What to do 3

[SteveLW]

Mike, the problem in my mind is not that you cried in front of her (general guidance here is to not be emotional in front of her), but that you are still doing these weekly dinners. I would highly consider ending those.

"I've decided that for the time being it is better if we stop the weekly dinners. I will be using the time to work on myself and come to terms with everything that is going on."

Maybe even more succinct than that.

#1 mistake we see LBSs make in these situations is spending too much time with the WAS and by extension, saying too much. Words are your enemy right now. They cannot get you anywhere and will only set you back further.

The Jimmy V speech is extremely emotional. There were songs that would trigger my emotions in my situation. When I would hear a song that would trigger me I'd make an excuse to get up and be somewhere else. Or turn the station. Or whatever I had to. Beta behavior, whether modern humans like it or not, is not attractive to most women. At a base level that they nor we can even explain. I can guarantee you that OM wasn't weepy around her. I do not say ANY of this to hurt you, shame you, reprimand you, or any such thing. But simply to make you aware. As R2C says, do what is attractive, avoid what is unattractive.

Another reason I am not trying to beat you up over it is because it is done. Water under the bridge. But you certainly want to avoid another scenario like it.

And very good on not attaching any significance to her apology. As awful as WWs can be, they are still humans and are not out to purposely hurt anyone. So likely seeing you emotional triggered that guilt in her. One thing that I learned was that my WAW had spent months...even a couple of years, getting to the point where she was willing to actually hurt me to get what she wanted. The only reason she didn't in the months and prior to BD was to avoid hurting me. That is some pretty heavy perspective. Likely your wife had held back in doing what she has been doing in an effort to NOT hurt you too, but eventually her need to do it outweighed not wanting to hurt you. But that doesn't mean she enjoys the pain she is causing.

And, as hard as it is to hear, likely a lot of her grief is still over losing OM. It is a reality we LBS eventually have to face. I saw my WW in agony over OM ending their EA. I first took it as a good sign until I finally recognized it for what it was.

Another thing I should point out, likely when she agrees to going to dinner with you, she is wishing it were with OM. In snooping on my WW in our first situation (back in 2005) I found an email where she confessed this to some of her friends in an email. She said she had been enjoying the fun things we were doing as a couple, but that she so wished it was with the EAP. Reading that tore my heart from my chest. But it is perspective that LBSs need to hear because there is likely some of that going on in their own situations.

Onward and upward, Mike!