BL- I am no saint by any means. I just developed coping mechanisms for survival. I knew I had a lifetime of this and I had to adapt. And I did that by learning to compartmentalize and learning how to reduce my exposure to what hurts me . Like I wouldn’t drop her off at his big get together where his wife and family was. I would actually have him come get her. Small things like that really helped. I also had the “luxury” of working my way through my holidays without her. If I didn’t have her, I worked. And my work just distracted me. And the first few years I worked night shift, so I would work a 12.5 hour the night before and just sleep through the day, so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.
But yes, I have to admit, and I can still feel it, I was in an insurmountable amount of pain anytime I had to give my child up to them especially on holidays. Worse than any physical pain that I’ve known, quite honestly. But just like anything else, it gets easier with time.
I know it’s more of sending your kids off and feeling like an outsider in your family. It’s really difficult at times and hard to explain, especially when you didn’t have a day in the matter. This was chosen for us. And it stinks and I’m sorry.
You did the right thing. Headed off to the gym and got your head clear. It’s OK to distract, we don’t have to feel everything. Distraction is a beautiful thing!
