Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[Pack_19]

Hi all!

I really needed to come back here, but I had to put together the courage to write in a time when I am feeling a bit of a failure in my DB. It has been over 3 years since W left our home in Germany and as you can imagine all I hear around me is that I should just move on. However, I wake up everyday convinced I have to leave it all behind but filled with thoughts about our family and all we lived together.

I finally have a new divorce agreement and we will be signing it next month. After a lot of lawyer negotiation, we have agreed that I will pay more than I consider fair from the house we sold in Munich and in exchange we will limit the pension I pay on shared custody. It seems with our salary difference any judge in Spain would give me a more than generous pension. I have been feeling like the financial topic should not bother me, I should be able to say "W, here is your half, go and enjoy your life, I will do the same with mine". Yet, I worked so hard for all we had and I had to bring down after she left, let's just say I am working on those feelings and letting it go.

R with W continues to feel artificial and forced due to the kids. Just the other day we went to the doctor with S8 and we stayed always distant and focused on S8. I spent2 hours last week talking to my parent about these feelings. They told I need to find a woman who truly loves me and then my mind will find peace, they said I see W from the eyes of a man who loved her when she left and I need to understand that she does not care about me as a man, just about the children and her relationship with them. I know what they are trying to say, but I dont look at her like that anymore, we are strangers for God sake, but somehow I still see the mother of my children and it breaks my heart that we are going to be apart for the rest of our lives, we will remain strangers and eventually forget the stage we shared.

I am killing my PIES and the relationship with the kids. I go to crossfit daily, I continue to read my books (just finished The power of now and re-reading now The way of the superior man), I am working on my confidence, talking to women I meet at different places and perceiving rejection as something positive that saves me time (fine I cannot think about W like that, my brain is really messed). I recently traveled to Jordan and Israel with some friends and we had the time of our lives. I am working for a promo and recently interviewed with Meta for a manager position. I havent heard from them and I fear hiring in Europe has been frozen due to restructuring.

I havent met anyone, I have very high standards after all I have suffered and limited time with the kids, work and all the exercising. It has been impossible to find a woman that keeps me interested and attracted to put the effort I need to balance all things in my life now. I have made a reservation for a new home, larger so that each kid can have his own room and I can pay the initial 10% downpayment with the money I saved from selling the house in Munich. It should be built in 2 years, that gives me more time for saving and the opportunity to sign a comfortable mortgage. I also have plans to start a business on cloud ML projects, I need to find the right industry and use case and then build the team.

Now that is has been over a year after my hard deadline, there are no excuses and there is no way back. Even if she were to come back, I would not want to be with the person she has become and have the conversations we would need to have about these years, I am worth more than that. With that in mind, I need help from the forum members on how to force myself to move on.

Updated PIES:
[b]P[\b] - Improve my PRs in crossfit. Marathon under 3´30". Gain muscle weight, keep my wardrobe fresh. Chin up and chest out, I should be proud of the new man I have become. Practice my sexual kung fu, easier when I meet someone.
[b]I[\b] - Work for a promo, improve my skills as a leader. Keep reading about relationships and how women interact with men. Improve my driving and motorbike riding skills. Start my own business.
[b]E[\b] - Improve my active listen, show empathy, stay humble and work on improving myself as a man and father. Let W go, accept it is over and there is only one way ahead and it is not what I wanted it to be. DETACH
[b]S[\b] - Accept I cannot control my way out of this. Travel to Japan and learn about eastern religions. Stay optimistic about my future.

Thank you all, I cannot wait to hear from you!
((hugs)), Pack