Living With WAW 4

[BL42]

DW17,

IHS is incredibly difficult. Especially when they're having an active affair and making overtures of leaving.

LH & R2C are right on the "no thank you moment". Be strong and decisive about not wanting to be friends.

I agree w/SteveLW you're doing fairly well overall considering. He gives great advice above on the approach w/caring for the kids. Remember to document!!! 50/50 with mom/dad is best for the kids IF both parties are caring parents, but if W is too depressed to handle the job maybe you want to document for a potential custody hearing, if needed.

Thanksgiving morning I ran my 10k

Keep up the exercise! I did a 5k and lifted on Thanksgiving Day when I didn't have the kids...helped me feel a lot better.

W sent me a message stating she was proud of me for setting a goal and accomplishing it. Then she added that just because she doesn’t want to be in an intimate relationship with me and she has a lot of work to do on herself it does not mean that we aren’t a family. She said she is hopeful we will remain close and will do life together for our kids and each other. She said I am always welcome at her mom’s house and it feels weird not having me there, but she respects my decision not to go to Thanksgiving there.

No question or kids/financial business = no need to response.

I don’t know how to interpret this.

Like LH said, she's probably being honest. Many WWs would love to be in a romantic relationship with their AP but keep their H/ExH as a father, friend, and emotional safety net. Doesn't mean that works for you.

It mostly just pissed me off when I first read it.

That's an appropriate reaction.

I don’t see a scenario where I interact with her any more than necessary if we split up. I know that’s not her expectation even though I’ve told her I don’t see us as friends if we divorce.

I'd make that abundantly clear.

I like that she acknowledged she has things to work on, and I think that’s been a focal point of her therapy, but we’ll see.

Good she's in therapy, but I wouldn't bank on that fixing everything. I suspect my ExW went back to IC to manage herself through the affair and D, not to fix anything. So depends on your W's motivation. Hopefully yours is different than mine.

It was nice spending Thanksgiving with my family, as I usually spend it with the in-laws.

Hmmm...why do you usually spend it with the in-laws and not your family? Is there not an even split rotation?

It was pretty tough not having my kids with me though.

Yeah. I hear you. That is difficult.

I could feel the emotion building for a few days. I ended up calling my MIL on the way to my aunt’s house and telling her that I wouldn’t be there. I wanted to make sure she knew it had nothing to do with her or my FIL and I thought she should hear it from me. The conversation ended up being a little deeper than I was planning or expecting.

I think most here would say don't engage with the in-laws. If it's just logistics maybe, but might there have been a deeper motivation behind you reaching out? I suspect it's likely there was.

I got the vibe that MIL doesn’t really know what’s going on.

Very likely. At least the full truth. W isn't going to tell her family she's cheating and divorcing a good man.

After the call my emotions all came out. Anger, sadness, a feeling of loss, a bunch of stuff that I’d been keeping in for a few days.

Good! Get it out. It's important. And in an appropriate venue. I.e., not in front of W or her family.

In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, W tried to frame things as me abandoning my kids to be with my family, which pissed me off too.

Right. She's not going to tell the whole truth to anyone.

I wanted to tell her she blew up our family at the worst possible time, her selfish actions are causing irreparable damage with the few people in her life who actually do care about her and that her lying and cheating prevented me from spending Thanksgiving with my kids for the first time in their lives. Instead I just respectfully disagreed with her and went about my day.

Perfect. Completely natural and understandable to have those thoughts and feelings, but great job controlling your emotions and not blowing up at W.

I later found out that she tried making up a story of why I wasn’t there only to have her mom say she already talked to me about it. I think getting blindsided while trying to badmouth me is what upset her.

Yep. They're not happy when things don't go to plan.

after a bit she just kind of checks out.

her lack of help is causing issues.

I get stressed sometimes trying to take care of the kid related things she is neglecting. She doesn’t help with brushing teeth, giving baths, feeding, etc.

Remember your primary responsibility is the care of your children. My ExW would sleep through the day, stopped bathing our kids (I'd do it myself on day I flexed out to see them during "her weeks")...etc. It's stressful and hard, but remain their rock. Make up the slack. Eventually hopefully she'll come around there. Also document! Ideally for the k ids it's 50/50 mom/dad, but if your W is too depressed to care for her children maybe she shouldn't get custody until she can.

W still hasn’t mentioned the D papers and there’s been no real conversation about the future.

My experience was different - ExW rushed it through - but many others say WSs are lazy.

Okay, now some GAL stuff

Keep up the GAL! Best way to get you feeling better, stronger, more confident, interesting, and attractive.