Steve, thanks for the advice. That sounds like a great game plan for my situation.
I've been documenting things each day in a journal. The 2 lawyers I spoke with said it wouldn't have much bearing, but it does help me sort my thoughts, see progress, and see faults/mistakes. I feel that it's beneficial so I will continue to do this.
Originally Posted by DW17
It was nice spending Thanksgiving with my family, as I usually spend it with the in-laws.
Originally Posted by BL42
Hmmm...why do you usually spend it with the in-laws and not your family? Is there not an even split rotation?
We used to split between our families earlier on in our relationship. My family is pretty small and the people who used to host things have been gone during the holidays most years. Most Thanksgivings for the past 10 years have been at the in-laws, except for one that we hosted 2 years ago. I had also slowly drifted away from my family and friends for the past 10+ years, which was part of me losing my identity and likely helped lead to the situation I'm in. I've probably seen my family and friends more in the past 4 months than I had in the past 4 years.
Originally Posted by BL42
I think most here would say don't engage with the in-laws. If it's just logistics maybe, but might there have been a deeper motivation behind you reaching out? I suspect it's likely there was.
I had been meaning to speak with her for several months to just thank her for being an awesome grandmother to my kids, especially D4 and D6 since my family did not seem to accept them in the same ways. I went to a celebration of life in August for a coworker who passed away at 41. The big theme of everyone speaking was regret for not being able to tell that person the impact she had on their lives and how much they appreciate it. I am bad about letting people know how I feel about them and letting them know they are appreciated. I kept thinking about my MIL and how I couldn't remember ever truly showing her my gratitude, other than saying thank you. My mom has not been a very good grandmother for a ton of reasons, which has been a source of frustration for me and W over the years, so MIL stepping up has meant a lot to me. This is some of what I finally got around to telling her this year. Each Thanksgiving with them we go around and each person says something they are thankful for. It felt appropriate to me since I wasn't there to let her know that I was thankful for her and why. I think part of my emotion coming out after was that it kind of felt like I was saying goodbye to her. It wasn't intentional but that's how it felt. It's easy for people to say "you can call or stop by whenever, I'm always available if you need anything, etc", but I understand that is probably not realistic after D. Long way to answer your question, but I agree there was probably a deeper motivation. But it also felt wrong not to at least speak to her on the holiday I've spent with her for majority of the past 22 years.
Kind18 - I looked up the grey rock method and I love that. I think I've been doing a pretty good job of that with W. I can tell when she's trying to cause tension and I've been able to avoid it most of the time just by recognizing when she's doing it or anticipating when she will. We haven't had many arguments and the times W has gotten mad recently, like when she was upset that I called her mom, I've mostly just kept my mouth shut and found a way to end the discussion quickly. Thanks for adding another tool to my toolbox.
