could meet some of you in person. It would be so nice to just sit and talk rather than type.

There a DB coaches that offer sessions so you can talk things out. Also, have you looked into divorce support groups in person? They can be helpful. Though for your sitch with W back in the house and saying she wants to work on things that's potentially premature.

MikeP - Have you read Reeling - Is it a MLC or?? She just came back after a few months with a WH/WAH who was giving indications of working on things. It is NOT the same as yours - so I don't want to discourage you on your sitch which I think is in better shape than many posters' here - just thought there are some similarities you may can something out of her thread.

[MikeP]

I have coached a few seasons of basketball and probably 4 years of softball. I stopped coaching softball after this past summer travel season ended. I just wasn’t feeling it anymore and enjoyed watching from the stands this fall. I do miss it though. Going through this has really opened my eyes to what others could be going through. A guy that works for me got divorced a few years ago and while I felt bad for him, I didn’t grasp what he was really going through. I meant that I would like to meet some of the folks on here just to socialize, such a great group of people.

[JosephS]

Hey Mike,
I’ve been following along silently like I do for most. I just wanted to tell you, you’re going to be ok.

There is the other side for this situation. We just don’t know what it looks like yet, either way, you’re going to be ok.

I just wanted to throw some encouragement towards you, because going through this is like walking up to a rollercoaster you’ve never been on or seen blindfolded and merrily sent on your way.

However, you can find peace in the storm. Is there anything you use to do? Ride a bike, target shooting, motorcycle, skiing, snow mobiles?

What helped me was realizing I was on my own for the first time in like ever. I could paint the walls whatever color I wanted. I could turn my basement into an arcade. I could blast music, make food I wanted.…honestly I got so excited about the arcade that become a must have regardless of the outcome! I also got my motorcycle which became and remains my therapy when I stopped IC.

I do hope in a year or two we’ll see you in the piecing forum if not sooner. I do, but I also just wanted to remind you, even in the lowest of times, and trust me, I’ve been there, you will be ok.