What to do 2

[br4nd0n]

MikeP:

I haven't had much time to read anyone else's story/thread since I got here this week but you commented a few times in mine and said you were still in a limbo state so I was curious.

I just read both threads.

We are different age groups and much different scenarios with our W's but when you described your wife as someone who avoids any conflict no matter how small resonated with my wife.

I think back and there was probably so many times in our relationship where she might have been frustrated with something I did but didn't want to create any conflict or make a big deal about it. Then the of suppressing just led to more and more resentment.

The other thing that absolutely amazed me is how much great advice you have received on this forum. It is truly amazing.

[MikeP]

MikeP:

I haven't had much time to read anyone else's story/thread since I got here this week but you commented a few times in mine and said you were still in a limbo state so I was curious.

I just read both threads.

We are different age groups and much different scenarios with our W's but when you described your wife as someone who avoids any conflict no matter how small resonated with my wife.

I think back and there was probably so many times in our relationship where she might have been frustrated with something I did but didn't want to create any conflict or make a big deal about it. Then the of suppressing just led to more and more resentment.

The other thing that absolutely amazed me is how much great advice you have received on this forum. It is truly amazing.

Yeah, the conflict thing is tough. She will always back down if she thinks I’m angry or upset. She thinks I’m mad if I get even a little animated. I’m always aware of how I speak or approach her about anything. I grew getting yelled at and my butt kicked when I screwed up. She has probably never had a hand laid on her or really even yelled at. Her parents aren’t like that. Sometimes I think we wouldn’t be here if she would have just yelled at me occasionally 🤷🏼‍♂️.
I have definitely received lots great advice and support. I truly appreciate it.

[LH19]

Mikey P if you are going to play fantasy land that how about if you wouldn’t have done so many things for her to yell and scream at you then you wouldn’t be here?

How can you change that moving forward?

[MikeP]

Mikey P if you are going to play fantasy land that how about if you wouldn’t have done so many things for her to yell and scream at you then you wouldn’t be here?

How can you change that moving forward?

I’m not sure how that’s playing “fantasy land”? Maybe I should have said if she would have spoken up more. Better? Actually this entire phase of my life is fantasy land isn’t it? I believe I’ve been working on changing that going forward but then I’m told to stop trying to nice her back. Which is it?

[Ready2Change]

changing that going forward but then I’m told to stop trying to nice her back. Which is it?

You behave based on what is the right thing to do, not how will she react to my behavior.

[Ready2Change]

And there may be a better choice of words for the phrase "right thing to do" in different circumstances.

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

Don’t fret, you’re doing fine. It’s perfectly normal to consider and explore the what ifs of a relationship’s past. You are not living in fantasy land, you are considering and altering direction.

Lots of folks avoid conflict. It appears your W learnt to stuff down and ignore conflict; to back down. And given your upbringing I’d suspect you have a similar distaste for facing conflicts.

More open respectful communication is always a good thing. Communication is usually the biggest cause/problem in any relationship. Learning how to lead and facilitate difficult conversations is a most valuable life skill to acquire. Life has difficulties and conflicts will arise. Discussing those is needed.

Resolution of conflict comes not from sorting out who is right and who is wrong, it comes from seeing and hearing the other’s side. That takes empathy and leaving one’s ego out of things. When both participate towards that end, the solution is win/win. Not a compromise, that’s lose/lose. A win/win, a decision where both parties achieve their true desired outcome. And often, it’s rather surprising what solutions folks can come up with.

That outcome, the possibility that both can achieve their goal, usually eludes folks due to our us against them societal defaults. Folks are programmed - media, politics, and so on - that to win the other must lose. Such constant reinforcement is a yoke that drags the unaware, and conflicts brew and stagnate.

Conflict, difficult conversations, just some things to consider and perhaps look into during your journey forward.

D

[BL42]

So I set my alarm for 6, went to the park and ran 5k. No big deal except it was 26 degrees and the old me would have stayed in the warm bed and justified it somehow.

Told her and the kids goodbye, and went to a friends house to have a couple beers with some guys I haven’t seen in awhile.

She is taking d13&d23 shopping today. She hinted around that I could go if I wanted. I said no thanks, I think I’ll go fishing and possibly shooting, have fun.

Good stuff MikeP! A 5k, beer w/old friends, and some fishing & shooting. All great GAL...and space for W! Keep it up.

[LH19]

Mikey P if you are going to play fantasy land that how about if you wouldn’t have done so many things for her to yell and scream at you then you wouldn’t be here?

How can you change that moving forward?

I’m not sure how that’s playing “fantasy land”? Maybe I should have said if she would have spoken up more. Better? Actually this entire phase of my life is fantasy land isn’t it? I believe I’ve been working on changing that going forward but then I’m told to stop trying to nice her back. Which is it?

Mikey P my point was wishing she spoke up is a fantasy because it didn’t happen. Wanting her to commit to the marriage now is a fantasy. Control what you can control like working out, setting goals, starting new hobbies and reading books on attraction.

[Ready2Change]

Mikey P my point was wishing she spoke up is a fantasy because it didn’t happen.

We all have all kinds of wishes of how we wish other people behave. I am sure your W has just as many wishes. That is why you reflect on her list and make choices if they are something that you would like to do long term (Forever). You have control of your behavior, not hers.